I feel like i’ve been desensitized from this life. Certain situations that would leave the average individual in tears or extremely joyful, leaves me feeling VERY slightly sad or happy. For example, my grandfather passed away a couple weeks ago and I had to force out tears to fit in with everyone that’s grieving and crying. I actually really liked my grandpa and we had a good relationship but I just wasn’t moved emotionally.
Another situation, I recently scored the highest grade on a test out of my entire school which completely surpassed my expectations but I just wasn’t that happy.
It’s gotten to the point where I would imagine extremely sad/happy situations and visualize them just so I could feel something, I would force myself to cry at night just so I could feel emotionally alive. Socially, I’m affected too. My friends around me would be super hyped or whatever from doing something joyful like beating eachother in video games or table tennis and would be so emotionally loose and that helps them socially, but me, I just have this same emotionless ‘hey’ when I greet someone and I just remain there emotionless, combined with my social anxiety, it completely ruins my social life. I’ve even been told by people that I’m so emotionless I should be a surgeon because no matter what I face even if it’s a gruesome horrific and sad scene or patient that I have to deal with, I’ll just there, emotionless, ready to work. In ways, this is beneficial. I’m able to remain completely calm in many situations and only act by logic and not emotion but it’s way more detrimental to me as i’ve mentioned.
Also, I have some sort of a superiority complex and I just sit there emotionless and just think to myself about how much better and smarter I am than everyone else in the room. I dont like this about myself because sometimes I unintentionally (and intentionally) bring others down to feel even better about myself.
If you would like an insight on how my life and thoughts are, watch American Psycho starring Christian Bale and closely analyze the protagonist, Patrick Bateman, pay attention to what he says and how he interacts with others, of course im not exactly like him (i dont enjoy killing people) but it’s quite similar in terms of being an emotionless body wandering around.
Feel free to reply or PM me and help me out with this please 🙂
2 comments
Well, you cannot force emotions, but at least you are capable of experiencing some emotions. Some people cannot experience anything. Was it like this since you were a child?
This what you are experiencing looks like having sociopathic tendencies, but I may be wrong, since some people feel similar while being depressed. Sociopathy is a wide spectrum, so you may be bordering it.
It’s a good thing to go to therapy, where you can learn many things. Anyways therapy is a way to go to get better integration into society.
Can’t say I’m completely along the same lines, however, I have the same issue of rationalizing death. For example, my mother passed away 15 years ago, and on the day we learned of her passing while my father and brother were crying while we were all hugging I stayed blank face and didn’t cry or at her funeral, since she was diagnosed with breast cancer, was clean a year later, and had relapsed to the point of being bedridden and almost comatose w it h the next 2 years. So I rationalizeD the expectation of her passing. Similarly, my granduncle, who I didn’t necessarily know too well since they lived in Florida for the majority of my life, but he developed Alzheimer’s near the end of his life and all I could think of when he passed was how my cousin’s life would be a bit easier.
I would agree with the above response, if you are not against it, going to therapy may help you figure out how to adapt.