Firstly I want to say that I am in a huge state of cognitive dissonance with all of this so putting this into words is not easy for me. I have been with my girlfriend since we were teenagers and this relationship is all I’ve ever known, but since we moved in together I get a feeling of dread and anxiety thinking about the future with her.
We were both quite poor growing up so moving in together was not an option until only a few years ago when we had become a little more financially stable. I was excited to move into our new apartment and start our new life, but since the first day we moved in together, it’s nothing like I’d imagined it would’ve been. We opted to live in a nicer (albeit more expensive) place because it is close to work for both of us, and we are about a 10 min drive from some of the most beautiful parts of the country but even though we’ve lived here for a years now, we’ve barely seen any of it. She largely does not leave the confines of our living room or bedroom, and always sends me to go out and get groceries. I work a lot but I take on almost all of the housework, feed her dog, etc. When we moved in, she was earning quite a stable income from a job where she could work from home, which was great because this was during lockdown. She then almost completely stopped working and did nothing but play games or watch TV all day. She refused to look for a job, would get up in the late afternoon, and proceed to spend the rest of the day lying around. I would ask her if anything was wrong, quietly help out with some housework, as I assumed that she must’ve been depressed. It was during this time that she started blaming me for everything that was going wrong, would be either passively or outright aggressive towards me, and would attack my insecurities when she was feeling particularly horrible. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, I regularly felt belittled/mocked and uneasy, and looking back, I don’t know why I put up with it. One day she was just being really bad I decided to walk out of the house as I couldn’t be around it any longer. I don’t know why I did but I came back a little while later and agreed to work through it.
Since then, that behavior has largely stopped and we’ve been okay, but I feel completely and totally distant from her and we still largely spend time indoors. Sex is non-existent, we’ve went to a restaurant a couple of times and still largely just exist in our own spaces at home, only really talking over the dinner table. I feel like I’m watching the years tick by and that I’m existing rather than being alive. I can’t help but shake how she was with me during the time before I left, and I started to critically analyse my past with her as this behaviour had reared its head a few times in the past but it just wasn’t as constant and prevalent, I think partially because we didn’t live together I wasn’t subject to it all of the time. She has always had issues with anger and is generally incredibly pessimistic and selfish and it’s started to become very draining to be around. I’ve lost interest in all my hobbies, I do nothing outside of work now, I’m more distant from my friends and family, and I’ve started taking anti-depressants. The fact that I’m working so much and doing odd jobs just to make our obscene rent is icing on the cake. On top of all of this, I’ve become increasingly aware of how different we are and how different our pictures of the future are but I had just never consciously thought about it, we sort of just went with the relationship without thinking much about the future. I feel like the person I was before I first walked out is different to who I am now, as if the curtain has been dropped and all of the little things I chose to ignore out of love have become so apparent.
I feel like my situation at home has really worn me down. I’ve been terrified to communicate all of this to her because I’m a coward and I think I know ultimately where that conversation will lead, but I also know that running away from it isn’t doing me or her any favors. I just don’t really know how to navigate this situation, I’ve never had to make a seriously big decision in my life like this, especially considering that we both live together. I’m also feeling a little pressured by time and finances. I am finishing up a course here that means that in the near future, I could find work abroad (something I’ve always wanted to do) with a career that I’m passionate about. I’ve started to dream of having a more exciting life elsewhere and starting afresh, but it also makes me feel incredibly conflicted and I feel like I’m being inconsiderate. I still care about her and I keep imagining her face when I tell her and it just makes me freeze, like I’m unable to go through with it, she has been all I’ve ever known and we used to be inseparable, but now I am so deeply unhappy. I guess I just need some advice.
TL;DR My long-term relationship has become deeply unhappy and unfulfilling but I’m terrified to make the big decision to end it.
5 comments
You’ll get over it, and so will she. Throw in the towel. Doing the hard stuff in life is what makes it better.
Breakups hurt. But you’re already dying a slow death here, so putting this relationship out of its misery will benefit you BOTH in the long run.
Sorry to hear you’re feeling so conflicted about this. You’ve been together since you were teenagers and that’s an incredibly long time to build a life with someone.
