I have two kids and am the main parent, financial provider and maintain the house – now wife wants me to sacrifice more
I have two young kids who I love, and am also the main parent for – I cook, clean, do the pick ups. I also manage to work and am the main provider. My wife is someone that has had mental health issues all her life and became prominent in the last few yrs.
I am trying my best to support her as well.
Recently she wants me to sacrifice more – telling me to give up my job and move to a much lower paid role so I don’t need to travel (I travel for work once every couple of months for a day or two). When I do travel I organise for a helper for my wife to look after the kids after they get picked up from school.
I have no time for me. I many times skip showers or am having to find excuses to fit being the parent and provider and doing all other chores around the house and working.
My wife and I are not intimate, she’s also due to her mental health gets triggered easily. but I try to think this one day will pass. I fear it never will.
I’m scared for a future for my kids if we separate. I’m also living an unsustainable life trying to juggle too many responsibilities.
Am I asking for too much?
Edit
Wife has been seeing psychologist and is getting pills but that has been a trial and error for the last few yrs.
She works part time.
She finds her job stressful.
She is better at connecting with the kids emotionally and I do credit her for that.
However, it is a walking on a tight rope with her emotions an mental health. It’s hard to predict how she’ll be.
Last night at 2 am she came into my room (we sleep separately..) and told me not to travel for work as she’s too stressed. She said she felt pressured to let me travel. I have an upcoming trip and she wants me to cancel. But I really cannot so last minute!
24 comments
Is she doing anything to address her mental health issues?
I personally would just flat out tell her “no” and ignore whatever pestering she wants to throw at me. What does she do for the household? Your children? Does she work? If not, what does she do all day?
Mental health issues don’t just pass one day, they need to be addressed NOW before they affect you and your children even more than they already have. I don’t want to pass blame onto you because you are clearly working hard to make up for her complete lack of parenting and support but it will get to the point where you allowing your children to suffer around her without addressing her issues will become neglectful on your part, too (if it hasn’t already). This is not fair to you and it is certainly not fair to your children. She needs to be seeing a therapist and maybe even taking medication. Doing nothing and hoping it’ll all go away one day is never going to work.
You say you are scared of the future of your children if you separate but you *should* be scared of their future if you continue living like this without her getting any help. They can see how neglectful she is towards them and you *will* burn out one day. This will have so much more negative consequences for your children than separating ever will. It’s time for her to shape up or ship out and unfortunately, it sounds like that’s one more thing you’re going to have to take responsibility for if you want to protect your children.
Hell naw I’d be out of there. Does she work at all? Does she help you with the kids, around the house? Tf are you getting out of this relationship? Im worried for your kids *now*, watching their father suffer like this. What is that teaching them? Tell her to fuck off into psychotherapy because you can’t medicate her like she clearly needs and then *be a little selfish sometimes*. Stop being a doormat and for the love of god *don’t quit your job*.
What are you doing?
Read your own post back to yourself.
Your wife is crazy and you need to chill. Tell her to sit on an egg and prioritize yourself for a bit.
You are not asking too much. You have to figure something else out, OP. I empathize with your wife’s mental health issues but what’s going on for you is too much.
Dude no.
When you become a parent your first priority become their safety. their physical and also mental safety. What do you think you’re teaching your children when you stay in this unhealthy relationship.
You say you’re doing most if not all of the chores at home. What is your wife doing? Is she working? is she a stay at home mom and doing…nothing?
Your kids need a stable home, and YOU are the one giving them this.
They NEED a healthy father.
And about your wife. You can love someone with all of your heart, but if they’re not willing to get better and work on their mental health, then it is better to seperate.
Please..for your own and your childs health, seperate from your wife and take the kids with you. Judging by you being the one doing most of the child care you’d probably be the one with custody. BUT please talk to a lawyer about this, and document everything your wife does or refuses to do.
Are you two able to discuss hiring a nanny for the kids? Then hire another service for helping you two out around the house?
OP,
You’re not asking for too much. But, it sounds like she needs an outside perspective so marriage counseling might be helpful, especially if the therapist understands her mental illness and can put things in the proper perspective for your wife to understand.
I’ll give you different advice. You need to start planning an exit to your advantage. You need to document all of the stuff you do for the home and the kids. You need to document all of this ‘if I am gone for day someone else has to be there’ stuff. All of it. It would be best if you tried to increase your interaction with the children.
This is likely to end in divorce, and when that happens you need to be as advantaged as possible to gain custody of your children. It would be worthwhile to consult a divorce attorney for the ‘just in case’ and to gain advice on how to prepare should it happen.
While you are doing that, you need to work on fixing things in the hopes that divorce does not happen. Couples counseling, individual for her, all of it. If you can fix things so they work out, great.
But you need to work that plan B. You are scared for your kids? You need to prepare so that you do not have to be.
My guy, please tell your wife to get therapy and you need to get a lawyer.
You need to have sole custody and she needs to get better. It would be better if she makes the sacrifice of giving you all up to work on herself.
Don’t let your kids see how she is. She sounds very not good.
Is wife seeking help for her issues?
Awwww hell naw, she’s asking for MORE from you when you already do everything and hire her a helper when you aren’t around? She’s not pulling her weight at all. Franky, she’s not even at the starting line. This needs immediate counseling and professional help for her mental issues so she can actually start to right herself and contribute something, anything to the household.
Are you asking for too much? Let’s nip that line of thinking in the bud and instead ask what she brings to the table here if you aren’t even being intimate with one another?
INFO:
What does your wife do? Work? Stay at home?
Is she actively seeking help for her issues?
Exactly what do you fear for your children?
Honestly, you are single parenting from the sounds of it, and about at the end of your rope with responsibilities. Honestly, I would document it all, and consult a family law attorney just to see what the future “could” look like. I fear both for your health and that your children could currently be normalizing this awful situation.
OP’s wife with her history and mental health issues is unlikely to get custody of the children. OP should make sure he gets all his affairs sorted out:
– Document his wife’s mental health issues.
– Document his efforts vs hers in the household
– Get his finances sorted out
– Contact an attorney
– Then file for divorce and request full custody of the kids with supervised visitation rights for the mother
You do need to give something up.
However, it’s not your job. It is your marriage.
This situation sounds unsustainable. Your needs serious help and desire to change.
Damn. This feels unsustainable. You should find a better wife.
If she’s not actively seeking or in treatment, you’re only enabling her by doing what you are
I know you mean well, but it’s harmful to both of you in the long run; she needs expert help
Don’t quit your job. If your wife doesn’t want to get professional help for her mental illness then you should at least get a legal separation.
Consult with a lawyer.
I think it’s time to contact a lawyer.
Your wife sounds like she’s the worst
You gotta draw the line somewhere man. Do you like your current job? Is it paying the bills? If so it’s not going to help your family life to take a job you don’t want for less pay
Dude. What do you even get out of the relationship? You are caring for three children, not two.
This cannot be a healthy environment for your children.
You need to stop. You’ll burn yourself out and you know what will happen then? You’ll start resenting your wife and the life you live.
Is she addressing her mental health issues? If not, she needs to so she can take at least some pressure off of you! Maybe a re-evaluation in meds and a different doctor/therapist would help.
That sucks, man. Going through this as a father is incredibly tough. Even if you get to the point where you want to leave, it is like a 99.9999% chance that she’ll get the kids. I have no advice, unfortunately, only sympathy