I (28F) just found out that my (27M) boyfriend has been cheating on me.
The other woman contacted me and told me that my boyfriend said him and I were separated but living together because our lease is not over for a few months. We have a 9 mo old daughter together. He visited her at work once and went on two dates with her. When he was going on dates with her, he told me that he was working overtime. I was at home taking care of our daughter and the house.
The other woman confirmed that they never had sex, only kissed. They have known each other for 10 years. Dated once in 2016 and another in 2018 but have not dated since.
The part I’m most upset about is the things he would tell her. He said things to her like “you’re the one that got away. We should of had kids together instead” and were planning a life together.
He is very remorseful. He wants to do everything he can to fix this and prove to me that this was a one time thing. I kicked him out. He wants me to let him come back him so he can prove to me with actions and words that he will never do this again. And he just keeps saying he’s sorry and how much he messed up. He has therapy set up for Monday.
He has bad mommy issues. His mom is a drug addict and neglected her children. She would lock him and his younger siblings in a room for days while she would go binge. At 4, he was changing his younger siblings diapers and giving them what little food he could find and was starving himself.
His father gained custody eventually but his father is not a nice man. His father remarried to a wonderful woman (when my boyfriend was in 8th grade) and she showed my boyfriend what motherly love is.
He said the reason why he cheated was because I was not giving him the emotional love he needed at home. His step mom filled a void for him. And when he moved out, he has been looking for the void to be filled. I filled it for him but when I had our daughter, all of my focus shifted from him to our daughter. So I was no longer filling that void for him.
I read only 15% of couples actually survive infidelity. I’m looking for advice on how to move past this. I love him and believe him when he says that this was a one time thing. I believe his remorse and his willingness to fix things. I want to hear stories of others who have worked through infidelity and are still together.
TLDR: my boyfriend emotionally cheated on me for 3 weeks. How do I worked past it?
40 comments
Your boyfriend’s actions are his responsibility to fix
I’ll break the news to you now; *once a cheater, always a cheater*. Your boyfriend has proved he’s capable of it and that means he could do it again.
It sounds like he’s great at manipulating you into believing he’s sorry, but if that were true he wouldn’t be trying to further a relationship with another woman he loved. He’s only sorry that he got caught.
I would personally advise against allowing him back unless you want this cycle to repeat itself. I’m not saying don’t let him be a father (if he chooses), but for your own sake get out while you’re still young!
The time he spent with the other woman, is time that he chose to not spend with you and his child.
Cheaters always bring up mental health, their childhood issues or anything else to justify their cheating and absolve them from any accountability. He doesn’t even want to take responsibility for his own actions, meaning the chances of him doing it again, are too damn high.
And what remorse? He’s saying you’re to blame for his cheating because you’re a new mom. While you were taking care of your child, HE was spending time with another woman and neglecting his part in parenting. Cheats are nothing but predictable.
That man doesn’t like you. If she hadn’t told you, it would still be happening and you’d never know. He was making PLANS with her for the future. He wants her. You are his mommy/maid/sexbot and he doesn’t love you.
Your child doesn’t need to see you tolerating the disrespect and betrayal of this man. He had no problem neglecting his child/disregarding her to go be with another woman.
Hell do this again because he doesn’t respect you and he doesn’t like you.
Don’t go backk 🙁 if he took time out his day to see her he doesn’t love you
They were planning a life together, let him do it. To my mind he can try to be a father if he really wants but cannot be your BF.
He only sorry the girl out him, not that he done it.
He done it because you was giving your attention to your daughter 🤦🏻♀️ wow just wow.
Don’t take him back, if you really desperate to try again he needs consequences and that would be NOT coming back for a minimum of 6 months and only talking about your daughter and dropping her to his parents for him to have visits.. then in 6 months if he not an absolute moron than work on your relationship with couples therapy
Well, just because we know why he turned out to be this way, it does not make it acceptable. I will suggest what you can try to do to “fix” things, but I will also focus on warning you.
You still love him and want to fix things. The issue is, the damage was not done by you, so it is not you that can fix it. Even if what he tells you is true, and you neglected him substancially after having a child, this still excuses nothing.
He has a need for emotional dependency. He can work on that and perhaps reduce it, but let’s be honest it won’t go away completely.
You may be able to make your relationship work without any further infidelities. The “once cheater, always a cheater” saying is nonsense.
