I have several beliefs I’ve developed when it comes to dating. These beliefs are cemented through my lived experiences and things I’ve seen with friends.
1) My first hot take is I think a woman’s initial interest has a window of time to it, and if I don’t sexually escalate during that window I’ll get rejected no matter how good of a match we were.
I think this is the reason why the 3rd date is considered the ‘sex date.’ That’s usually the time when the window is wide open for you to walk through assuming she likes you. If you don’t escalate during this window of time when she’s giving signals, that window slams shut and you’re forever locked out. I’m pretty sure every red blooded male knows that feeling of missing his chance, or that feeling that she really liked you 2 weeks ago, and now she never wants to see you ever again. It’s a very weird feeling knowing this could have been someone you built a very health relationship with, but because you didn’t act in time, she’s now gone.
2) There’s a link between physical attraction and personality. If you’re good looking, suddenly all of your jokes become more funny and that trip you took up north a year ago becomes a lot more interesting. If you’re ‘meh’ looking, then your date is typically only half listening and half just wanting it to be over. I can usually tell within the first minute if the date is going to go well just by her facial / eye expressions when she first meets me. If her eyes are sparkely, she’ll be engaged. If her eyes are flat with a ‘let down’ subtle expression, she’ll be disengaged and keep things polite for fifty minutes till she leaves.
3) Both men and women almost always know the exact reason why they don’t want to continue, but 95 percent of the time they’ll just say some vague “not enough sparkles because the chemistry of the sparks weren’t sparkling enough.” I always thought it was just women who do this, but my female friends get the same exact thing from guys.
What’s your unpopular / hot take opinion when it comes to dating? Something that’ll probably get down voted since it’s a harsh truth people aren’t willing to hear just yet
30 comments
Society romanticizes the notion of an ideal match where « if you know you know » or « if he/she is the one it should be easy/effortless »
Fact of the matter is, many if not most relationships aren’t born they’re built and they require work from both parties.
Being in shape, having a good career/education, your own house, and a nice car don’t mean shit if you aren’t a genuinely kind person who’s fun to be around.
Being well-traveled doesn’t mean that you’re not boring.
Having very sexual conversations before a first date is a huge turn off. You don’t know each other even. And pushing a deadline on sex doesn’t work. Third date can be too soon for some people, right for other people
Edit: some jokingly said innuendos (that you don’t really mean) are fine by me, but not continously you know
A lot of people either don’t know or refuse to acknowledge what the opposite sex generally finds attractive. As a result, they either don’t perform or refuse to perform the actions required to bring themselves to a level that would qualify them for their ideal partner. That or they refuse to realign their standards to match what they currently offer.
Self-improvement and working on yourself is not effective in terms of helping you find someone, unless you’re seriously unkempt/socially awkward/have no life outside internet and focusing on yourself changes absolute nothingness into at least something for you.
Working on yourself might be a good general advice if you don’t have much to do or unsatisfied with your life overall, but as a dating advice it kind of misses the spot and doesn’t help. Most people who find relationships are average and don’t deliberately try to become anywhat better. It’s just about luck and meeting new people
There’s not someone for everyone.
calling the 3rd date the “sex date” is a huge turnoff lol
1. Dating is the process of finding a life mate, not a sport.
2. Sex is not a fun thing to do on a weekend, it’s for someone you love.
3. Porn ruins your attitude about relationships.
4. Real men are amazing and desirable.
5. Horndogs are children who need to grow up.
How unpopular is THAT?
Your hot takes are hot facts 👏🏼. A few of mine:
1. Dating is seasonal. Most of the whining I’ve seen on this sub not coincidentally ticks up during “hot girl summer,” when women stop caring about dating and focus on themselves for 3-4 months. It’s a bad time to date as a guy but if you’re good looking/smooth enough you might be able to get a ONS or two in during this time. After Labor Day, girls want to have someone locked down by Thanksgiving, to avoid the inevitable awkwardness from family asking about their dating life (they call this cuffing season).
