So, sigh. I’m very nervous typing this out and I fear I’m gonna be severely judged and downvoted into oblivion. Apologies for the long ass post, I’m emotional and needed to give some context.
Members of this sub aren’t strangers to a rocky marriage. Mine is the same. I don’t feel respected, loved and cared for. I have to deal with my husband’s fragile ego and rude comments splly when he’s at fault – because well, he thinks it’s ok to talk down at me rather than self-reflect in any given situation.
Somewhere along the line (we are married 2 years and together 4 years) of trying EVERYTHING in the playbook – therapy, trying to lead by example, never placing blame but asking him softly, communicating etc – I stopped giving it back to him. Maybe I started thinking that he pays rent and the majority of house bills and I just have to deal with him not being up to par in soft factors like communication and picking up after himself. He keeps the house a mess and never acknowledges that yes he’s a little bad in this dept. The minute I point something veryyy basic out even softly, I’m the nag, and his go-to is “not everything you do is right. Ppl have different standards of cleanliness and you shouldn’t expect me to follow your impossible house cleaning standards.”
This goes on and on. Blame game and ego clashes start so I just started succumbing to everything he said.
What happened today morning was a really small thing but I’m shaken. Basically he broke my sunglasses. That’s all. Not that big a deal and could have happened to anyone.
What hurt me was he didn’t apologize. He used them to fish out something stuck behind a cupboard and they broke (showed he didn’t have respect for my things. The activity demanded a long stick and he picked up what he saw because they were mine and he was lazy. It also makes me question his basic reasoning).
Then he placed them back as if nothing happened (trying to hide the crime?)
In the evening he told me. I said oh, too bad, I bought them from Greece. He said they look old and already have scratches all over them. That’s not the point but! Apologise as a basic response first. I don’t care about the glasses, could have been an honest mistake. Instead trying to justify that breaking them shouldn’t be a big deal.
Then I finally decided to very politely point out that he didn’t apologize. He said ok I’m sorry, happy now?
I just keep waiting for the day he comes to me, talks to me softly when he DOESN’T need anything from me, and doesn’t treat any small request as a burden.
Of course I didn’t respond after that to keep the peace. Even when I don’t respond and he feels uneasy with the silence he tells me – now you’re gonna get all quiet and sad as if what hell you are going through. Basically, blaming me for everything.
Now to my question. I’m very upset. I lost my sunglasses. These small things push me to edge sometimes. Since we can’t get in a fight about it – i wanna do something, some petty damage that can’t be traced back to me.
Yes i know this is wrong. But this is my reality. When couples stop being honest with each other, resentment builds up and they start looking for hidden ways to harm each other.
Any suggestions? I’m leaning towards running scissors across his expensive formal suit.
That’ll show him. Lol. My life is sad.
4 comments
Don’t sacrifice your own integrity by stooping to his level and acting like a child. Just don’t. You’ll get a few minutes of pathetic satisfaction but it’ll fade quickly.
Why are you still married to this man?
Be a good person because that’s who you are. Don’t stoop to petty cruel vindictiveness.
There have to be actual consequences for bad behavior.
His apology was a non-apology. It was an attack. An apology is a sincere acceptance of blame with empathy for the harm caused.
Until he gets the message, you should put him on the couch. If you don’t stand up for yourself, he will continue to walk all over you and cause you more and more frustration.
This isn’t a little thing. Don’t let him bully you into arguing that it is. The “happy now” is really spiteful. I’m sorry.
I feel no matter what, you’re going to be very petty and get even no matter what advice is given, so that being said, 1 put salt in his underwear and put them back ready for him to wear. 2 put food coloring in his shampoo. 3 Everytime you use bathroom, switch the paper out for an empty roll. 4 make him a grilled cheese sandwich and leave the wrapper on the cheese. 5 fill the toes of his shoes with ketchup. 6 put a handful of rocks in his pillowcase. 7 shave one of his eyebrows while he sleeps.8 put everything he owns randomly in boxes and label them all misc. 9 pack his toothpaste full of salt. 10 paint his nails while he sleeps. Hope this helps