My(26F) boyfriend “Greg”(30M) and I have been together for 3.5 years but have recently become long-distance due to his work situation. My brother “Matt”(24M) and I live close to each other and he invited me to come hang out and go bar hopping on his birthday this weekend. I said that of course I’d love to join, but asked if Greg could come as well since he was in town visiting me. Matt said that he only wanted me to be there and asked that Greg didn’t join. This put me in a tough situation as I wanted to celebrate my brother’s birthday, but didn’t want Greg to be excluded, especially since he drove all the way to see me and our time together is limited.
I ended up telling Matt that I wasn’t going to make it. I respected his choice since it’s his birthday and he can do what he wants, so I didn’t push or ask why Greg couldn’t join. I was pretty upset with Matt for blatantly excluding Greg and making me choose between the both of them. He has never said anything bad about Greg to me or indicated that he doesn’t like him, but I recently heard from other family members that he thinks Greg isn’t committed to me because we’ve been together for so long and aren’t engaged or even living together.
Obviously our situation is complicated since we’re long-distance at the moment, I’m also not ready to get engaged and will not rush into anything because of my family. It’s also nobody’s business besides mine and Greg’s. My brother has had several short and unsuccessful relationships all while I have been with Greg; I have never once judged him or excluded any of his partners from activities like this. I thought Matt acted pretty immaturely, especially since he never directly confronted me or told me his concerns/feelings about Greg. Part of me feels guilty for not hanging out with my brother on his birthday, but I was not going to leave Greg behind and say “you stay here while I go to my brother’s birthday party that you weren’t invited to”.
Am I in the wrong for not seeing my brother on his birthday after he excluded my boyfriend? How do I move forward at this point?
TL;DR: My brother invited me to hang out for his birthday but excluded my boyfriend. I decided not to go and am not happy with how my brother handled the situation.
8 comments
>Am I in the wrong for not seeing my brother on his birthday after he excluded my boyfriend?
No, you’re not in the wrong for wanting to include your boyfriend who traveled to see you. And your brother is not in the wrong when, for whatever reason, he wanted to celebrate his birthday without your boyfriend.
>How do I move forward at this point?
If you’re close to your brother, you could have a private conversation with him and ask why he wanted to exclude your bf and let him know why you decided not to go. I would do that rather than ask other relatives what your brother thinks/feels about your bf.
I’m not clear, was it just going to be you and your brother? If so, then yeah, your brother was perfectly reasonable, and it’s shitty to want to spend one-on-one time with someone and have a third person hauled along.
OR, was it going to be a group thing, going to different bars? In which case you are absolutely 100% in the right, or at least your decision was perfectly reasonable, especially given the limited amount of time your BF was there
Well your young brother learned a good lesson here and that’s don’t expect your sister to ditch her long-term partner she doesn’t get to enjoy (properly) much because he wanted you to celebrate him on his birthday without your partner. He’ll be mad for now, but hopefully, he’ll realize that your life partner/future hubby/wife comes before anyone else in most cases when he finds his.
Don’t feel bad as it wasn’t your fault as he chose to not include your man on the rare time you two are together now. He’s foolish if he thought you would choose him over your partner in this situation. Trust me as I know and if my queen was here and I couldn’t bring her to a relatively normal family event. I would make the same choice as you. Hell, I wouldn’t wait another second thinking about it and just declined right after she wasn’t allowed to go. LDRs are hard enough when they’re gone, there’s no way in hell I’m giving up precious in-person time for anything other than a real and serious emergency. A birthday party doesn’t come close to meeting that standard.
Info: was it going to be just you and Matt on his birthday?
Was it just going to be you and your brother or a small group of people or was it a large celebration? You said you heard these things from other family members but have you talked to your brother?
You get to spend as much or as little time as you want with your brother or partner. That being said right now it seems you have jumped into some serious drama because he just wanted you there. It could be as simple as he wanted to spend time with you. You have a lot of missing information that makes it hard to help.
It sounds like your brother just wanted to hang out with you and people he’s really close to, which is understandable since it’s his birthday. And you aren’t wrong for declining since you don’t see your boyfriend much. I would just take a raincheck with your brother, apologize, and take him out to a nice lunch or dinner next week sometime.
I think you need to meet with your brother individually and try to talk about the bigger picture issues of what was demonstrated on his birthday… both by him (and his decision) and by you (who would have maybe been able to change plans with more head notice and why you didn’t feel right coming along when your guy would have had to sit at your place alone after making arrangements to visit you… and also how much you would have loved to have celebrated with your brother because you love him).
I think you should specifically ask him if the rumors of what he thinks are true… and if it is, that he should not further punish you if he feels someone isn’t treating you well (doesn’t make logical sense)… and that actually you’re in 100% agreement with it not being the right time to be engaged and that he should accept your wishes since there are always factors inside a relationship that others on the outside don’t know about. And then ask him if there are going to be any other issues going forward.
And, then I think you should meet with your family as a whole and explain that – at your age and 3.5 years into an adult relationship – any time you are invited to an event with family it is going to be assumed – and should be assumed – that your guy is also invited (barring it not being an all-woman Bachelorette party or something like that). At some point, you shouldn’t have to be asking for permission.
Adding partners and spouses can be tough on a family. It can bring major changes to some individuals or the dynamics of the whole family, and it might not feel like old times when that affects routines, traditions, and individuals feeling like they need to act differently. Or, the addition of the new person might spotlight changes in a sibling or child that already exists.
I just caution you… sometimes, our family can see things clearly from a view where we cannot see it or don’t want to see it. So, when you speak to your brother and he legitimately has concerns for you and about you, listen. Think about them carefully. Don’t be too quick to dismiss him or his thoughts. And show him that you care about his perspective – even if you have to come back to him later after thinking about your discussion and tell him you disagree. Even if you don’t see what he sees. Unless he is being completely irrational, show him you care even if he isn’t taking the best route to show you he cares for you. He will appreciate that you did… and it will likely come in handy down the road when when you might have to have similar discussions with you… or when you might have to unexpectedly revisit this topic.
I understand both sides. I understand you not wanting to exclude your boyfriend after he travelled to see you, but I also understand your brother not wanting to be a third wheel at his own birthday.
Can you and your brother do a belated birthday celebration another weekend?