Husband (33M) thinks I (30F) am shallow for wanting to get my hair done

33 comments

1. The answer is “I like it. You don’t need to understand. You need to stop acting like an ass.”

2. > He wants an answer I can’t give him.

   Flip the table.

   “Why is it a waste of money?”
   “Why is it shallow?”
   “Why didn’t you call it shallow for the years before we got married when i did it constantly?”

   Put the onus on him to explain himself.

3. This isn’t about your hair. For the record, you are free to whatever you want with your hair, it’s not shallow to be groomed.

   I am way more focused on the fact that he is badgering you to explain something that is totally normal to do. He is insulting you by basically calling you crazy and trying to control how you spend your money.

   What else is going on? Is he freaking out about the baby or is stressed from the lack of sleep? Are your family finances not as good as you think they are? Has he always insulted you for routine things? Has he always refused to accept your answers?

4. Hey! This is definitely super annoying. It is VERY normal to get your hair done, and in general it’s very normal for people to treat themselves to things that make them look and feel good in the moment. So yeah, he’s being weird!

   Was this a silly one-time fight where maybe you and he were just not clicking and he was doubling down on something that he didn’t even really think through? This can definitely happen in a long relationship – just people needling their partner.

   Or has this become a big issue? Are there other times when you’re feeling seen/misunderstood?

   We can’t answer that for you, but if it is the latter, then maybe there are more layers to his weirdness on this. Maybe it has more to do with his own body image, or financial worries he has (even though it sounds like you’re doing okay!) or even feelings about your relationship and fears about it.

   Either way, if it’s bothering you, you are well within your right to tell him how he made you feel. You can say something like “When you put me down about my hair appointment, it made me feel really judged. I also felt really unheard when you wouldn’t acknowledge my reasons for wanting this. And I’m very confused because this is not something that was ever an issue in the past. Is there something else going on?” Something like that. Focus on your feelings and give him a chance to share his.

   Hope this helps and enjoy your new do!

5. Your husband is an ass you can tell him I said so.

6. Does he tend to find fault with you in other ways? Does he try to control your behavior?

   What’s he been like since the baby was born?

7. Are there other areas where you want to spend money on yourself, and he tells you, you don’t need that?

8. >He wants an answer I can’t give him.

   You already gave him a perfectly reasonable answer. If he doesn’t want to accept it, that’s his problem. Tell him “I’m tired of discussing this” whenever he nags you about it and then refuse to engage.

9. He’s gaslighting you and basically doesn’t want you to do something that makes you feel good because he’s secretly afraid that you’ll be appealing to other men. This behavior needs to be addressed immediately. Go to marriage counseling if necessary to get to the bottom of this and I’m sure other behaviors.

10. Does he have a bit of a Madonna/wh*re complex? Like because you’re a mom now, you’re not supposed to do anything he considers in the realm of being a sexual being?

11. To me, the accusation of “needing psychological help” and “being shallow” is at least equally as concerning as disagreeing about your hair.

    I would address the two separately.
    – You can tell him that you will listen and consider to concerns he has about your hair, because according to another comment, the crux of that issue seems to be how much money it costs. I should emphasize that listening and considering doesn’t mean that you will do exactly what he wants you to do. And to totally avoid this kind of conflict in future, you two should agree on a budget that includes provisions for each of you to spend a reasonable amount on personal care. (And one that takes into account that women’s services are considerably more expensive than men’s.)
    – You should draw a line around the ways you’re allowed to disagree with each other. I don’t know why he would expect an “answer” to what is essentially name-calling, and which should be out of bounds in a healthy relationship. There’s nothing you can say to “you need help/you’re shallow” except, “I’m not going to let you talk to me that way.”

12. Sounds kinda abusive to me. Just because he doesn’t feel about it the way you do, doesn’t make it shallow or unnecessary. Him saying you need psychological help is even more alarming.

