EDIT : It’s a bad thing. You convinced me.
EDIT 2: please stop. You made your point.
I don’t see people pleasing as a bad thing.
1. I’m more or less totally open to anything.
2. Making others happy makes me happy.
3. I would never want to upset anyone unless they provoked me. No one should.
4. Even if I don’t want to do something, that’s fine. It’s not a big deal. Sometimes relationships require sacrifice.
5. I’m not particularly interested in forging my own course. I’d prefer to just be along for the ride, or be a supporting part of someone else’s journey.
6. I love my friends unconditionally.
7. Sometimes, it honestly feels like people just invent conflict every now and then because they’re bored of things going right.
8. I have a strong sense of identity. That’s not the issue.
9. I hate arguing. It’s inherently pointless and destructive because people don’t change their minds during arguments.
10. I’ve never hid who I am. I’m very open about my personality, interests, and thoughts. I always try to appreciate what others think too, even if it’s not interesting to me.
11. I’ve had points in my life when I was confident and assertive. Boy, that was uncomfortable as hell. It wore me out fast. I feel like being a people pleaser is just a part of who I am.
12. I’m genuinely baffled by people who don’t want someone who wants to love and support them unconditionally.
13. I want very little from others. I just want to be loved and appreciated. “Aw, thank you.” “I appreciate you.” “You’re the best.” “What would I do without you?” “You’re a good friend.” “I’m so lucky to have you.” Hearing these makes me feel happy and fulfilled.
14. For me, getting silence as a response is more hurtful than any insult. To me, silence means that what I said was either insufficient to make an impact, or that what they want to say back to me is hurtful. I can handle criticism and insults. I can’t handle the thought of being a bad friend.
15. I always apologize if I sense something is wrong. In my mind, it’s better to be safe and awkward than to get off scot-free for doing something bad, and have it flare up later.
16. Half-joking with this one: Don’t people want a sycophant? If you’re likable and accomplished, don’t you want to hear how great you are from someone who adores you?
Are any of these bad qualities? What is the issue? What is so unappealing? I apologize if this is tone deaf, for lack of a better term, but I just can’t wrap my head around it.
46 comments
Idk if this is you thank you for having values but please know people pleasing and having values are different
i’m a former people pleaser myself, but now I see why they’re disliked. that’s not to say that i’m a mean or a super assertive person, but i no longer derive my self worth from how i believe others perceive me. i don’t feel the need to please people in order for them to like me
i find that people pleasers will do anything to make other people happy, even if it sacrifices their own opinions and morals. they’ll try and make everyone happy, even if that means that in the process, they’re mistreating other people. it’s literally impossible to please everyone. people pleasers often won’t stand up for themselves or others in order to “keep the peace,” allowing for some pretty shitty situations. conflict and arguments need to happen sometimes and conflict can be healthy!!
having people in your life that apologize over everything, fawn over you, and clearly wants to please you in every interaction can feel inauthentic as well
honestly though the traits you mention don’t seem like classic people pleaser tendencies
Honestly, it’s a lot to unpack and I hope you can find someone you trust to have ongoing conversations about this
Something I think about is like, a tip i saw once for writing effective characters–their flaws are likely to be their virtue but taken too far. For example, Nemo’s dad from Finding Nemo. He cares SO much and wants to protect others, and that’s a huge virtue. But he takes it so far, he becomes overbearing, and doesnt let others be themselves and doesnt trust others. That ends up really hurting Nemo, even though that’s the last thing the dad wanted, for Nemo to be hurt.
People pleasing is a bit like that. Getting along with others and making others happy can be a virtue–it can also be taken too far and have really nasty consequences, for yourself and other people.
Examples of consequences for taking people pleasing too far:
1. Being open to anything -> becoming wishy washy; people with good intentions might get anxious you’ll not speak up if they do something you don’t like, and ppl with bad intentions may take advantage and do things that are morally wrong or things you dont like, because they know you will go along with it and let them get away with anything.
2. Making others happy makes you happy -> becoming codependent, turning others into projects; if your happiness depends on their happiness, what happens if they *cant* be happy, or dont want your help? can you still hold space for people’s suffering, and trust them when they decline help? can you be with them solely because you like who they are and the connection you have, not because you feel accomplished at helping them?
