He is considering their offer. He is an immigrant and could really do with the stability of a house.
But I don’t want to live separately. I want us to get a house together eventually, even if I am not exactly ready right now. We currently rent together, so he would basically have to move out. It would take him years to pay off his mortgage if he took their offer so he couldn’t move in soon with me when I become ready.
I am very hurt by him considering this. If it was me I would have told my parents fair and square that it’s either both of us or none of us.
Tl;dr
Bf is considering their offer and I am devastated by it.
Edit: since everyone is going to tell me that he is right because we’re just bf/gf, he doesn’t ever want to get married apparently, and “it’s just a piece of paper”, but he promised he would be committed to me in every other way, so we’ve been acting like a married couple.
Well it seems that it’s actually more about commitment and love to me on his part, than the fact that he hates the institution of marriage.
Not wanting to get a house together is proof of that.
People are also focusing on the fact that “I am not ready to buy”, when the thing is even if I was, he doesn’t want to, because he wants to own the house fully so he doesn’t have to sell it or lose the mortgage if we split.
8 comments
Is it not an option for you to live with him while you are not ready and once you are ready buy in to the house?
I’m sorry, I don’t understand – is their condition not only that he’s the sole owner, but also that you’re not allowed to even *live* in the house?
Because it seems like the obvious solution is for you to move into whatever house he ends up buying. And then, if you ever get married and are ready to buy a house together, you can sell the one he owns and put that money towards the jointly owned house.
You need to clarify: do they only care about him owning it (and don’t care if you live there with him), or do they not want you to live there regardless of ownership? If you currently rent together, I assume they dont care if you live together, so I’m thinking it’s the first one? If so, I totally agree that it should just be him owning it. There is no reason you should be listed on the deed or anything like that. If it’s the second option, then yeah that’s a little a ridiculous on their part since you already live together
He SHOULD be the sole owner. Co-owning property with someone you’re not married to is a legal mess and always always always a bad idea.
He can sell the house to buy a property together when you’re married.
It’s not reasonable to expect his parents to give you equity in a house they’re buying for their son. No, he shouldn’t ask them to do that.
It seems entirely reasonable to accept their very generous offer and live together in the house he will own. When you are financially stable enough to own a home too, you two can either refinance and adjust the mortgage and title to include you both, or sell the house and buy a new one together. He doesn’t have to have paid off the mortgage in order for you to do either of those things at that time.
You guys are just bf/gf- seems smarter if only his name is on the house based on what you’re telling us.
You can get a legal document that shows the percentage of the house each of you own.
For example if the house is $100k and boyfriend parents put a $60K down payment. You put down $0 but pay 1/2 the mortgage.
Boyfriend owns 80% of the home. $60K down payment + $20K for the mortgage.
You own 20% of the home based on the $20K you will pay to the mortgage.
In this way if you two separate you know the exact % of the property you will receive. So if the home appreciates to $600K you’ll receive $120K from the increased equity.
Propose this to your partner and tell him to propose it to his parents.
Or
You move in and only pay 1/2 the utilities, and necessities (food, toilet paper, etc). You take this savings in rent and put a down payment on an investment property which you can then use to find your maternity leave when that time comes in your life and if you two separate your not struggling to find a place to live in an inflated market.
Good luck, I hope you two can work it out.
I bought a house by myself (because of visa things, not a similar reason to you) and my partner has lived with me from day 1. For now, I am the sole person on the mortgage and title but that will change when we can put my partner on.
Until then, we have an agreement about the money he contributes to the mortgage (e.g. that he’d get some back – I’d buy him out – not all of what he contributed, because that would be like him getting free rent for the whole period, but enough that it isn’t like I am using him for free to pay off my mortgage). We haven’t formalised this by contract bc I know I wouldn’t screw him over and that’s expensive, but if it were the other way around I’d probably want it in some sort of formal agreement through a lawyer so it was binding. This has worked for us for around 3 years and as soon as we can refinance we’ll be putting his name on things.
Is there a reason you can’t do something like that? That way, any money you both would be spending on rent goes towards a mortgage and increases your financial security as it’s increasing equity in the house, you can save to buy a place together, and when you are ready either go onto the title/mortgage at that place or purchase another place together. It would effectively be the same as if you both applied together for a new place when you purchased one together.
Obviously there’s some things that need to happen for this to work – he needs to either stand up to his parents and/or be comfortable going against their wishes in the future if they disagree, he needs to be on the title (and not share ownership with his parents), etc.
I do get from their perspective why they aren’t just gifting a deposit (or whatever they are gifting) to both of you, given he’s their son, you’re not married and both very young. It wouldn’t make sense for them to help you as a couple purchase the house if you aren’t committed life partners already. However, the issue here is if they are trying to set him up and not have you included regardless of your relationship/contribution on a long term basis. If the idea is that you can never live there, or that you’d have to rent off your boyfriend forever and have no equity, that’s not going to work. You need to make sure you don’t end up in a position where you are effectively prevented from having any sort of financial or housing security if you do have a life together and then split. And he as your partner needs to understand that and not let it happen if that looks like it’s what his parents are suggesting.