It’s not uncommon for people to change drastically during that time, and develop different wants and desires for their life. It sounds as though you have become very different people.
Sometimes it can be helpful to ask yourself: what would need to change for us to stay together? If those conditions could be met, how?
If our answer to that question is something radically unachievable, ie “I would need them to be a completely different person” then you know what you need to do.
It may be helpful to share your thoughts about uncertainty with your partner before you end it once and for all. If you decide to break up, it can still be a process you give both of you time and space for. You are not a bad person if you decide you no longer want the relationship, and it sounds as though you’re almost already there. If the only thing keeping you from doing it is your partner’s reaction, that’s another clue about what you want. Good luck with it, you’re in a hard position.
Edit: reading more about what you’ve sacrificed to be in the relationship, and how your mood, friendships and hobbies have drifted away, that is quite concerning and again, something to put on the table with her in a calm conversation.
I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through such a tough time in your relationship. It sounds like you’ve been carrying a heavy emotional burden, and it’s entirely understandable why you’re feeling conflicted and scared about making a decision.
First and foremost, it’s essential to acknowledge your own feelings and mental health. You’ve been trying to make things work and have been patient, but your well-being is crucial. It’s not easy to be in a situation where you feel drained, distant, and unfulfilled. It’s okay to prioritize your happiness and mental health.
Communication is key in any relationship, but it seems like you’ve been hesitant to address your concerns out of fear of the conversation’s outcome. While it’s true that discussing these issues may lead to difficult decisions, it’s also the first step toward finding a resolution. It’s important for both you and your girlfriend to have an open and honest conversation about your feelings, your concerns, and your visions for the future. This conversation may be emotional and challenging, but it’s a necessary step to gain clarity.
Consider seeking the support of a couples therapist or counselor if you believe it could help facilitate this conversation. They can provide guidance and create a safe space for both of you to express your thoughts and feelings.
Remember that it’s entirely reasonable to have different visions for the future and to grow as individuals over time. It’s also okay to prioritize your own happiness and aspirations. Your dreams of working abroad and starting fresh are valid, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for having them.
Ultimately, the decision about your relationship’s future is a personal one that only you can make. It’s okay to be scared and conflicted about it. Take your time to think things through, have that conversation, and consider seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist. Whatever you decide, remember that your happiness and well-being matter, and it’s okay to make choices that lead you toward a more fulfilling life.
It sounds like you’ve made many sacrifices and put in a lot of effort to make the relationship work, and that’s commendable. However, it’s crucial to remember that a relationship should be a source of support, happiness, and growth for both individuals involved. From your description, it seems like the relationship has become a source of unhappiness, stagnation, and emotional strain.
One thing that stands out is the importance of open communication. It’s understandable that you’ve been hesitant to have a difficult conversation because you’re afraid of where it might lead. But by avoiding these discussions, you’re essentially maintaining the status quo, which doesn’t seem sustainable for your well-being. A genuine conversation about your feelings, concerns, and desires for the future is a necessary step.
Consider speaking with a therapist or counselor, either individually or as a couple, to help facilitate these conversations. They can provide guidance and create a safe space for you and your girlfriend to express your thoughts and feelings without judgment.
It’s essential to prioritize your own happiness and well-being, even if it means making a tough decision about the future of the relationship. You mentioned that you’re taking anti-depressants, which highlights the toll this situation is taking on your mental health. Continuing to exist in a relationship that doesn’t fulfill you isn’t a healthy path forward.
Regarding your aspirations to work abroad and pursue a career you’re passionate about, those dreams are valid and worth pursuing. It’s not inconsiderate to seek a more fulfilling life; it’s a natural part of personal growth and self-discovery.
Remember that you can’t control how your girlfriend will react to this conversation, but it’s essential to prioritize your happiness and well-being. It’s okay to seek a more fulfilling life and to make choices that align with your long-term goals and aspirations.
Ultimately, you deserve to be in a relationship that brings you happiness, support, and growth. I hope that you find the strength to have that difficult conversation and navigate this challenging situation with the support of friends, family, or a therapist. Your happiness matters, and it’s worth pursuing.