3. Not wanting to upset others unless provoked -> avoiding discomfort, hiding things, missing out on the opportunities for growth that conflict can generate; what happens when they don’t provoke you directly, but you see them hurting others? what happens if you want to share about something that makes you excited, but it might make them feel sad/jealous/etc–do you hold back to protect their emotions for them, instead of allowing them the opportunity to connect with you/be happy for you/grow and work through their own feelings?
And so on. I’m not going to go through the whole list but hopefully you can see the theme–the issue isn’t “making people happy”, it’s the lack of boundaries, avoiding necessary/generative discomfort, limiting the range of human experiences you get to have with other people/people are allowed to have around you, betraying your values, etc etc that can come with it.
Not saying this is your experience, but i saw people pleasing as a virtue for a while, and it turned out I was actually just rationalizing abuse i’d witnessed and experienced. I thought maybe if those of us being overly relied on and expected to drop everything to be little happy-making puppets for everyone else were just virtuous, i wouldnt have to process the abuse. I just want to put that on your radar, I hope that’s not the case here, but especially in cultures that exploit some groups of people, it can be easy to feel like we need to reclaim our exploitation as virtue, when really we need to fight back against exploitation. I hope that makes sense.
Anyway, I do hope that you hold onto the good aspects of it!!! it’s fantastic that you care about others and i wish more people did. I just hope you can find balance and not let it go too far, and maybe identify where it comes from to make sure this is an intentional way of being and not a reaction that might serve you temporarily but have other consequences too.
Best of luck to ya!!
It gives off low value vibes
People pleasing is basically saying two things. Either you don’t value yourself enough that you’re willing to let people walk all over you. Or you’re pretending to be nice to get something. Both of these lead to bad results. You need to be genuine and put yourself first. Don’t be arrogant but realize that many people wouldn’t do the same for you. You should be polite but not kiss their ass.
People pleasers will usually sell you out just to keep others’ good graces no matter how much they like you :/ Otherwise, no problem 😉
EDIT: what you described is not a people pleaser, but a distinct and prevalent personality type, which is a fantastic personality type. I would say you are harmonizer rather than a people pleaser. People pleaser is an aspect that can apply to different personality types, but it is more commonly perceived in your personality type.
Narcissists are drawn to people pleasers. If you are ever in a relationship with one, you’ll find out whether or not you’re a people pleaser, and why it’s bad.
Because real people pleasers tend to take the path of least resistance. That gets people hurt or they don’t respect their own wants and needs. Everyone else can feel it and it’s not a good feeling.
My GMA is a people pleaser. She’ll say you can do or have something, when anyone with sense can see she really doesn’t like to. She’s pleasing you by betraying her own wants and is clearly upset, it’s unnecessary and irritating.
You say you have a strong sense of self, but people who go along with anything or do anything are the opposite of that in practice. Being true to yourself means saying no sometimes, or simply standing for something on principle.
People like others with principles. People pleasers really don’t have any strong ones, only the principles of the person they’re currently trying to please matter at that’s extremely unsettling. They are like shape shifters, no solid form or personality.
And no, I don’t want a golden retriever as a person who praises me all the time. The praise quickly feels fake/ not genuine, look up how to praise children properly and know that adults feel similarly. It has to have substance, not overwhelming, and be specific.
Overall, it just feels like that person is a robot designed to be of service and not an actual person.
People-Pleasers come off as “fake” to a lot of people. If not fake then definitely a brown-noser and EVERYBODY hates those type of people.
Basically no one knows where you stand on issues/options because it shifts depending on the situation; making the People-Pleaser look like a coward.
Because once you have something valuable it’s easy to take it away from you, meaning that you will sacrifice your own and maybe the interest of your close ones for the sake of peace with any stranger demanding anything from you
I used to be a people pleaser, and I never had a problem with being disliked but I can tell you why I can’t stand people pleasers myself anymore.
I would give all of my energy and everything to everyone around me until I had nothing left, and when I got home I’d fall apart.
When I talk to people that I can recognize as other people pleasers, I refuse their help and give them encouragement and help. I people please the people pleasers, because that is the best way to help them get past it and work on meeting their own needs.
I was at a restaurant yesterday and our waiter was very polite and helpful but somehow came across as forced and simply too much. Made me realise how off-putting it is when someone fawns.
The fakeness creates distance and the over-politeness implicitly asks a lot of the other person in the exchange.
