How should I deal with a friend that is always hot and cold?

2 comments

1. Sounds like you have vastly different communication styles. Also, her ego is likely larger than yours, and perhaps she has less empathy than you. She seems to enjoy hanging out with you and meeting up, and there’s no reason to believe she is not genuine. It also seems she likes surface small talk mainly, while you may enjoy going deeper on topics and about yourself or her.

   I don’t see why you guys can’t be friends forever as long as you accept her communication style. I don’t necessarily see it as switching cold and hot, but this communication style does have the perception as being hot then cold to someone with your communication needs. I would accept that you may not have a deeper than surface conversations with her and that the conversations would be more centered around her, and adjust the expectations so you are not disappointed over and over again. There are plenty of people who are solid girlfriends for life and, from the outside, all conversations are almost entirely one-sided, with breaks in communication over time.

   One suggestion is keeping conversations light, talk more about yourself. I would suspect for someone like her, if she doesn’t respond to every comment about yourself, no big deal. Likewise, don’t feel pressured to address her every comment about herself. Sometimes, with this communication style, the most important part is that you or her said something about you or herself and it out there, has been voiced, heard, and that’s all that matters. Do make sure to remember what she said. If she wants more of your input she’ll likely just ask 🙂 Likewise, if you want her to pitch in on your situation or how you feel, ask directly.

2. I’ll propose a theory that may not apply to you exactly, so use your judgement here:

   Some people like having supporters. They think you exist as a background character to their life.

   Back when I was super shy and gullible, I attracted a lot of these people. I came from a household that saw my preferences in anything as a personal attack against them, so when I could I went in the opposite direction and tried to mimic endless positivity. Do what you will regret least, but you should eventually expect some hurt to go your way: there are those who can take a compliment with grace, and those who take your compliment and think their lack of reciprocation means you “understand” they’re better than you.

   If she brings you joy, then give whatever you’re willing, though know she will be unreliable. You can tell her how the inconsiderate acts make you feel unappreciated, I’m not sure how that would go over though.

   I think that I would just put the ball in her court. If she cancelled the last meet-up, let her plan the next one. Or maybe arrange a general outing with friends with open invitation, if she doesn’t come then you have something else to do.

   My heart goes out to you, best of luck and feel free to dm