2. Once you’re in a relationship you’re pretty much in it until March 1st. That gives a good buffer between Valentine’s Day and dumping day. It also saves either party from having to invest in a costly vacation with someone you’re starting to have doubts on moving in with and/or spending the rest of your life with. After both parties recover from this, it’s time to prepare for hot girl summer again.
3. Unrelated to the first two: those who take what they want succeed immensely in dating rather than those that hold back. I have a waning moral compass after being cheated on and screwed over a handful of times and watching other people move onto have happy fulfilling lives with each other. Your buddy has a crush on someone but you think you can move in on her? Fuck him. A girl in a ltr is strangely flirty with you? Take her. Trying to strike up a conversation with a girl but you don’t want to abandon your shy friend? He’s on his own. No, I’m not a home wrecker yet, but dark thoughts have started to creep in of late as I’m extremely tired of fucking dating.
That’s it’s all a mess no matter what
**You don’t have to escalate. Just flirt ffs.** If she doesn’t flirt back, she probably isn’t into you anyways and then you can just leave it.
Edit: the great thing about flirting is that it is a way to let things develop naturally and go with the flow. The vibe will tell you if she’s shy and wants to get to know you slowly, or if she’s a lot more forward. You’ll feel when the right time to kiss someone is. And everything is better with some buildup. Women like foreplay. While just fast tracking things without reading the other person’s vibe will just kill the vibe.
You shouldn’t have sex until you are exclusive.
My hot take is that when I start dating someone, I stop sleeping with other people. I feel that’s a common courtesy. I know that goes against some redditors stance of people not owing you anything before exclusivity, but it just feels slimy to me.
Too many people are so focused on what they want that they lose sight on what they offer
A relationship is give/take and the only input you have control over is what ‘you bring to the table’
With the number of deadbeats I’ve gone on first dates with, this mentality of bettering yourself so you can offer more to a partner must be a hot take…sadly
The other controversial take I have is that there’s no such thing as a perfect person, stop trying to order a ‘build a bear’ partner
Possibly unpopular opinion, but if dating dozens of women I have zero interest in seeing long term is the only way to eliminate my approach anxiety, then I’ll keep my approach anxiety. I think casual dating is a waste of time and I’m sick of men’s dating advice books (viz. Robert Glover’s *Dating Essentials for Men* and Connell Barrett’s *Dating Sucks but You Don’t*) acting like every man wants casual relationships and casual sex with a ton of different women. All I want is to find a woman I adore who adores me in return to grow old with and have at least two beautiful children with. I don’t want to get hung up on some woman who doesn’t share my values and doesn’t want a LTR, and all the women who share my values are also going to be dating for marriage and would see playing the field, so to speak, as a negative. So I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place.
>I think this is the reason why the 3rd date is considered the ‘sex date.’ That’s usually the time when the window is wide open for you to walk through assuming she likes you. If you don’t escalate during this window of time when she’s giving signals, that window slams shut and you’re forever locked out.
As a woman this is not true. Also, many people want a tense progression that doesn’t automatically lead to sex. I don’t see the 3rd date as a sex date. If I did, that would put so much pressure on me to sleep with someone I hardly know. That window doesn’t slam shut. If anything, seeing how people set boundaries or communicate is far more important here.
Edit: tense as it sexual tension
1) don’t discuss sexual partner history. Nothing good can ever come from it.
2) no one needs to know the truth about everything.
Opportunities attract.
People always say there there are ‘lots of fish in the sea’ – I.e. you’ll always meet other people and have more opportunities.
But I firmly believe that there are only a handful of people in life that we, as individuals, can truly connect with in a way that leads to a meaningful and amazing relationship. Sure people can have a bunch of superficial connections. But I believe it only happens very rarely where you can have that type of deep emotional and physical connection you need for a great relationship and partnership.