The rule seems to be that most people appreciate someone who is warm but has healthy boundaries (let’s you know where they stand) and is genuine.
People pleasers have no spine and tend to be insufferably boring. They also tend to suffer from the *martyr complex* where they do stuff for you in the hopes you’ll reciprocate to meet their needs, but they can’t actually express their needs for fear of displeasing you.
People pleaser friends are bad. Romantic partners are even worse.
Look up some videos on youtube to put things in perspective. It’s harder to see how you are viewed from the first person perspective.
>I would never want to upset anyone unless they provoked me. No one should.
The danger here is when you confuse the goal with the means. Sometimes you might have to say something that upsets the other that is ultimately beneficial to everyone. Others have given the example of keeping the peace over dealing with the problem.
>I want very little from others. I just want to be loved and appreciated. “Aw, thank you.” “I appreciate you.” “You’re the best.” “What would I do without you?” “You’re a good friend.” “I’m so lucky to have you.” Hearing these makes me feel happy and fulfilled.
This is fine as long as you do things that *the other person* would appreciate. The problem with a lot of people pleasers is that they do things that *they themselves* would appreciate and then get resentful because the other person doesn’t appreciate it (because they don’t value the same things.)
They’re exhausting.
Pleasing others, as someone else in the thread said, is a virtue. But doing so in such a way that relinquishes social responsibility (IE: never choosing where to eat out), general responsibility (IE: forgot about helping one person because of a different person. More than once.), or the ability to form a connection (not enough quirks in preferences and personality to puzzle together a meaningful friendship) is undesirable.
If I want to make all the choices, I will do my own thing.
If I want to spend a lot of time with someone who might flake out because of a bigger personality, I’ll…. well, I’m usually that person. I take this one like a champ and tend to like those sorts. But it’s definitely a failing, not a virtue.
If I want to not connect with someone because they are too busy worrying about what I want, then I suppose I’ll go find somewhere with good customer service. But that annoys me too, because then I figure they just want a good sale.
I get it. I show love by serving others, but am not overly perceptive in how to best do so. What I have learned is that people like me a lot more when I’ve got an opinion, am not afraid to lead a little, and flow with the give-take that all relationships of every kind have.
I think that’s the boiled down product: Everything is a little bit of give, a little bit of take, hopefully a lot of good, but there’s going to be some bad. And people who don’t flow within that are exhausting or suspicious, and not all that likeable.
People pleasers are annoying because they exist to please others. As a result, they come off as shallow and, at times, untrustworthy.
Getting along is great. People pleasing comes with the implication that you value someone else’s opinion more than your own. People generally prefer friends who inherently value themselves.
People tend to look down on people who don’t value themselves
They are perceived to…
– Lack integrity. (You can’t trust them to do the right thing if it means going against the group.)
– Shirk responsibility. (They never make decisions, so somebody else is always left carrying the can.)
– Be two-faced. (They’ll go along with your ideas in order to be agreeable, but if they’re with somebody else tomorrow who disagrees with you, they’ll happily shit-talk your ideas in order to be agreeable to the new person.
– Lack depth. (Praise or friendship from a person who gives it to everybody instinctively is less valuable than praise or friendship from a person who only bestows it after a lot of thought.)
You dont like people you dont trust.
You cant trust someone if you’re unsure of their intentions.
People pleasers, through their actions, don’t communicate their true intent (any particular people pleaser “pleasing” someone may have a completely separate reason, from the pov of the person being pleased they can only guess.)
Therefore, people dislike people pleasers. Its a trust thing.
I have a friend who is like that, I don’t dislike her, but I personally don’t like how sometimes she tries to do things to please people instead of genuinely wanting to do it; because sometimes she says she’s ok with something and then when we’re doing it, she doesn’t look like she’s enjoying herself. Her words and hers actions are somehow conflicting sometimes, so I lose a bit of trust in her words in the long term. I just prefer her to be honest with me. The problem is even more complex when we’re in a group
As a former people pleaser who threw away this habit in college, the reason why they’re so disliked is because every person to a certain degree wants someone who doesn’t agree 100% on their every decision, they want someone who can guide, argue with them as a ‘real’ person not a ‘yes’ person, there is a saying that conflicts when resolved make the bond even stronger
I feel guilty by making them do something that costs them much just because i mentioned (not asked) it. Like, i mention that i’m cold and you would douse yourself in gasoline and set yourself on fire. Even though it’s fully on to you for setting up yourself on fire, i still feel guilty that i triggered it.
