Backstory: I live with my 24year old sister. We have been looking for a new place, mostly because my sister doesn’t like the one we live in. I’ve lived here longer and have gotten used to this place (been living here for years), but she has been nagging me asking that we move lately as she is really unhappy here because of certain problems regarding the house (e.g. not very bright, certain problems with moisture damage to the walls that the landlord refuses to fix). At first I told her I didn’t want to move (I still don’t). She begged me to reconsider because she can’t still afford a place by herself (to be fair, neither can I, plus the place we live in rn is cheaper because I signed the lease a couple years ago when the market was better.). Our parents help us with our rent, so they have a say on where we live. We recently got a call from our father suggesting a place he found through a friend, so we went to check it out.
It was in good condition, so we started talking prices. I made the mistake of suggesting a higher price than my sister did which was poor thinking and planning on my part.
We move past that and eventually leave the place. My phone was getting fixed that day, so I asked my sister if I could call our father, tell him about what we thought of the place and how it went, etc.
She explained she didn’t feel like talking at the moment, so I asked if I could still call, to which she agreed and passed her phone to me.
I start talking to my dad, describing the apartment and every few seconds my sister starts cutting in to voice her opinion, talking over me every time. I told her to wait for me to finish and pointed out how she said she didn’t feel like talking to our dad. She kept doing it and at one point grabbed her phone back while I was talking. I shoved her hand away and she got very defensive saying “stop being so rude to me! Stop shoving me!”. I lost my patience, gave her her phone back while telling my dad that “apparently my opinion doesn’t matter anyway” and left. (I said that not only because she kept talking over me but also because I was the one leaving everything I like behind so my sister can “be happier at a new place”). I spoke to my dad on my own a few hours later and told him this is clearly not working out, I cannot and do not want to leave my place and I don’t want to keep living with my sister if it means abandoning everything I like. That I will work even more and stop getting support from him so he can invest it all to her if he wants. He said that he knows my sister is my world and that I need to compromise and let my anger go. That my sister is right about how the place we live in has problems and that we need to work it out together and find a better place.
Next day my sister and I make up. My parents call to ask about the apartment again. My sister tells him she is reconsidering, because even though the owner settled with a lower price, he is adamant on renting it out as furnished and she wouldn’t have anywhere to put her own furniture.
Then this happens:
As I’m getting ready, my dad accidentally calls again, doesn’t realise it, and starts taking to my mom, saying “boy, these girls of ours are erratic.” to which we unsuccessfully try telling him he called is back.
Then he says : “think [me] is jealous of the little one?” My mom replies “I don’t know about jealous, but she definitely got mad at her sister because she did better at negotiating the rent price than her”. I left the room, my sister hang up the phone. This makes me think that they think about me in a terrible light. Not only was the fight not about that, I have never done anything out of jealousy to my sister. I love her dearly and care for her. The first few years she moved in with me I made sure she missed out on nothing. I cooked (and still do) for her daily, budget so she can have whatever she wants, and sometimes find myself treating her like I’m her mother (which is bad, but I feel like it’s my duty to help her in ways no one else can). My sister keeps saying that I should talk to them and that she feels bad for what was said and that she also feels angry because they called her “erratic”.
I think the erratic part was a joke. The rest sure didn’t sound like one.
8 comments
I think you should look for a way to live separately from your sister. This is clearly unhealthy right now.
No need for arguments or being angry. It leads nowhere and only creates room for negotiations.
You guys are grown ass women arguing like teenagers. Have an adult conversation and come to an agreement. If you can’t, then find other housemates.
Also, if someone doesn’t know you can hear their conversation, hang up the damn phone. People say all kinds of nonsense they don’t mean in a private conversation with their SO. You’re just inviting drama into your life.
First, please edit your post to include paragraphs. As is, it’s a wall on text nearly impossible to read.
Second, it was your sisters phone. The second she wanted it back you should have returned it, not pushed her away.
Third, you only heard a snippet of your parents conversation. It was not a conversation you were meant to hear, and it was derogatory towards you. You may no like or agree with what they said but it wasn’t a situation where they were making fun of you and based on the story you tell above I can understand how they came to the thoughts you heard them discussing.
Finally, yes you should discuss this with your parents. Just ensure you go into the discussion open minded. You and your sister were behaving like young kids on that call and I’m sure this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Your parents have formed this opinion based on your behaviours.
Parents are allowed to have opinions. It’s unfortunate that you overheard their private conversation, but nothing was said with malice toward either of you.
Parents have opinions that would horrify their child if they heard them. TBH, if I had to listen to my *grown* children squabble like toddlers and shove each other, I wouldn’t have sounded so nice. (Especially if I were giving them ongoing financial assistance.)
You and your sister need to get over it.
Idk why most people are criticizing you, fighting with your sister and being upset about what your parents said both seem normal??
I feel like all you can do is 1) find a new place you and your sister both can agree on, knowing it’s not forever, and 2) confront your parents, telling them you heard what they said and that you disagree with their conclusions and here’s why. It was nobody’s fault you heard and if you don’t bring it up it’s just gonna fester.
When I was 19 I finally had the courage to come out as gay (I had moved out and to another city by this point). I broke up with my boyfriend and told my parents. They were confused – “he’s such a nice guy, that’s such a shame.” I told them why and they didn’t really say much… just went back to talking about something else. They’d already known I was bisexual for a while, I’m pretty sure they thought it was a ‘phase’ and that I was ‘trying to be cool’. Their reaction upset me. I expected a little more acknowledgement – it wasn’t easy for me to reveal this to them.
I had been home visiting them to attend my cousin’s birthday. We all went (mum, dad, younger sister and myself). I was drinking and danced with a pretty blonde girl. My parents glared at me and said I didn’t need to be ‘so inappropriate’. This made me angry so I drank more. I ended up very drunk and they wouldn’t let me carrying on partying with the rest of the group.
We argued all the way home the next day. They shouted and screamed at me. Later that night, I was in another room and heard them talking.
Dad: “What was Aurora’s problem? I have no idea why she was behaving like that.
Mum: “I don’t know. It’s probably because her sister looked better than she did.”
I came out and lost it. They didn’t know me at all.
Aside from the family issues, why would you want to stay in a place that has moisture issues? That will lead to mold, which will be bad for your health. If you’re going to stay there, you must demand that the landlord take care of that. That’s unacceptable and against the law. Take the initiative.
You need to create some healthy distance between you and your sister.