    He is not only invalidating your feelings but actually insulting you as a person by calling you shallow, just because you want to get your hair done.

    I hope he was just moody and this isn’t something that occurs in other aspects, too.

    Wish you the best!

    Edit:

    Oh and questioning feelings further than to what they can be answered is abuse (at least in my experience and my view) as it forces you to question yourself in the unanswerable.

    You can only give so many reasons as to why you feel how you feel.

    All reasons are part of a big system of reference – your feelings. It’s utterly irrational and subjective.

    He seems to be projecting his feelings onto you and using them to invalidate how you feel by making it about how he feels.

    I hope this makes sense and is understandable as it is kinda abstract.

13. Ask him why it’s an issue. It’s something for you that will make you feel good or confident or pretty or maybe it’s just the scalp massage that you need for a second to just BE as a busy mom. And if he has “shallow” habits, ask him why they’re acceptable but this is deemed unnecessary.

    Honestly, many men don’t get it. Heck, women who don’t color their hair or cut it regularly or think it’s a relaxing time don’t get it. But sometimes, you just need time for you. Time to be pampered a bit or to feel good, especially with a baby. I’d probably ask him to please listen with an open mind and explain that this small thing is so helpful because you’re currently the food supply (via the “I’m the milk” way or the bottle-giver way) and you just want to feel human and like a woman instead of just a mom for a little bit. Maybe he’ll get it then?

14. Gurllll get your hair did.

15. Some men just cannot wrap their head around a person wanting to wear makeup or do their hair “just because they like it.” And in their mind there must be a reason (I want to attract a man, I want attention etc)

    But, dang it, we just want to do nice things for ourselves. Part of womanhood is makeup and hair dye and cute outfits. A lot of us grew up dressing up our Barbie’s, just because. And now that we are adults, with adult money, it’s fun to dress up ourselves.

    My gosh, it’s just hair, it’s temporary. It’s not like you are getting a face tattoo. Just explain that it’s something you, the mother of his children, want to do. Period. You should be able to, within reason, do whatever you want to bring yourself happiness.

16. I don’t really know what other answer you can give in this situation. People get haircuts and dye jobs because it is fun to change it up. It also makes them feel good about themselves. Those ARE the reasons. Unless you’re like in the army and forced to keep your hair a certain way, there’s really no other reason people get haircuts. Is he going to question why you buy dresses instead of just wearing a potato sack next?

17. Taking care of yourself isn’t shallow, it’s required to be a person and survive in a society. If I didn’t do shallow things such as take care of myself and my appearance I wouldn’t have the nice things in life I have like my job and relationship. It’s just how it goes. Your husband has no idea what he is talking about and he needs to shut it.

18. “Because I want to.” End of conversation. Get your hair done and then go grab brunch with a friend!

19. “Because it’s my hair and I can do what I want with it.” is the only explanation you owe anyone.

20. NTA. I typically keep my hair cropped short. Think buzzed on all sides and long on top. Also bleached. I haven’t had a haircut since Covid, then I got pregnant. My daughter is 18mo now. I’ve been dying to change my hair but it’s now down to my waist. Also with hormones and whatnot I now have wavy hair, so I started trying to play that up and kinda realized I like it. But I NEEDED to change it. I’ve dyed my hair most fantasy colors, except green and orange. I asked my husband which, he said of course purple, it’s his favorite color. I’ve been really wanting orange. So, I dyed it Paramore-Leeloo-Dallas-Multipass highlighter orange. I love it. I asked what he thought. His response: “It’s not for me, but it’s your hair and as long as you like it then that’s all that matters. I know you’ve been wanting to change it. “ He had the same response when I got a Medusa piercing. It’s not for him but if it makes me happy, that’s what’s important.

21. You do not need to explain why you want your hair done. It then becomes “an issue” and you have to find ways to justify it. We, humans, love beauty and beautifying stuff. We crave pretty things, jewelry, nice clothes, nice objects around us. We love and need beauty. Doing our hair is part of it. But when someone asks why you “need” it, it becomes a weird justification of having this instinct.