When i say “no” to them, they go “but i did all of this (unsaked) thing for you, why can’t you do a thing for me”. A friend who lived off if savings bought tickets to convention to which i was going and was devastated that i didn’t want to go with them. Their sole reason was to go there with me, they weren’t interested in the convention itself, thus didn’t even go to it. So now they wasted a weeks worth of food money.
People pleasers also tend to exude anxiety and panic, thus they are easily triggered and can go into tears or panic or anger.
Their world is centered upon you, you are the reason they do stuff. Thus they put the responsibility over the on you. I have enough responsibilities, i don’t want to be responsible for an additional person who refuses to bear their own responsibility.
>For me, getting silence as a response is more hurtful than any insult.
You are aware that some people make statements that don’t say that you need to respond. Also, some people say stuff that you have no clue how to respond and thus you keep silent.
>Half-joking with this one: Don’t people want a sycophant? If you’re likable and accomplished, don’t you want to hear how great you are from someone who adores you?
No. I don’t like attention and that would make me so uncomfortable that i would avoid telling you stuff that could warrant this behaviour of yours.
>I want very little from others. I just want to be loved and appreciated. “Aw, thank you.” “I appreciate you.” “You’re the best.” “What would I do without you?” “You’re a good friend.” “I’m so lucky to have you.” Hearing these makes me feel happy and fulfilled.
Some people show those thing in non-verbal ways. Thus you might be blind to it and start to assume that they are abusing you. Not everyones love language is words of affirmation. It kinda also clashes with you 12th point as you want words of affirmation in return for your service, thus it is not unconditional.
>I’m genuinely baffled by people who don’t want someone who wants to love and support them unconditionally.
Problem is that people pleasers do have hidden conditions. They want your attention and praise and if they don’t get it, they start to be resentfull and go “i did all those tgings for you without question (and without being asked) and you can’t even give me X”.
You might be confused as to what a people pleaser really is. A people pleaser is someone who constantly, relentlessly sacrifices their own wants, needs, and comforts for others. I used to be a people pleaser and I never stopped checking on the people I was with (is the a/c too much? You can turn it down! Is the music ok? Feel free to change it! Well, I have a shellfish allergy and don’t like other seafood, but sure, Red Lobster sounds GREAT to me, too!). It exhausted both me AND them.
There’s nothing wrong with being gracious and caring towards other people, as long as you remember that YOU matter as much as they do.
“Those who stand for nothing, fall for anything”
-Alexander Hamilton
I was like that in the past. This quote kept getting thrown at me until it finally clicked. Half of the people are going to dislike you for being a people pleaser while the other half like you for it. But also, half of people will like you for your opinions that the other half dislike. There’s no pleasing everyone, but the latter is more sincere. You just have to find the balance.
My boyfriend calls them “pick me” people. No one wants someone that seems like they’re changing or selling out to fit in, except maybe predators and co-dependent people. We’d rather chill with people who are different than a vague personality.
I have friends who are people pleasers and this is why they annoy/frustrate me sometimes:
It gets annoying when you know they might not be fully happy about something, but won’t tell you. They’ll always say it’s fine and try put decisions back to you. They think this is being “nice” but you can tell it’s not genuine. It’s a bit uncomfortable and exhausting after a while.
You feel responsible for guessing their feelings rather than being able to trust they’ll communicate them.
They also apologise so often that apologies have lost their impact when they actually do something hurtful.
On one end, you’re not being honest with your friends. You’re hiding your true opinions. They don’t really get to know you, and you don’t provide much back except for being an echo chamber of what they already know. you’re not adding to the conversation at this point.
I just really dislike passivity. I have an assertive, decisive personality (not loud or pushy at all, I just can’t stand being wishy washy about something.) I have a few friends who absolutely will not make a decision (where we go for dinner etc) and so I end up being the decision maker- which I don’t want to be, I’m not interested in bossing anyone around but nothing gets decided if I don’t call it. Being passive creates labour for people.
I also have learnt not to trust people pleasers, because once I have observed them repeatedly telling someone else what they want to hear despite the fact I know they don’t want to or don’t agree, I can’t be sure they’re not doing the same with me. It no longer feels like an honest interaction.
