So I had date no. 2 with a nice lady I met online. Really warm down to earth chats and I really enjoyed her company. Thing is I’m not attracted to her. I don’t have much experience with rejecting women and I want to be as authentic as possible but don’t want to hurt her feelings. I could see us being friends but nothing in the romantic sense.
If she asks about another date I think I should just get straight to the point and say I enjoy spending time with you as friends but nothing more. That’s the right thing to do right? Never really been in this situation before
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Personally, there are few phrases in the English language I hate hearing more than “let’s just be friends” and therefore I will never use it. It simply crushes my soul and feels fake. I phrase that feels more genuine and respectful to me is a version of, “I am just not feeling a connection”. Try that on for size and see how it fits.
However, given that I’m assuming you’re the dude in this het relationship, it is likely that she will expect you to ask her out for date #3. Thus you have a choice. Let the convo fizzle or go straight to the point.
“Hey great meeting with you but didn’t feel a romantic connection. Wishing you all the best!”
If you actually want to be friends for xyz reason. Mention that. One of my dates and I talked a lot about cycling so we agreed to remain “cycling friends”. And he did send some helpful guides/materials.
But don’t say you want to be friends just to be nice. Like others have said. Sounds fake.
Don’t say you want to be friends if you don’t mean it. Just tell her outright that you didn’t feel a spark, better than slow face since it gives her some closure.
Tbh I’m dating for a singular reason: to find my person who I will eventually marry. I have friends. Love me or don’t waste my time.
Or you could tell her you’re not feeling the connection you’re looking for.
Last guy guy told me “if you wanted to be friends I would be fine with that”. I was like… what a dick lol
Are you actually looking for friends? Or do you simply want to let her down gently?
Don’t use the “let’s be friends” approach unless you’re actually looking for a semi-close friend.
Most people won’t appreciate it.
Just say you don’t think you’re compatible. There’s no benefit to getting any more specific.
“Hey I really enjoyed the last couple dates we had but to be honest I felt more of a platonic connection than a romantic one. I hope you find what you’re looking for!”
I’ve been on both sides of this. Of course, I’m not sure how this nice lady will react but I’ve always really appreciated when someone has told me directly that they don’t feel a romantic connection. It’s always solicited a “thanks for being direct. Wishing you all the best!” And I’ve always received that same response when I’m the person who hasn’t felt the connection. We’re adults in our 30s. Not wasting time and avoiding ambiguity is pretty great. Good luck!
You should message her to let her know that you aren’t feeling the spark. I’ve had so many guys just let the conversation fizzle out, and it’s hard on me because I don’t always know if I’m getting the slow fade or if he’s just busy. I much prefer a definitive “I don’t want to date you” so I’m not left wondering.
I hate the “let’s be friends” offer though. It feels like a lame consolation prize and never actually goes anywhere. Thus, I never make that offer when I’m the rejector. I have had the rejectee counter with an offer of staying in touch as friends, and I have accepted a couple times, with guys who I genuinely want to like but don’t feel any attraction towards. I try to give off very clear friend vibes though so I’m not unintentionally doing anything to lead them on or give them false about something romantic developing in the future.
I wouldn’t go along with it. I agree just say you don’t feel a connection and be honest out front. I briefly dated the kindest successful soul with a fun spirit but I just wasn’t into it for physical reasons that did not really sink in the first couple dates. You catch yourself checking out others during your dates instead of who you’re with and it’s a strong and clear sign.
I go with the tried and true:
It was great getting to meet up, but I don’t think we are compatible.
Why not have the “let’s be friend” conversation and then really be friends? If it weren’t for failed connections on the apps, I’d hardly have any friends in my current town.
You could respond with something like “I enjoy spending time with you. If you want a friend to hang out with in the future I’m down”. A woman actually said this to me, I got the hint and I wasn’t offended at all. We did hang out again and are legit friends now. She was a nice person I enjoyed time with but there was no romantic spark there and that’s okay. Good luck out there!
I wouldn’t wait for her to ask for another date, just say it straight forward “hey, I had 2 nice dates that I enjoyed, it’s just I don’t see us being more than friends, so I would like to offer that to you, but it’s ok if you say no”
Dont wait for her to ask. Tell her straight up you dont see anything romantic forming.
Ask her to do friend things? If I want to get the, “I just want to be friends” vibe going I talk about other girls I’m actually romantically interested in. If they can handle that and still want to stick around then good for them.
I have a lot of female friends too. Somehow I meet people and kinda hedge while I’m finding out if I’m interested or not… make sure I don’t fuck anybody (and fuck things up) and I end up with a lot of really good female friends that way
Ideally they invite me to events and let me meet THEIR friends or take me out dancing, etc. I’ve met romantic partners that way too
Straight to the point – don’t make anyone wonder.
“I’ve had a good time but I’m not feeling the connection I’d like to continue dating”
Hm, I used this the other day when a guy asked to continue the date to get dessert.
“It has been nice getting to know you. But, I don’t think our personalities mesh very well.” Or you could just say “I don’t feel a romantic connection, but it has been nice getting to know you” something like that. That’s consideration for someone that is another human being with emotions than “letting it fizzle”. Rejecting someone sucks. Being rejected sucks. Just remember they’re still another person with emotions. And would you like it if someone did that to you? Doesn’t take much to be considerate.
I appreciate it when guys come out and just say they don’t feel a connection. We are adults and hopefully act like it! I prefer closure and honesty. Unless someone really wants to be friends, then I’d prefer to tell me straight up and we can move on
Please don’t let it fizzle as some have suggested. That feeling of being slow faded then ghosted is absolutely awful. Just be direct and say you don’t feel the connection. If she likes you it’ll sting for a bit, but much kinder than the former.
On average women take rejections much worse than men because they are not used to them but being straight to the point but gentle and kind will help her in the long run.
”I really enjoyed going out with you but I don’t think we are compatible on the romantic side” or something like that.
Do not tell her that you see her as a friend, because she may think that she wasn’t flirty enough.
We should stop to use “as a friend” to justify not being attracted.
Being friendly is not not a problem.
If someone really likes you, you can be friendly as much as you want.
Cheers my dude – that’s basically how I see it too
Thanks for everyone’s answers!! It’s really helped actually as like I said it’s not the kind of thing I’ve really had to do before.
I went with saying that I felt a more platonic connection rather a romantic one and wish her the best in finding what she’s looking for.
She took it well, said she felt similar but was going to give it one more date to be sure and also wished me well.
Not sure if I should respond as she was a cool girl but I just didn’t fancy her. I’m thinking I should just let her be and get on with her life while I get on with mine.
I’m pretty upgraded up front about it, but I try to do it as a conversation and not a declaration.
“Hey, we’ve had a few dates, and I wanted to a check in with you on how you think it’s going. I’m enjoying time with you, but I don’t think I’m feeling a romantic connection. How do you feel?”
If they feel similar, I ask if they would be up for staying friends or if they would prefer a clean separation. Otherwise, it’s like a normal break up and hugely dependent on that person’s reaction.