I (23M) have been seeing this girl (22F) for two months. Everything has been nearly perfect up until recently when she told me during a heated discussion that she wasn’t sure if she should “move past this”.
For context, the impetus for “this” was a few miscommunications about physical intimacy. We are both still virgins, so we have been moving slow. Heck, we didn’t even kiss until date 5! We are extremely communicative about physical acts, as we always check to make sure what we’re doing is okay. She has emphasized multiple times that she trusts me and that she has never felt this comfortable before.
However, last weekend, we were physically intimate too often for too long, which she brought up afterward. I agreed with this. This all came to a head when she asked me to pick her up because she wanted to sneak out and see me (strict parents).
When we got to my house, she said she didn’t want to get “too crazy,” which neither of us clarified what that entailed. Kissing was seemingly on the table, but then clothes started to come off. I checked to make sure this was okay considering what she said, and she said, “It’s okay; I want to now.”
She was definitely uncomfortable after, which is when she said the thing about being too physically intimate. Thus, I suggested we take a break from physical stuff, to which she agreed. She said, “We’re good; these issues are resolvable.”
However, a FaceTime call the next day had her questioning everything. Apparently I asked for oral multiple times within the same day/weekend. I give her oral, so I’d like reciprocity there, but I’ve been sleep deprived and must’ve not realized I asked. I apologized and took 100% blame there.
She also referenced my not wanting to watch movies made from her country. She wanted to watch a 3-hour one the other day at 2 am, and I wanted to watch something shorter. She referenced another time we watched a movie from her country but that I seemed like physical stuff was all I wanted. I watched the entire 3-hour movie, but I definitely would take breaks to kiss her throughout. It was playful!! I listen to her country’s music and even learned a few dance moves.
She basically was insinuating that all I was interested in was physical. She also felt like she HAD to change her mind on being “too crazy” because it seemed like that was all I was pushing for, as if I were coaxing her.
She said she wasn’t sure if she could or should move past this. She also said something like that she didn’t even have to having this convo at all, implying that she could have broken it off already.
Physical intimacy is a new territory for both of us, so naturally we got a bit overzealous. I just don’t know how she could say all of that when I was the one who suggested we take a break from physical acts. She said she’d think about it.
During a second FaceTime the next day, she said she’s willing to give it a shot and that she wants to work past this. I agreed. She did take accountability for not being able to say no to physical stuff; I told her she should feel comfortable saying no to me. But she kept accusing me of saying things she wanted to hear. Those were my genuine words, and she’d have to let me show her through action. I told her I hope to come out of this stronger than how we went in, to which she agreed. We then set some boundaries.
We hung out for the first time yesterday, and it went well. I reiterated how things were not communicated well/how a lot was misconstrued and how we should just get back to our normal, strong communication, as it really is strong. She even initiated a kiss with me.
On the surface, all is well, but it still rubs me the wrong way the assumptions she made about my character/intentions and how she was almost ready to end it over our first big fight. It seems like she holds all the power because she could tell how upset over the idea of a breakup made me. I did not cry but was definitely choked up a bit and pleaded with her. I was taken by surprise to be fair, and I’d hate to see our strong bond end over some miscommunication.
How should we move forward? Like I said, the energy is slowly returning to baseline. But should I share how I still have lingering emotions over some things that were said? If so, should I wait? And can a relationship ever come back from one person considering ending things?
TL;DR: Our communication is top-notch, especially concerning physicality, so I was surprised when she was basically ready to end our strong connection over our first major hurdle: some miscommunications during physical intimacy. How should we move forward? Energy is slowly returning to baseline. But should I share how I still have lingering emotions over some things that were said? If so, should I wait? And can a relationship ever come back from one person considering ending things?
1 comment
To be honest, I’m a little surprised she’s giving it another chance. My advice to her would be to break up with you. I will explain why using an analogy.
Most people love cake. What’s not to like? It’s delicious! That said – we don’t always accept an offer of cake even though we love it. Sometimes, it’s because we really don’t want it – maybe we feel sick, maybe we’re full, maybe it just doesn’t look all that appetizing. But sometimes, we have a greater purpose. It’s not that we’re not tempted by the cake – but maybe we are trying to cut down on our sugar intake or trying to lose weight.
Now imagine that every time you go over to your friends house they offer you cake. But they don’t just offer you cake – they talk about how delicious it is, they cut a piece and put it in front of you, etc.
If your friend said to you “I want you to feel comfortable saying no to cake” – on some level they are right. You should feel comfortable saying “no”. But on another level, if you’ve already talked to them about wanting to lose weight, they are being a jerk by constantly bringing cake around you. They are not being supportive or helpful. Again – it’s not that you aren’t tempted. So, they are putting the full weight of not caving and having to say “no” each time back on you. They aren’t working with you at all. They are working against you. Someone who is considerate would understand what you are trying to achieve and back off a bit. That doesn’t mean they will never offer you cake. They will just be mindful and try not to offer every time.
I’m sure you understand I’m calling you the cake-pusher in this scenario…
When was the last time you had a date with her *not* on your couch where the temptation for physical intimacy will be high? Do you take her on proper dates? To a museum, or dinner, or a picnic in the park? Do you spend time with her and try to get to know her more in situations where physical intimacy would clearly be off the table?
Personally, I would not consider clothes coming off and engaging in oral after knowing each other 2 months “taking it slow”.
It’s not just about asking for oral that one time. That time you were sitting on the couch kissing her neck throughout the movie – that’s like wafting cake in her face and saying “oh! But you can say no…”.
You aren’t really respecting what she’s asking for or trying to achieve. You are actively working against her – which is kinda a jerk move.
I’m not surprised she jumped to breaking up. It doesn’t sound like you are doing your part to be supportive. This indicates that you aren’t compatible and working towards the same end goal.
Frankly, I think your feelings on that are yours to deal with and demonstrate that you don’t truly understand what she’s talking about.
Sorry if that’s harsh. Just calling it as I see it.