It’s also just really frustrating watching friends perpetuate their own problems over and over because they let people walk all over them.
Also, apologising when you feel you’re in the wrong is something everyone should do. That’s not people pleasing.
I find disagreements and arguments are necessary. If I’m not willing to argue with someone I actually don’t care about them enough to bring up something uncomfortable. Also if someone never argues will they just let things slid to the point of letting it get bad enough where they walk away without giving the other person a chance to correct it before the problems built up to something unfixable.
People that apologize quickly often over apologize for unnecessary things. It can actually be insulting or annoying.
When someone always goes along for the ride it takes time to learn that they need to be told what we are doing because they will always default to what you want anyways. This puts all the decisions making on the other person. That can be very tiring.
When a person is more like this others worry that you will get hurt. You can’t let just anyone be in charge of you. Some people take advantage of these traits.
A friend to all is a friend to none
It’s not the people pleasing in and of itself that’s the issue, it’s the desperation for approval that usually surrounds this behavior, and how this is usually subconsciously fueled by self-serving interests that’s a lot more transparent to others than it is to yourself, analogous to cigarette smokers not realizing that they smell like smoke.
None of the qualities you describe are bad. However, a close friend has a mother who she describes as a people pleaser, and she talks about it in a negative way. My friends mother constantly let her down in order to impress and placate other people. Giving away her daughters birthday or holiday present at random to someone who needed it more, going hungry for hours because one of her acquaintances was upset and needed to talk about it, and mom constantly cancelling plans because someone else needed Mom’s time at the last minute. It’s one thing when you are an adult and your adult friend behaves in this manner, but it’s different when you are a child and your parents act like that.
And Mom gets very upset at my friend when my friend is _not_ a people pleaser in her own life. She jokes that if a man in a bar murdered her for saying “no, I don’t want a drink” then her mother would testify for the defense in the man’s trial, saying that her daughter should have just drank the drink and been nicer about it. Because of my friends experiences, I don’t like people pleasers as anything more than acquaintances.
Because people get the whiff of inauthenticity from it. It’s usually not unpleasant to have people-pleasers around, but they are rarely anyone’s best friend, because, who are they? How can they remain consistent if they always “go along to get along”. Then how can what they say be trusted or truly valuable?
How can you really get to know them if they’re just predictably agreeable?
People subconsciously develop the mindset that they don’t get any actual opinions from people-pleasers, just an echo. And they find that uninteresting. So you will never be at the top of their mind when they want relief of boredom, i.e. want to do anything.
So many great comments which doesn’t leave much to say. I grew up in an abusive home only wanting recognition and love. I found myself doing everything I could to please dad to get some indication he loved me. It never happened.
Today I still crave those little words of encouragement and do my best to please those around me. I get enough to make me feel better about myself today but I still look want and need the kind looks smiles and knowledge I did something good.
Maybe I’ll never be totally fulfilled I don’t feel despised but often shunned and avoided by sone but not all those I encounter.
I know I’ll never change which may doom me to a life of disappointment with only few good memories. But that’s enough for me to keep the faith that all people are not bad and only looking for what they can get from me.
Am I happy _ yes with myself I have no regrets and revel in the small fleeting moments I know I’ve helped or pleased someone I care about. I’m different and wouldn’t have it any other way. Yes for me it’s worth every effort
People pleasing inevitably leads to poor boundaries, resentment buildup and passive aggressive behaviors. It’s also very self-serving in that all those actions come from a place of needing validation instead of genuinely caring or wanting to support others because they feel it is the right thing to do. That’s also one of the key differences between someone being “nice” and someone being genuinely kind.
I don’t trust people pleasers because I never know if they are saying yes because they actually want to be there for me, or if they are only saying yes because they feel obligated to go along to get along. It always ends badly with someone hurt in the end and sends a lot of mixed messages. I never know where I stand with them and they usually wind up doing something horrible because they don’t know how to manage conflict constructively.
As a former people pleaser, I didn’t see the problem until I realized that people pleasing is a form of manipulation. You’re trying to control/pacify other people’s feelings for your benefit. I realized that people pleasing isn’t actually loving someone and it isn’t loving myself either.