However, even with fidelity you bf will always be emotionally needy, this can go in couple ways regarding children. He may be increasingly jealous of your child and be a neglectful father. Conversely, he may also get overly invested in your child once she gets older. This can result in a controlling attitude where he would use your daughter as a partial void filler. I can’t emphasize enough, how much psychological damage it can deal to her.
Again, you may be able to greatly improve your relationship and even avoid any further infidelities from him. It still means a very difficult life ahead of you. There is a slim chance he will recover enough to make your life happy, but it is unlikely and getting there will be long and difficult process.
For now, he should stay living seperately from you. He can visit and keep “proving” whatever he wants. However, he also needs to give you the space you need and living seperately is a good way to force some emotional independence onto him.
“When he says that this was a one time thing”, uhm one time thing at least for now. And the fact that he was saying to the other girl that she was the one that got away and they should have kids together instead means that he is willing to throw you under the bus just to have a life together with his other woman. He has bad mommy issues but he is willing to make his mistress another mommy. Lol
LEAVE HIM.
By now he should be an ex boyfriend
There’s a whole sub for couples trying to reconcile, r/AsOneAfterInfidelity
It’s bleak. We are going through this as a couple and it’s rough. You both have to really want to stay together to make it work but the relationship is forever damaged.
He essentially said that it’s your fault he cheated on you because you were focused on his totally dependent baby instead of him. Really? This guy? This is the guy you want to be with? This is the guy you want to set relationship goals for your daughter with? Don’t do it.
So you want advice on how to still stay with this man?
Dump his ass
I’m sorry. I really am sorry for you.
Just remove him from you and your baby’s life. It will be for the best.
It’s a one time thing? It’s been going for some time now. Time after time, he chose to *lie* to you, *cheat* on you, and *badmouth* **YOU**
You are not the reason he can’t keep in his pants. “You didn’t fill my void so I went elsewhere” is just a plain gaslighting statement. Kinda like saying “you’re at fault I didn’t do the right thing”. Equal to punching a man and telling him he made you do it.
You let him back in now, and he’ll never stop.
He didn’t just emotionally cheat he physically did. Don’t take him back and start the process for getting child support from him.
You don´t “move past” it. You dump his ass and get a lawyer for custody 🤔
I’d leave. He’s only remorseful he was caught. And he would’ve gone further with the OW if she hadn’t let you know. Add in how he blames YOU for it and I’d say run. Run fast and far. He’ll do worse again, but will be sure to cheat with someone who won’t approach you.
Those 15% that do survive, is because the cheating partner admitted to their mistakes, took accountability, and did not place the blame on the other partner. Assuming he didn’t do any of these things based on your post… not sure why you want to continue based on “love”. PLEASE think about your daughter and if this is something you would want her to go through. Please give her the best role model and do what is best for YOU and HER, not him, eff him and his “needs”.
First of all, this was not a one time thing. He saw her several times and talked to her repeatedly. And he’s not remorseful, if he was he would have confessed himself. He’s sorry he got caught. And also he’s blaming you for his cheating so no accountability. What happened in his past does not give him license to cheat. You really need to dump him, he’s toxic AF
I’ll be honest with you, he has some serious issues, and those who survive infidelity usually have a strong foundation. In this very brief post, you describe him essentially saying that he never loved you for you, just for what role you filled in his emotionally compromised brain. Like he didn’t act out because cheating was his crutch or something in an otherwise good relationship, or because he has a sex addiction and it was just about sex, he cheated because HE ONLY VALUES YOU FOR WHAT YOU DO FOR HIM. Which means everytime you put your focus elsewhere, he will stay in some capacity, or at least be very resentful of you. None of that is good for your child to grow up in the middle of. His issues run so deep that his codependency is more important than how he actually feels about his partner. That will take YEARS to unpack in therapy IF it is possible, and on the other end, he may just discover that he doesn’t love you for who you are at all. And again, it is not a healthy situation to put your child through that tumultuousness as they grow up.
I’m sorry to say, but you have been a place holder. He has most likely been holding out for this other woman for 10 years, and was just waiting for his chance to be with her. I’m sorry you ended up having a child with someone like that, it is very unfortunate.
