Hi everyone! I have been dealing with these thoughts for a very long time and finally decided to write a post and ask for advice/insight/tips and I would really appreciate your help and complete honesty! (Sorry for the long read)
A couple of things to note before going into the post that I’ve seen are commonly mentioned in some comments: my hygiene is decent, I’m an okay-looking person, always try to be respectful and not make insensitive/hurtful jokes, etc.
I am in my early twenties and over the past several years have noticed that I find it hard to make friends and fit into friend groups. Here are some observations that I’ve made about myself and other’s reactions to me:
1. I don’t have social anxiety but, as a non-native English speaker, sometimes when talking I start worrying that I am mispronouncing words or getting the grammar wrong. This makes me overly aware of my voice and I actually start stumbling over my words.
2. Sometimes when I say something I’m not sure if I am too quiet or if people just choose to ignore what I’m saying. Not sure how can I make my voice louder/ become more confident in what I’m saying.
3. People don’t seem to naturally gravitate towards me. When meeting new people I feel like there is something about me that simply turns people away or just doesn’t attract them towards me as a person. I also try to be animated (smile, laugh, actively listen when someone is talking). Sometimes I feel like there is writing on my face saying “Avoid at all costs!”.
4. In a group of friends, when everyone is laughing and joking around (random funny remarks, jokes, the usual stuff), anything I say goes either ignored or causes the laughing to pause. I am aware that I’m not naturally a funny person but when I say things that are of the same style or in line with what everyone else is saying it always falls flat. This makes me feel terrible and stops me from participating in group discussions and I just feel excluded. I also feel like everyone else in the group bonds way better and I am just there. Honestly I probably could disappear and no one would notice. (This happens all the time with any friend group and I can confirm that these people are generally nice and friendly and are not doing this on purpose against me).
5. People don’t really want to become friends with me. Don’t get me wrong, they will speak to me at work/school etc. but it will never go beyond that. We will never make plans to meet or maybe get beyond the acquaintances stage. I tried initiating a couple of times but nothing ever came out of it. Since moving overseas for university I have genuinely not made any new friends and I lost all the ones I had back at home. I completely understand that friendship is a double sided relationship but I feel like I forgot how to be a friend and make friends after feeling so lonely for so long.
Even writing this post makes me so sad. I miss having good friendships so much and nothing terrifies me more than the idea of feeling this lonely for the rest of my life.
Any thoughts or advice will really help me. Thank you!