I hate feeling manipulated, so once I realized I was doing it through people pleasing, it started my ability to heal from it and change. My relationships are much better now. With the exception of a couple people who are also people pleasers, they didn’t like that all of a sudden I was “blunt”. (Me being blunt= having boundaries. Stuff like saying I was too tired to have an extra kid at my house that day.) But, their emotions are for them to deal with.
I’m a former people pleaser.
People pleasers do not have boundaries and oftentimes insert themselves in situations to try to fix people, appease people, for the sole purpose of being liked. It’s actually a covert manipulation tactic. It’s not a genuine trait to have, but more of a deceptive personality trait.
People pleasers often keep score as well. This is where the passive aggressive behaviour comes to play. They are often times tit for tat when they feel slighted “I did this for you and you didn’t do this for me”. This creates tension.
However, a people pleaser can also do things out of the kindness of their heart because they WANT TO. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.
People pleasers often are very well liked (for the wrong reasons), but only up to a certain point. After a period of time, people pleasers become resentful, bitter, passive aggressive when nothing is reciprocal and it starts to spill out and become noticeable into their relationships/friendships and those relationships can often end.
Then the people pleaser is left feeling victimized and slighted. Often feeling cheated and very very emotionally damaged.
The thing that stuck out to me the most is that you stated “I want very little from others”. Why is that??? Do you not feel deserving of reciprocity? Do you realize that in NOT wanting this, it’s actually a self limiting belief that you feel you aren’t worthy of it? This is likely why you tell yourself that you don’t WANT something that someone else could/should/would give you. People pleasers often never ask for things because they feel unworthy of it, so they people please, to feel liked, and therefore that makes them feel good. They base their self worth on the amount of things they are willing to do for someone at the expense of loving themselves.
People pleasing is part of who you are because of a trauma that occurred in your life (whether you want to admit to it or not, but it’s true) that has now manifested into people pleasing. Once you address the trauma and deal with it, you will then start to see your self worth and the people you have in your life who benefited from your people pleasing will start to slowly disappear and the ones who are reciprocal and love you for you, and don’t expect anything of you, will stay.
People pleasers also become people pleasers because when they were growing up, they either weren’t liked, bullied at school, or had an emotionally unavailable parent (aka trauma) So in order to rectify that, and to feel loved and liked, they go out of their way for others because they *never want to feel that way again*. This is a selfish act, because you aren’t appeasing someone for the simple fact of appeasing someone, you are doing it to be liked, loved and accepted. You are doing it to benefit YOU. Not the other person.
My biggest issue with someone that is a people pleaser is they’re untrustworthy. If you are constantly trying to make others happy you’re bound to hurt someone and yourself in the process. Everybody has people pleasing tendencies and I don’t see a issue with that but there needs to be limits.
This is how I picture a night with you
Me’: what do you want to do?
You: I’m up for anything.
Me: so like a movie, dinner, tv, pinball, ritual human sacrifice?
You: ya that sounds good.
Me: which one sounds good?
You: all of it, I’m up for anything.
Me: I picked the last 359 nights in a row can you pick something anything?
You: ya it’s all good, whatever you want to do?
Me: no what do you want to do?
You: whatever you want to do.
Me: I hate you.
You: I hate me too.
Me: do you have any opinions of your own?
You: sure do, just tell me yours and I’ll know what mine are.
Because they push their self growth and needs onto me.
>I just want to be loved and appreciated.
I’m a stranger, I don’t owe you either of these things. Even as a friend, you need to love yourself. I can’t be your crutch every day. Displacing your basic needs onto me every single interaction is obnoxious.
This also usually leads to the apologizing for everything. You’re not apologizing, you’re seeking affirmation. Again, why are you putting this burden on me instead of tending to your own self needs?
ETA: #15 (always apologizing) – You aren’t avoiding flare ups, you’re digging for compliments. If you wanted to avoid misunderstandings in the future, you would discuss it as an adult. (E.g., I’m not OK with x, maybe we do y?”).
Apologizing all the time forces the other person to respond, “No, you did well…” This is a method of using another person to superficially build your self-esteem or to talk about yourself (another way to superficially and temporarily inflate your self-esteem). I have stopped giving affirmation to people who apologize for things like this (e.g., “Sorry I didn’t answer your call, I was *engaging in a routine and normal activity*” me, “Ok. Are you going to make the meeting/party/dinner?”) I’m done being a meat sack to build someone up who isn’t willing to work on themselves.
>I hate arguing.