The best relationships are based on friendships first. The two loves of my life were my friends first. The first one being a long term friend who I had an 8 year marriage with and two gorgeous children (we are still friends, but he basically dipped out of our marriage because he was unsure if I was the one for him, which hurt)
The second is my current partner, whom I plan to marry in the next year. We were friends for months until something clicked, and we started dating. Best relationship of my life. We really get each other, and everyone looks at us and marvels at how seamless our bond is.
Outside of dating apps women rarely get hit on and asked out in person
People have a better chance of becoming romantically involved with each other if they meet with no pretext of a date. Therefore, OLD kills momentum because both parties come in with too many expectations.
1. Online dating is unreliable and is a detriment to the introverted communities ability to build social skills and has lead to an era of insane amounts of virgins.
2. Women almost always make the first move but it’s too subtle men don’t often notice it.
3. Being a quality lover and over all great person with masculine energy to your gf causes a snowball effect that when you break up, all the women that seen how you treated your gf find out your single they SPRINT to you.
4. Most PUA advice is recycled garbage from over thinking an over complicating courtship. The only good advice it ever gives is to talk to a lot of people which builds those social skills.
5. Be the person deserving of love so when you find it, you can hold onto it with confidence, and leave your negative notions behind.
If you actually know what you like (vs what you’re supposed to like), seek out what you like, and ruthlessly decline things you don’t like, you will find a partner who complements you well.
Most people I know who are miserable in their dating life are actually just spending too much time trying to negotiate someone into liking them, or, they are holding on to the idea that they need a partner who will boost their social standing and give them confidence. They don’t stop to ask themselves “do I actually like this person? Do they make me feel good?” This leads to enormous unhappiness and destroyed self esteem.
Also, tropes like “honesty is the best policy”, “when you know, you know”, “compromise is important”, “communication solves everything”, etc are designed to keep most folks in their place and easy to victimize in relationships. It’s better to think critically and develop trust in a potential partner very slowly, over time. Stop vomiting your traumas on random people, you’re making yourself easy pickings for users and abusers.
A breakup doesn’t mean your relationship failed. If you had a happy, fulfilling relationship, of whatever length, that’s a success, even if it didn’t last until one of you died.
I see that that being friends with women is such a touchy subject among a lot of men.
At best you have takes like you should never be a friend if you find a woman attractive.
At worst you have takes like unless she is fucking you shouldn’t do anything for her.
But, in most cases(there would be exceptions), unless you’re noticeably unattractive(sorry) and/or aren’t adept at flirting, few things can help you more in getting better at dating, than being able to be friends with women like you’re friends with your male friends.
A huge amount of “pick up” advice both the relatively normal advice to the more concerning ones seems to be centered around being able to be informal with women (*ex – being able to tease them, poke fun at them* [*i should also mention, a lot of these advice also see this as a weird power dynamics thing, which i think comes from being unable to be just friends with women*]), which you would learn naturally if you could be friends with women as you can be with other men.
I have noticed 2) as well, but maybe more generalised to – if you like someone (i.e. probably find him attractive) anything he says or does will be funny and acceptable. If you don’t like someone anyway, anything he does will be annoying.
Also contrary to all popular dating advice, having your shit together doesn’t necessarily immediately attract great quality partners who want to be with you – even though I do so many things with my life and have achieved quite a lot, that seems to go almost unnoticed by guys. Or they might say it’s cool, but that’s about it.
Another hot take I have is it’s bullshit that a guy who won’t reply to you for 2 days is “just busy” and you should “just chill”. I never waited 2 days for a reply from a guy who was into me. EVERY time I’ve been staring at my phone for 1-2 days waiting for a reply to a one-line text, it NEVER worked out, usually the guy just pulled out at the first sign of any problem, because he wasn’t that into me anyway.
I think instead of a scale of 1-10 on attractiveness we should look at it lile 70% of people are attractive 15% are super attractive and 15% are unattractive.
If someone tries to sleep with me by the 3rd date, I end it.
1. Men should be 100% paying for the first date if they asked you on it (unless the woman insists on splitting but otherwise they should be)
2. When most men decide to get married they marry whoever comes next in their dating life (Taxi Cab Theory)