Throwaway, not sure if this is the right subreddit. Here I go: I find myself in an interesting situation. I (38M) matched with a (40F) married woman on a dating app. Her husband allows her to have friends with benefits, but they have to meet his approval. Literally, he will meet her partner for a drink, and if he “approves” it’s OK to proceed from there.
I’ve never encountered a situation like this before and I’m curious what insight r/sex has as to what the husband might consider when he’s determining whether someone is acceptable. Any husbands here that are into this sort of thing? He doesn’t want to participate or watch, as far as I can tell.
We seem to have a good connection and I’m planning to ask her directly about it, but wanted to hear from others before taking action. Thanks!
Also if there’s a better subreddit to ask about this, I’m all ears.
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Good way to also make sure she’s not cheating and there isn’t drama after the fact.
I have done this, although not often.
I love my man, and I will do anything for him, and one of his fantasies is to see me fuck another guy. He likes hearing about the details and it really turns him on to hear that I had a great time. If the other guy is OK with it, sometimes my husband will watch. More often than not we are usually alone. He always wants to meet the guy first to make sure he doesn’t get a Psycho vibe from him.
A lot of guys run from this. It’s rare to have someone go along with it.
Most likely they are in an open relationship and he wants to meet you to make sure his wife is safe and not dating a creep.
Or he has a hotwife kink
Thats responsible ENM, it’s likely that the only thing he wants to determine is her safety
Edit: more suitable subs referenced below ⬇️
Not unusual at all. The reason is for what many have posted already. I have done this a few times and it is all about respect and being your genuine self. It is not always going to work out and you should anticipate that versus the alternative. He has to feel good that he has made the right selection to please his partner and enjoy the stories afterwards.
Introduce yourself, firm handshake, be honest about your intentions.
Back when I was in a poly marriage, I had a rule that anyone that wanted to screw me had to meet my husband, if only to shake hands. Weeded out the guys who wanted to pretend I wasn’t married or were complete creeps. If you don’t have the balls to shake my (completely willing to share his wife) husband’s hands, you don’t have the balls to fuck around with me.
My wife and I are swingers. We don’t usually have sex separately but I might have some insight as to what this husband has in mind.
We go to swinger clubs and parties on occasion. There’s usually a handful of guys there that end up hitting on my wife hoping for a chance. She usually isn’t all that impressed with most of them but a select few will catch her eye. We both have the final say about who each of us gets to “play” with so of that select few, I need to approve of them.
It really depends on their dynamic and what specifically they are looking for. For me, I need to get a good vibe off of a guy before I’ll even consider him. After that, I just want to make sure he’s kind, thoughtful, and respectful. I also want to be able to look him in the eye and remind him how lucky he is and that I won’t tolerate him mistreating her.
Think of it like meeting a girl’s dad before the first date. He just wants to make sure you’re not a POS and that you’re a decent human being but also lay out his expectations.
Hey I’m the husband in a relationship like this. My wife would be considered a hotwife if you want to know the term to look up.
Essentially I’d meet you and vet that you’re not a psycho. Meeting would be after you’ve met my wife and she expresses interest to me in fucking you. It would be the final step before you being allowed to do whatever my wife wants you to do to her.
It might sound like a unusual fantasy on the surface but nothing is sexier to me than sharing my amazing wife and her enjoying herself. Watching her spend all day getting dressed up and feeling how excited she is to get a new dick is amazing. I personally have let her meet alone and also with me present. Both are great in their own way. I love when she brings me home video and photo evidence of how much fun she’s had and I love being there to hear and see her cum on someone’s dick.
Hope it helps
I’ve met couples like this. Generally he just wants to make sure you’re not a weirdo. At least half of the guys won’t even get to the part where they meet for drinks. If they do show, it shows they’re not just looking for a one night thing, and might be somewhat stable.
Maybe ask /r/ENM? Consider his goals: safety and happiness for his wife. He might ask about your background, reliability, communication, and experience to assess safety. He might ask about your preferences, goals, strengths and weaknesses, and experience to assess utility. It sounds like a good policy.
Hello ENM/Swinger husband here.
The big think he’s looking for is mostly security. You are who you say you are and understand the situation and not make a mess of their lives (most people living this lifestyle tend to be discreet and want that maintained)
The second thing is respect. A lot of guys may want to sleep with my wife but due to their insecurities see me as less of man or want to disrespect me in some way and that just sours the experience for any wife in that situation (unless there’s a cuck dynamic but that’s a specific thing that you would’ve been told about).
Just be yourself, be direct in asking what his expectations are from you and keep it simple.
If this is gonna become a consistent arrangement you have to understand the boundaries of your situation and not allow yourself to catch feelings because that won’t end well for you but that just requires you to maintain the awareness and cut it off on your end if it gets to be too much.
Good luck to you.
The guy is basically feeling you out to see if your the competitive, territorial, bruh type that’s going to shit talk him and try to move in on his territory. If you’re chill, relax, and friendly – he wont have a problem.
