Hey, throwaway for obvious reasons. Tried searching but wasn’t able to find any other posts that dealt with this.
My partner and I have been together for over two years (her longest relationship, but not mine). We were good friends before getting together and knew some of each other’s previous partners. Also knew some details such as my partner and a couple of her exes would have sex 2 or more times a day.
I’ve never been a two times a day kinda person, at least not since my teenage years. We are now mid 30’s. I prefer longer sessions, about 4-7 times a week is where I’ve been for most of my sexual life/long term relationships.
My partner and I started out with that sort of frequency but it has recently gone down to 1, sometimes 2 times a week. It’s never spontaneous unless I explicitly ask if she fancies some sex. I’m the only one whoever initiates and also do the majority of the work. Foreplay from her has also been quite sparse (no oral for 6 weeks and couldn’t give a reason as to why when I brought it up).
Now I’ve never compared myself to others and it has never bothered me at all knowing about her sexual past, but all of a sudden knowing these details and seeing where we are at is playing on my mind. I’m quite ashamed at that as it’s something I’ve never cared about before and was hesitant to bring it up to her when we spoke about our sex life. Her only explanation to that was “people change”. She maintains that she is very satisfied sexually in our relationship and was somewhat surprised to find that I wasn’t. She acknowledges that she doesn’t initiate (not the first time we have spoken about this). She also prefers sex during the morning/daytime but in two years I can probably count on one hand how many times she has initiated that and demonstrated that to me.
She knows I’m open to doing things differently if ever needed. We have a massive toy collection that doesn’t see much use lately. We do things that she loves that are new to her (dirty talk/fantasising, anal, involving toys, pegging, double penetration to name a few) and I feel I can safely say that the sex that I like to have is somewhat fun and adventurous.
Anyway, if you’ve made it to here thank you very much for reading. I hate that I feel this way. Are my comparisons/concerns valid? Is it pathetic and wrong to feel this way? I want to believe her when she says she is fully satisfied but it’s hard to when I don’t feel as desired anymore and actions speak louder than words. If anyone has any experience with this kind of change in libido or any advice to give please let me know. Plan to talk more about it with her tomorrow.
3 comments
1-2 times a week seems pretty normal for a couple that’s been dating a couple years and is in their 30s. I don’t really think it’s fair to think her sex drive should be higher because she had a “past sexual past” you both just have different sex drives that’s all there is to it.
Ask her for morning/day sex if you want it, ask her to initiate/do more work in bed if you need that. Make sure the logistics make that possible (my partner is an anti-morning person, so even tho I’m mr tent pole in the AM, I have to understand that its not usually going to happen).
Its totally normal for sex frequency to ebb after NRE or honeymoon period is over, ok, tough.
As for what seems to have made you worried, the comparison with your/her past sexual history… I think of course comparison is the thief of joy, and there is no upside to focusing on measuring/contrasting sex.
Specifically on frequency…. Think of it this way: do you think that going many times a week for a certain period of time dooms/sentences you to being required to do it that often later on in life, forever? Of course not.
She may not have preferred to do it that often in the past, and acquiesced to prior partners out of naiveté/unfair power dynamic, who knows.
Or it could have been time when she was less stressed/worried about “real” relationship stuff, bc it sounds like you two are engaged in that, that you’re doing more than just screwing, that you two are working on the relationship and living together for a while. That takes effort, and those efforts are good.
Could also just be a younger version of ourselves is different hormonally and fitness wise (you yourself said you could go 4-7 times a week, that’s actually a lot, prepare for the drop 🙂 !).
The very most important thing is to understand, communicate, inquire as to whether she is satisfied sexually, but do not harp on this or obsess over it. That is the killer. Over asking is a thing, it can mess up things regardless of the situation.
It sounds like you have a perfect combo of outstanding concern for her pleasure x openness in the bedroom that is refreshing for a man. Stay that way until you have a cause for concern.
It sounds like her interest in sex has dropped, like she has stopped (or greatly reduced) nurturing an active interest in sex (edit: or she has narrowed how she does so) and has downgraded it as a priority over other aspects of your relationship and life in general. This makes me wonder if her libido is more of a reactive one (if you have not read *Come as You Are* by Emily Nagoski I would recommend it, maybe alongside *Mating in Captivity* by Esther Perel) and shifting priorities and all that has had a ripple effect through her life, and because she is generally happy in the relationship she is not seeing the forest for the trees. Her focusing energy and time elsewhere means this part of her life is no longer on the same level if you were to map out her hierarchy of needs, and the change in frequency and reduced range of activities is a byproduct of that shift. Whether or not this is a deliberate choice or part of a bigger picture thing like physical or mental health — for example, medications for instance can really mess with libido — this is something you can only work out by communicating with your partner. Most comments on Reddit are speculative to a degree, but I do not want to go too far out there beyond this because I don’t want you thinking I am making your partner out to be some kind of villain and past a certain point it’s guesses thrown at the wall to see if anything sticks.
As an aside, situations like this where there’s a mystified reaction over how you’re wondering why their idea of “comfort food” is the only thing on the proverbial menu now is one of the things that pops up in my brain whenever I read/hear phrases like “What we have is better because of intimacy”… It feels a bit like a dodge, like are you taking responsibility and continuing to put in the effort to be a good lover so you contribute to the relationship or not? If the vision of what that looks like has changed then it needs to be communicated because not being on the same page can lead to resentment and misunderstandings and that can erode otherwise good relationships.