Me and boyfriend have been dating for almost over a year. He has a girl bestfriend and I have no issues with her personally. He did have feelings for his girl bestfriend couple of years ago but she rejected him. In fact me and his bestfriends both have been friends way before I have dated my boyfriend. However 4 months after the relationship started my feeling started increasing and I have started to feel uncomfortable with both of them. During parties I always felt left out. My boyfriend and his bestfriend would always leave in between middle of party and then come back later. I do trust them in the sense that nothing happened but it always made me feel uncomfortable. They would always be glued to each other during parties. They would sit next to each other and cuddle a bit. They say it was platonic and she say she sees him as his brother but it definitely made me a bit uncomfortable. Even people in the party have brought up how the relationship looks like three people were dating lol. I have tried to be open minded but after a while I could no longer hold it in and I realized I don’t want to live in sadness quietly about it. I have never brought up my emotions for couple of months until me and my boyfriend hit the one year mark.That’s when both said their emotions and how they are platonic. I still set my boundaries because I believe certain things are only kept for couples such as
1. Holding hands
2. Linking arms
3. Resting shoulders
4. Late night activities ( phone calls, hangouts, drives)
The fourth point may be argued but for me it definitely makes me feel uncomfortable when they interact at night and it’s not due to trust it’s mainly because I want to be that person to him where I be with him at night because I do find everything after night more intimate.
My boyfriend doesn’t have a problem with 1-3 but he does have an issue with 4 even though he said he would listen to me. But I am not sure if I am being over dramatic. I don’t mind them hanging one on one during the day but i do feel uncomfortable if it’s at night.
Another point to note—> my boyfriend has 2 female close friend (x and y). I have been talking about x previously and since I have seen their interaction most that’s why I feel uneasy by some of their behaviors however with y I have not really felt that way because
1. Even thought y and my bf are best friends, y does have other friends and a bf and both have a life away from each other.
2. Y is heavily independent and doesn’t really third wheel all the time with us and she doesn’t ask my bf for help all the time, whereas x does.
X is very sweet and kind but sometimes I do get annoyed by how much she is dependent on my bf. Me being his gf is not even that dependent towards him.
I do not want my bf and x to cut ties at all but I think I would be fine if my bf is transparent about the hangouts and they hangout only during the day time or late evening but anything later than that if I am not there it’s a bit uncomfortable to me.
TLDR
I am uncomfortable by my boyfriend and his girl bestfriend hanging out or doing any activity at night because I believe night is more intimate.
All I want to know is if I am valid for feeling this way and if this is a reasonable boundary?
Thank you!
5 comments
He is not over her. If she gave him the chance, he would be her man in a heartbeat. You are the placebo, the person willing to be #2 in his priorities just after her. Actions speak louder than words, and he is not being straight with you. I do believe she is not interested, but her ego certainly likes all the attention he gives her and being #1 on his priority list. Don’t kid yourself about making him cut ties with her, he will drop you before he ever drops her.
Edit: I did come back to say that while he is not being straight with you, he may not even be straight with himself. He could be living in denial, or may lack the ability to self reflect and realize the situation. That’s up to you to figure out, and if the truth is a deal breaker for you.
She is basically his other girlfriend, this is unacceptable. You really don’t need to put up with this. Normal guys don’t go for long drives and cuddle with their female friends, that’s so creepy. They treat them same as a guy friend and never prioritize them over their actual girlfriend.
I think you should prioritise yourself and your feelings and be straight to him pretending to have some clear answers, try to ask him what he would do if you asked him to not go out with her at night and then see his reaction. I don’t think he has to cut his friendship with her but he should understand how do you feel and put some boundaries. even if doesn’t think that going out or talking at night is more intimate he should respect you feelings and stop doings these things and if he doesn’t then honey I don’t think it’s the right guy.
What country are you from? I’m from the USA and this is weird. A bf doesn’t disappear for several minutes at parties leaving his girlfriend and openly cuddle/sit next to/constantly touch a friend that is female more than he does his girlfriend. Sure he might take off and play beer pong or something, may sit on the couch and play video games or cards, but not cuddling like you would with girlfriend, especially not with girlfriend there or an audience. He may throw a casual arm around her for a second bc it fist bump, but no intimacy or lingering.
He’s obsessed with her because he can’t have her. I’d leave. You set reasonable boundaries.