I’m sorry, but your man has severe mental problems and baggage from his past, he has never unpacked in therapy. You aren’t his emotional crutch and neither are you his therapist nor his mother. He told this other woman things, that were very emotional, full of love and destined to build a future together while having a family back home. I find this disrespectful to say the least or straightforward borderline abusive.
You are a new mother with his child. He should be a man right now to take care of his family. Instead he felt neglected. Sees the child like its a competitor. I can’t get over the fact that he told that woman, that he wishes he had a child with her instead of you. I don’t know if I would be willing to forgive that.
This won’t get better until he gets help. You have nothing to do with his problems. He needs to get into therapy. He is thirsty for love and looks for a replacement of his lost mothers love. This isn’t as easy as “I was just horny”. Whether you can forgive him or not is entirely up to you.
My perspective comes from personal experience. I must first say I hate infidelity in all forms and have always said it is an instant dealbreaker for me. However, I have seen first hand a relationship overcome infidelity. My dad cheated on my mom when I was a young teenager. It was a brutal time that destroyed relationships in our whole family. I was devastated, had always been taught family was everything and my hero had blown it up. My dad went to every person hurt from this over the years and personally apologized. He went above and beyond to repair each relationship. He worked every day in the succeeding years to be a better man and husband. They were married for 56 years until dad died in 2019.
Reconciliation can happen, but the work that goes into it is not easy or simple. Does your BF have the temperament to contend with endless suspicion and questions for an indeterminate amount of time? Is he the type to bear down now and work to be a better man and father? Because if he cannot handle these couple of things mending your relationship is going to be short term until he cannot handle the emotional strain of facing his consequences. You need counseling to work through this. I truly wish you the best.
Insist he go to therapy. Sounds like his life was really messed up and perhaps he really doesn’t know how relationships work therapy may help him cope better.
Tell him you will be checking whenever he has to work late. Install the life 360 app so you can track his location.
Tell him it’s going to take a while for you to trust him again. Let him know this is a one shot deal and if there is ever a repeat it’s over.
If he has bad mother issues, wouldn’t you think he’d be more likely to appreciate you being a good mother to his child than most?
I’m not sure how i’d react in the same situation cos it’s hard to see past the initial hurt and at what you think is best for both you and the child. I hope everything works out for you petal, you sound so lovely. The man is a fool xxx
Couple’s therapy gets tossed around here like salad, but couple’s that wish to get past some kind of infidelity in a relationship usually need guidance. There’s a lot to understand from why it happened to how to get past it in a healthy manner. Seriously consider therapy both together and apart. Inside your relationship, you and your SO need to keep communication open. Regularly discuss your needs and feelings. Make time for each other no matter what (cuddling, general chats, dates, walks, etc.). This sort of thing can happen again if the relationship doesn’t take priority which is why communicating everything is so important.
Cheaters never stop cheating. The fact that he wasn’t the one who told you about the affair is enough evidence that it would’ve still been a secret (and likely ongoing) if the partner hadn’t stepped forward. Do yourself, and your daughter a favour. End this relationship now.
It is never one time. NEVER. My ex cheated and beat me for 10 years and it was more than once. They allways come back and never leave because we are their servants, their comfort pick. I should had left when I still could but didn’t because they are very convincing.
Please, for you and your baby, break that relationship for real. I know what I’m talking about.
No.
He cheated, because he wanted to cheat. He cheated because HE lacked communication skills, and deciding cheating were his go to. Do NOT let him put that on you.
Honestly, the fact that he isn’t even owning the blame of that would make me kick him to the kirb, even if the cheating hadn’t. (But I would kick him to the kirb for that).
You deserve better. Please find better.
He’s only remorseful cuz he got got. We was ready to trade you out for “the one that got away” and would have been back on hes knees begging for you once things didn’t work out. Trash whimp behavior.
> said the reason why he cheated was because I was not giving him the emotional love he needed at home.
I know you came here to hear success stories of couples that have survived infidelity, but this has to be said. You can’t fix a person, and cheats will always be cheats. Rather than communicate his needs, he chose to cheat on you. He will do it again, I’m 95% sure of it. He may even go for years without doing it, but he will eventually do it.
Now, there are small minorities that manage to do the work and change their ways, but they are so rare i personally wouldn’t count on that.
People deserve second chances.
I’m going to disagree here. I think you should try to save your marriage. Go to counseling as a couple, set limits and boundaries and try to work things out.