Is it arguing, or is it discussing different points and providing additional input to facilitate a better product? The whole point of democracy is that people have different experiences, education, and input that, if expressed and discussed, can be used to shape a better government.
By failing to participate, you put the entire burden of these decisions on another person. Maybe that person doesn’t want the responsibility or doesn’t want to feel like a dictator with subjects.
>I’m not particularly interested in forging my own course
Whether it’s friends or a partner –I want to be surrounded by adults, not a child that tag-a-along. If I wanted to adopt a full-grown adult, it would be a billionaire.
Points 1 and 2 inherently conflict with 7. You can’t be open to anything and have a strong sense of identity.
Bottom line: People pleasing is a selfish act that is borne from childhood trauma. I suggest therapy to dig into this further and build your self-esteem.
Eta: You’re not OK with being a people-pleaser; you have low self-esteem.
>What is the issue? What is so unappealing?
I don’t want my friends to be silly putty shapeless humans. I want my friends to have personalities, opinions, likes and dislikes, to be actual people.
People-pleasers come across as, for lack of an easier better term; NPCs.
>Don’t people want a sycophant? If you’re likable and accomplished, don’t you want to hear how great you are from someone who adores you?
No. I get that from my pets.
And even for people that want sycophants; they don’t actually *respect* their sycophants.
Unpopular answer incoming: 14. You are hurt if you don’t get a response. For me, that type of person tries too hard and expects too much. Making it about them, not me. So much for people pleasing then…are you not just pleasing yourself? What if i don’t want to engage right now? Why must you take offense when it’s about me and my own internal state…it’s not about you. Making it about you is burdensome and offensive. Despite the facade of good intentions, friendliness, agreeableness and subsequent hurt feelings.
I was a people pleaser. I didn’t do it out of pure heart, there was always a motive behind it. Either to make me look cook hanging out with people who are further down their career path, or people who were just more famous in whatever environment. Basically I didn’t earn my place being myself. And of course my elaborate plan didn’t always work out, sometimes I’d do things for others and then would get ignored. Which in turn would hurt my little ego, and instead of re-assessing my actions, I’d double down on people pleasing. The weird thing is, I didn’t really think of it as “people pleasing” during those times. There’s nowhere in the book written that it’s a bad thing. That’s just how humans socialize and evolve, some are aware of it, others are less aware of it. There’s no right or wrong way of living one’s life. It’s just in the long term I spent more of my time and energy on making sure people liked me instead of doing things I wanted to do and not giving a shit what people though.
If you really like pleasing someone else, like giving compliments, etcetera, and you’re happy with it, you’re not a people pleaser. You’re just a sunny giving personality.
If you go AGAINST what YOU really want to put someone else’s needs first, and do THAT as a standard behaviour and not as a “sometimes you compromise, sometimes the other person compromises” kind of thing, then you’re a people pleaser.
What’s the issue? Well first of all you drain yourself and will either end up depressed or addicted. And second, most normal people seek out peer relationships where you’re equal, and you’re refusing to BE an equal, but are acting more like a servant. That means the person who wants you as their peer doesn’t get you as their peer. That doesn’t make them happy.
I know you don’t need any more convincing, but for any other people pleasers in the thread:
It’s true that people-pleasers are mistrusted and are considered to have ulterior motives, but the main reason people-pleasers are disliked is that they don’t add value.
For examples…
* is your workout more satisfying when you lift 0.5 pound weights or something that makes you struggle?
* Is it more satisfying to play a game that just flashes “you win!” on the screen, or a game that challenges you to improve?
* Is it more satisfying to talk to an algorithm that spits out replies of “so true” and “you’re right” and “you’re so cool”, or a human who pushes back against some of your ideas or forces you to reconsider a topic?
* Are your conversations with yourself, where you already know what you’ll say, more interesting than your conversations with your friends?
* Would you rather always have to plan activities and parties yourself because your friend only says they’re Good With Anything, or would you rather sometimes have them help you actually make a decision?
* Would you rather feel in debt to someone all the time because they keep doing things for you and don’t ask anything of you, or would you rather have an equal back and forth where you feel like you’re on the same level?
People-pleasers are LOVED by narcissists and controlling parents who want to use you as a little assistant. But they’re disliked by people with healthy relationships, people who want a bit of resistance and pushback and encouragement to grow.