    We need beauty the same way we need to eat, and all the other instincts.

    So, the next issue, your husband is not accepting your answer.

    If you do not like peas, does he “not accept your answer”? If you like pink, or whatever color, does he “not accept your answer”? If you want to put on lipstick, does he “not accept your answer”?

    So, the question is: either he is controlling as people here have suggested; or he does not understand beauty is also part of life and that you are entitled to enjoy it and find it the way you want (seems also controlling tbh).

    Of course, both are unacceptable, as you are your own personal human, and you do not need to justify, giver reasons, or explain to anyone why you like or dislike anything.

    I wish you the very best, and I hope you love your new hairdo.

22. the real thing that needs to be addressed is where are you going that only costs $35 to dye hair?…i’m interested….

23. Where can you get color treating for $35?

    Asking for a friend

24. Sounds like a personal problem to me. I would seriously be questioning why he finds issue with you trying to do something nice for yourself. You just had his baby, he should be supporting you not tearing you down. Girl go about your day. Add on a mani/pedi, make it a full day of pampering.

25. He sounds like a jerk. I’m sorry you have to justify basic stuff.

26. Only $35 extra for coloring? That’s a crazy deal if true

27. It is ridiculous – I’d go to the extreme the other way. Oh you don’t want me to take care of myself? Are you that insecure? Do you need some help? Maybe you need to keep up on your appearance. You look depressed like you don’t care- maybe you need therapy. You don’t want to go to work looking homeless do you?

28. Is he controlling in other ways?

29. My opinion, he is trying to keep you down. He doesn’t want you to look good for other people. He doesn’t want you to feel good about yourself and get attention. He is insecure. He is becoming abusive. It’s not a fun place to be. If it continues, then you will start dressing to please him instead of yourself. You’ll feel guilty for dressing/looking outside of what he wants. He will give you shit for not dressing/looking like what he wants. You will get to a point where you will only dress like he wants because it’s just not worth the fight. You will lose “you”. I know what i laid out is a really slippery slope and extreme but it happens. Trust me. If i were you, I’d put my foot down now for boundaries.

30. He is controlling and abusive.

    That feeling you have of “this is so ridiculous, I can’t believe it is an issue” is how gaslighting starts. The disbelief. You even scoff at it. Confusion. Anger. It’s so maddening and frustrating when your partner tells you that your understanding of reality isn’t real.

    He says you are shallow for something so simple as a haircut and hair dye. That is not shallow. That is often considered normal maintenance on a person’s hair. It is personal care. He is the one rejecting reality.

    He claims it is a waste of money, but the cost you listed was very reasonable, and you can afford it. Dying your hair will bring you joy. How is THAT a waste of money? Has he ever bought a video game or other hobby item that costs what your haircut and dye job will cost? If so, then it is 100% reasonable to spend that much merely for the sake of being happy.

    You shouldn’t have to explain yourself to him. Everyone needs haircuts. You haven’t had one in almost a year. You’re well past due. All the haircuts you missed will pay for the additional cost of dying your hair.

    You’re allowed to do simple personal care tasks. The fact he threw a fit about it is a huge red flag for abuse. Abusers don’t want you to feel good about yourself. They want you always at home, feeling bad about yourself, never going out, so they can better control you.

    I would counter him and ask him if he wants you to feel good about yourself. Ask him if he wants you to be happy or sitting at home sad all day. Is he trying to control your personal appearance? Because that’s what it sounds like. Partners who really care about their spouses don’t tell them “they need serious help” when they do simple personal care tasks.

31. It’s odd how so many men switch up once they have a woman trapped with marriage and a kid…..

32. He sounds very insecure.

33. I spend 300-700 on my hair once a year 🤣 some men will never understand womens self care.