I had a couple take me to a strip club and dennys after before we went back to their place
But I did meet with the gf first before I met the bf lol
They want to know that you aren’t a dominant abusive creep. They want to know you’re the kind of guy who has the maturity to respect boundaries.
Probably just vetting you and making sure his wife won’t be screwing a psychopath. Seems like a basic safety measure.
Get *his* STD test while you’re there- save time.
My husband asks to at least FaceTime (if he can’t meet in person) with any potential fwb. He just wants to make sure the guy is normal and has the intention of treating me right.
I don’t think it’s a bad thing, just shows transparency. At least if things work out you three will be on the same page.
Be sure you aren’t being catfished!
Congrats, this can be a wonderful situation for all involved, and I speak as a husband in a similar situation.
He’ll be trying to work out if you’re safe, honest and discrete. He’ll want to know your intentions match, and probably throw a few “what ifs” in, like “What if you start to feel emotionally bonded to my wife?” and “What if you find someone else?”
My advice to pass this interview is: Dress well, be mature and respectful. Be open, honest and engaged.
He’s in charge here, don’t get caught up in any internet porn bullshit about bulls/alphas and that crap unless you’re clearly being led in that direction. You’re entering into a stable relationship with two people, and you do need to consider both of them all the time. If they have kids, then logistics especially can be difficult, but they will want to make it work. You might get regular dates, or last minute hook up calls.
Ask your own questions too – does he want to be involved and if so, in what way? Some husbands want to be a part of it, others are more distant. (I don’t vet my wife’s gentlemen, nor do I watch or be involved, but some husbands do). If he does want to get involved, how fluid are you? Can you perform with another man watching? If he’s bisexual, will he want sexual contact with you? How would an average date go? Have they done this before? What works and doesn’t work for them? (Don’t go into sex specifics unless he leads you, that can wait for later)
Also remember to ask for details about her – what she likes, how to make her feel at ease, that sort of thing.
All everyone wants here is to have fun. Not drama, not complications, just easy, uncomplicated sex to spice your lives up.
Find out what they want from this relationship and give it a go.
Usually met the man in a pub first. If we liked him then we proceeded. Nice to meet socially first. Public place.
This is pretty common now in days, my wife lets me have sex with other women but her approval it’s required
I’ve been in this situation twice, and it was cool both times. Although they weren’t exactly vetting me, just meeting me, but I guess if they’d thought I was a dick they might have suggested their wife stop hooking up with me. I’d read a suggestion somewhere to give beer, so doing that probably sweetened the meeting, but in both cases I genuinely got on well with the husband and found we had stuff in common (besides liking their wife).
How badly do you need sex. I get it some people don’t want relationships, but at some point you have to just think of yourself as just being an outlet for a bored or frustrated housewife.
I’ve been polyamorous for about 15 years now. While it’s not always this formal, as a general rule, if your new partner’s primary/nesting partner thinks you’re a dipshit and their partner is making a mistake dating you, your new relationship is unlikely to last long.
It’s almost like a job interview. You want to present yourself as honestly as you can here and I the best light possible. But this dynamic can and should go both ways; do YOU feel comfortable with this guy as a part of YOUR life? Does he seem friendly and chill? Does his motivation seem to be looking out for his wife’s best interests? Or does he seem hostile, or controlling? Does it sound like she was honest about his degree of involvement, or do you get the impression he’s more eager to join the two of you than advertised?
Your first foray into ethical non-monogamy can be a real head trip, and if you don’t like the vibe you’re getting from the husband, think long and hard about whether you actually want to stick your dick into this situation. Worst case, getting intimately involved with someone being abused by their primary partner can be really painful and confusing to deal with.
And don’t forget that if it’s not for you it’s not for you. Some people just aren’t a match for the lifestyle, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I hope it goes well for you. Personally I’ve found that ethical non-monogamy has enriched my life immensely, and led me into treasured relationships I’d never have gotten to experience otherwise. Here’s hoping this is the start of a similar path for you. Good luck.
He probably wants to make sure you aren’t a creep that is going to beat his wife up.
I’d be cool, normal, be yourself. Honest. etc etc.
It is probably a hotwife situation. Wife is allowed to sleep with other men with husband’s input. Some husbands get off after hearing details about wife’s encounter with the other men.
I have a bit of a hotwifing kink, where I enjoy if a partner has sex with someone else and then tells me the details of how it was and what happened.
I really don’t care what the other person is like, but getting to meet them does make it hotter. Also just checking if you seem like a chill person and not a weirdo who’s gonna turn into a stalker or something. More for safety than anything really, I wouldn’t be worried
There are post on other parts of Reddit. Look up cuckold. It’s v common, especially in UK. Iv been the husband before doing the ‘Vetting’ for my wife.
Relax, it will be fine.
Why would you subject yourself to this?