For a brief background: I grew up in an abusive and emotionally neglectful immigrant family. I had no uncles or other elders to lean on. I was always an outsider and profoundly lonely. My father was authoritarian, demeaning, and provided nothing in the way of emotional support, encouragement, guidance, etc. I had childhood obesity and believe he hated me for that reason. My adolescence was spent soothing my pain, aimlessly looking for a sense of belonging, and trying to make sense of life.
20 years later, I often feel I am that same child. Years of therapy has brought understanding as to my personality and my behaviors, but it has done little to help put my life on the right path. I am still obese, I struggle to connect with others, I am driven by a deep fear of rejection and failure. My life is one of avoidance, at work, with friends, with my marriage. I have been in stagnation for a decade and am slowly approaching a breaking point.
The advice for men in my situation who have never had a positive role model is to be that role model for yourself. But that has proven a near impossible task. I feel no fire to fix my life. And on the rare occasion that I do, I am paralyzed by the very many problems and paths forward. Many times I wish I had an elder mentor who could just tell me what to focus on, to encourage me, to help me develop my sense of agency.
My father left an enormous hole in my life and I can’t seem to fill it myself.
I would be greatly appreciative for any advice.
5 comments
The hole will always be there and can’t be filled.
The point isn’t to become a role model for yourself. It’s to become the man your younger self would have needed. How can you learn those things such a man knows? Try a lot. Fail some things. Learn from it. It’s harder than if you had that role model, but the end result might hopefully be the same.
I’m glad therapy brought you the recognition. Now it’s time to go deeper and realise there is that child in you and you can love him unconditionally. To realise you’re enough and you’re the master of your life. First be the loving and accepting parent to yourself that you never had. Once that’s done, you’ll do things for yourself and will grow towards the role model you wanted. Letting your wife in and having her support can be a great influence too.
Good luck my friend, it’s the perfect age to start that journey.
I have another perspective on the “be your own” role model: Construct your own role model.
My father is a good man but he was not able to be there for me – and I had to take care of him at times from a young age – so what I have done instead (subconsciously at first) is to create a father figure by combining admirable traits from men I have come across in my life. Some I have met, some I have seen in interviews, some are fictional. The important thing is, that they stand for something that resonates with me.
I didn’t have a great role model either. However, books are a way of having a conversation with someone across time. I’ve replaced poor role models with hundreds of books over the years. I think there is a lot of wisdom to be learned through many different perspectives through the written medium. Try to start reading and see where it takes you.
In the UK there’s an organisation called Men’s Shed where lots of men of all ages who are feeling a bit lonely can get together and tinker around. Is there a group or charity where you are?