I’m older than her by two years (I’m 28 and she’s 26), and it feels like she constantly rejects my bids to have deeper conversations. This I think has really gotten in the way of our relationship going beyond surface level.
We have had deep conversations in the past, although at some point I hit some sort of wall and its very difficult to continue going with her. She’s on the depressive side, and sometimes gets angry with me when I try to continue a conversation she doesn’t want to have. When I try to ask what upset her, she gets avoidant about the whole matter.
Just a recent example: we were watching a show on Netflix today, and 2 episodes before the ending, she leaves without really saying anything. I ask her if she doesn’t want to watch the show anymore, to which she responds “Yeah.” I ask her why she didn’t like it, and she sort of mumbles “it’s annoying” while opening up her own laptop to watch her own show.
Absolutely nothing wrong with her not liking this show. But why is it so difficult for us to have a conversation?
A few pieces of context:
* I don’t feel there was ever a “moment” where I significantly upset her and caused her to act more distant with me, but maybe I’m wrong. I did leave home early on, when I went to a residential high school. And so for most of her high school years I wasn’t really at home.
* While I’m not an extrovert myself, I know I’m more extroverted than she is. I also have been diagnosed with ADHD, as has my mother. I’m not sure if that affects her as well. I suspect she (and I as well) may have depression but we haven’t had a diagnosis. I want to bring up these topics but fear that doing so might upset her (see anger issue above)
* She has a hard time making friends, and I’ve known about her for a while. She mentions feeling awkward in 1-1 conversations, and more comfortable in group contexts. That’s totally fair, and I try to keep this in mind by creating a safe, low-pressure, non-judgmental environment for her when we talk.
1 comment
I can only talk from my own experience here, so…
Don’t try to continue to have a conversation that she doesn’t want to have. That’s unpleasant, and she might just not be ready or not feel comfortable enough to talk about it with you.
You know those moments when someone brings up a small topic and you go “omg I feel the same way, I thought I was the only one” and then the conversation gets deeper and deeper. I think that’s something you guys need.
Does she initiate conversations with you?
Sometimes, when I want to talk about something, I start the conversation with a light topic that has nothing to do with what I want to say. I’m kind of working my way up, leading the conversation more and more to what I actually want.
Because I need time to feel more comfortable and see how the other person reacts and how well they listen without taking over the conversation.
It also works when you do that to get the other person to talk about something. You just need to find something they actually want to talk about and make one topic lead to another.