Using a throwaway account. I have been with my boyfriend for over 10 years now and we have lived together for almost 9 years. Since 2020, things have been super rocky in this relationship and I kept thinking things would change. For example, we moved last year from a shitty apartment to a much nicer living situation and I thought that would make things better but that hasn’t been the case.
My boyfriend has been a huge part of my life and I have been with him for all of my 20s. I have become very attached to him as a person because I have grown and worked through childhood trauma with him by my side the whole time. But now, I’m at a point where I feel like I am no longer romantically in love with him.
Our issues that started in 2020 had a lot to do with external factors such as COVID-19 and the presidential election. My boyfriend doesn’t believe that covid is real and he is also a big trump supporter. I have opposite beliefs. I know covid is real as I work in the health care industry and I also cannot stand trump. Since 2020, my boyfriend has turned into a massive conspiracy theorist and is convinced that the world is going to end. He also thinks that I’m going to die because I got the covid vaccine.
My boyfriend drinks a lot and he has anger issues. When he drinks, I avoid him like the plague. He also likes to engage in “party favors” when he drinks. I have told him recently (in July) that if he does drugs again, our relationship will end. Well, he did do it again and we are still together. I am weak and haven’t been able to face the reality of this situation.
We have been fighting all summer long and have had moments where things seemed great but then we’d wind up pissed off at each other once again. This past Thursday, my bf asked to meet for a drink after work and I did. We were having drinks and sharing an appetizer and the whole time we were there, he talked about how he needs to buy ammo and prepare to fight because he is convinced that a civil war will be happening soon. I was looking at him and thinking “this dude is mentally ill and I can’t do this anymore”
After we got home, we wound up fighting and I told him that I can’t do this anymore and I wanted him to leave. Mind you, I was buzzed and this is what gave me the courage to actually stand up for myself. I told my mom and my best friend that we broke up. He left and blew up my phone but I ignored his calls and texts. The next day, he kept texting me asking what was going on and accusing me of wasting his time and giving up on him. I felt like complete shit and was unable to get out of bed. I kept crying. I kept thinking about how we built this life together and now it was going away. I caved and told him that I didn’t know what I wanted and then we wound up hanging out that night. He was back in my house after that and we didn’t really talk anything through.
Well now, my mom and best friend have been asking me if I’m okay, and they both assume that I’ve finally ended this relationship that I’ve been complaining about all summer long. I feel like a total fool for not sticking to my word. I don’t have it in me to be honest with them and to tell them that I gave him another chance. I feel like if I stay in this relationship, I’ll wind up being sad and upset all over again very soon when another argument happens. But part of me is hanging on to this because I feel terrified of the thought of being alone. I hate the thought of having him move out and not being around our dog anymore. My name is on the lease (only name on the lease) so I’ll obviously be staying where I am now but it’ll be hard to manage this living situation all by myself.
There is a lot that goes into all of this and idk if any of this even makes sense but I’m at a loss right now. I feel like if I end this relationship, I could be making a huge mistake. But then I feel like it could be the right decision to move on, despite how painful it would be. I question, will I ever find love again if we split up? Will my dog be okay if he’s no longer around? Would he understand and respect my choice someday? He got so angry with me when I said it was over the other day and then I started to feel extremely guilty about it all. I feel like no matter what choice I make, people will be frustrated or upset with me. Am I just afraid to hurt him and in turn, hurt myself? People tell me I deserve better. It’s hard to think that I do though.
Any advice on how I can move forward?
8 comments
You clearly do not love this person. You are afraid of going through the grieving process. Leaving someone who you’ve been with for that long is like having a loved one die. It is real grief and gives you the same feelings. It will hurt. There is no getting around that. And it can even take up to a year. But once you come out the other end you will be normal again. I promise.
You two are very different people from what you have shared. It’s not going to work out. The longer you wait, the more it will hurt.
You are with an angry, drug addicted alcoholic. You have to fight the fear of being without him. I promise you, you will be happier than ever before once you are away from this situation. You’re so deep in it right now, you can’t see the light. Relationships shouldn’t be this way, not healthy ones.
The problem with “trauma bonding” is that once you’ve worked through the trauma you often find there’s nothing left holding you together. We’ve all been through extraordinary times and a lot of us didn’t make the best decisions during that period. But you’ve cited your reasons for why you no longer want to be with him. Now you just need to build up the will to tell him that and stick to it. If you have the space in your home you might consider taking in a roommate to abate the feeling of being all alone.
So you’re using him as a painkiller just because you’re afraid of being alone.
Not because you like him, and certainly not because you respect him.
Get your shit together, OP.
I don’t like going to the dentist but I grit my teeth and bear it…..or I open wide and bear it as the case may be. Because it’s a lot more pleasant than a tooth infection.
Your boyfriend sounds literally about as desirable as an abscessed molar.
**You are using love as an excuse to be miserable.**
How sad is that. You took a powerful emotion that can be used to make a good relationship great and you are using it as an excuse to be with a man you don’t enjoy being with, a man who treats you like shit, and a man whom you believe has serious mental health issues that he is no doubt self-medicating with drugs and alcohol.
You know that as long as you stay in his life he’s never going to quit poisoning his brain with drugs and alcohol too. Why would he ever quit? He gets to do whatever he wants and you’ll still be there for him! Your staying with him means he’s going to get even worse because he has no reason to do better.
All in the name of love?
That’s not what love is for.
End it, for real this time. Block him on all social media. Break YOUR cycle of addiction to him and look at your birth certificate. You are about to enter your 30s. You need to not only act lile an adult but you need to realize you only have so many years left to find and enjoy a REAL adult romantic relationship.
Be the adult. Find a good relationship.
Listen, I’ve been where you are. You don’t need my whole story but I get it, I really really do. You can trust me when I say:
>will I ever find love again if we split up?
Maybe, maybe not. Probably yes. Most people who have been in your situation do. But even if not, it’s better to be single than in a relationship that’s crushing you like this. It doesn’t feel like it at first, but I promise you’ll feel better without this weight dragging you down.
>Will my dog be okay if he’s no longer around?
Yes. Your dog has you. It’ll be fine.
>Would he understand and respect my choice someday?
Again, maybe, maybe not. This is outside of your control. Let go of it. And if he won’t ever understand and respect your choice on this, the fact is he won’t ever understand or respect *you*. Is that what you want? Forever?
If your best friend came to you and told you everything you’ve written here, what would you say to her?
If you have a daughter with this man (forgive me if you don’t want kids; it’s a thought exercise) and she grew up watching your relationship and then found a man who treats her exactly as you’re being treated, how would that feel? What if you have a son, and you find out he’s behaving like your boyfriend in his relationships?
You just need coping mechanisms to be able to sit with the discomfort of being broken up. Those bad feelings (did I make a mistake? Am I cut out to be alone?) will fade after one week. So you just need to make it through one week. Plan out distractions like watching movies and seeing friends. Listen to podcasts and read books about self-respect. You know you need to break up, help yourself make it happen!
See a therapist, you are so co dependent trauma bonded with this alcoholic, that isn’t healthy. Ask for help from the people in your life to get out of there.