Well, his childhood trauma is valid. He probably has abandonment issues and needs to feel loved. When he doesn’t he feels disconnected. He isn’t lying there.
But it’s not reason to cheat and he knows this.
He like self sabotaged without knowing he self sabotaged. Meaning, the people in his life that were supposed to love him unconditionally, didn’t. They weren’t around or treated him like he was nothing or whatever. So somewhere in his subconscious he always felt like you would leave him too. Why wouldn’t you? Everyone else has. He probably doesn’t understand that he his trauma is a driving force for his decision making. He needs to be aware that his trauma is a reason why he chooses to do certain things.
If this is the case – getting caught was the best thing to happen to him. Getting caught has made him recognize and accept some things about himself he might not have been fully aware of. You will probably notice that his communication is better now too. He will need to continue this and he will need his life 100% transparent. No secrets at all. None.
I’m really sorry this happened to you and I know you’ll get through it. I hope the advice from people who have had experience with this and overcame helps you very much. I think it’s wonderful that you love him in his brokenness. I hope that your love will help him to take responsibility for himself, heal and change. The right fight is a podcast I like about loving people in a way that helps all parties involved. Sending well wishes.
He just want you because he other women dump him.
Mommy issues is his reason as to why he cheated? This guy have serious moral problems girl.
>His step mom filled a void for him. And when he moved out, he has been looking for the void to be filled. I filled it for him but when I had our daughter, all of my focus shifted from him to our daughter. So I was no longer filling that void for him.
This is absurd and kind of disgusting…. is he implying that he wants to have sex with his stepmother??? And even worse his fully admit being jealous of his own baby, what translate into “I’m a terrible dad and I’m always going to be”.
>I love him and believe him when he says that this was a one time thing. I believe his remorse and his willingness to fix things.
One time thing? This wasn’t a one night with some girl he met in a bar… he was talking about having a life with this woman. He created so many lies to you and her that he probably don’t even remember what is the truth.
Forgiven him for cheating is your decision, but the fact that he admit that he’s jealous of the baby and that this contributed for him cheating is a big sign of how good father he is. You have a kid now, stop caring about this guy feelings and put your baby first.
>He wants me to let him come back him so he can prove to me with actions and words that he will never do this again.
He wants to come back because he knows you will find out you don’t need him… that’s the truth. Lots of women stay in unhealthy relationships because they believe that they cannot handle parenting alone or that their children will not have a family without their father living in the same house… in reality your baby will grow up better not seeing her mother being cheated on.
let’s hope this guy doesn’t give up, cuz it would be a shame to ruin the potential of this child
Sorry that I have to tell you, but he is not remorseful… the only thing he regrets is that you found out.
There are only 2 Options:
1. He cheated because he is an ahole, that has little to no feelings for you and just uses you as a safe Option B. People that do things like this have most likely narcissistic or even sociopathic traits, but they learned over the years how to hide them. They fake emotions so accurate that nobody can tell.
They also have some favorite games that are called: gaslighting, lying, manipulation and mental abuse (which sometime became physical after some years). If he is that Person good luck with him… you and your child will desperately need it if you want to get out of there someday. Until then he will cheat every time he doesn’t get enough attention.
2. He is a codependent narcissistic parasite that only cares about his needs and in his world your and your childs need are always behind his. He will slowly drain you until you dont have anything left to give. That at that point he will just drop you as soon as he finds his next „host“ to feed from and secured his place there.
It don’t matter if he is Option 1 or 2 you need to leave him or at least go on a break. Give him at least 6-12 month to show that he will continue therapy and put in some damn effort to get you back. If he cant keep this up for 6-12 month there is no chance that he will stay loyal and change his behavior.
Right now he just tries to secure his OPTION B AGAIN. That because with a solid option in the back hand, he can look for your replacement, while being comfy with you. If she cant keep up we his needs he will stay with you and just meet/sleep with her from time to time. When the day comes and he finds someone that can meet his need better and is willing to put him always first, he will drop you in a second.
Be sure that you are really aware of the possible consequences for you and your child. That is no healthy environment for your mental health and your child’s development.
By the way I’m a men, a father of 4, married never cheated, believe that values and boundaries are important and count always for both sides. So I’m definitely no men hating feminazi or something like that 😅
I just hate dishonest people, that use good people that show empathy and compassion.