tdlr: my boyfriend is going to drop out of college if i break up with him, i feel like im fucking his life up and the pressure is making me unstable. stories, quotes, etc. are very much appreciated. i genuinely just dont know how im going to get through this.
im (19F) losing my mind.
i love my boyfriend (20M) so very dearly but hes proven that hes not going to be a good partner for me in the future (he has issues with manipulation, specifically around sex and my general bodily autonomy. hes coerced me into sex more times than i can count and gets upset with me that i wont have sex with him anymore. he gets upset when i masturbate. he gets upset when i nap without him. he gets upset when im not hungry when he is. he makes me feel extremely bad when i declare that i need alone time, and if i try to sneak away he just follows me and i get so irrationally angry at it anymore, these are issues that ive brought up that he has refused to fix for multiple years through 20+ times mentioning it. i feel like i gave too much wiggle room, but at the same time i feel bad because these really are our ONLY issues most of the time). he only came to college to live with me, which was incredible for him. he had dropped out of highschool and got his GED, and now he really enjoys his major and hes doing really well. i’d really hate to take that from him.
we’re going into our fourth semester (2nd semester in an apartment instead of dorms) and im just going crazy. i already tried to break up with him, but he literally dropped out (filed the paperwork and everything, we had to work to reverse it) so what the fuck was i supposed to do besides say sike. thats a lot of money and a lot of work hes just throwing away. he loves his major too and he only found it to be here. we’ve been together for 6 years (yes, since i was 13) and obviously a lot if work has been put into our relationship. we have two cats together that he loves and who love him, i feel extremely bad seperating them (he cant take the cats) i just feel like im fucking both of our entire lives up for little reason.
im under so much pressure. ive also made my situation a little worse by getting back together with him and waiting for another semesters payment to go by. im so stressed out. this is already stressful but i still have housework, my cats, classes, i already had PTSD before this, work, a crush for the first time in 4 years, a lot of health problems from all of it (heart problems + seizures). i know im going to wonder how i lived through this.
even though this is like half-vent, please advise me. i am so unbelievably stressed out. i’ll even take the answers that are tough to hear, as long as i havent heard them before (please no “hes not your responsibility” unless you have a new way for me to process it or a story of you living through something similar. i try so hard to prioritize myself but im clearly failing miserably. i need to talk to someone so bad im using AI programs. i cant use my campus resources because they’ll likely file a Title IX case against him and that would just stress me out more. im drowning.)
35 comments
Yeah he knows he is causing you distress by threatening to drop out. He is intentionally and willfully manipulating you.
Dump your rapist boyfriend. You aren’t ruining his life – you are saving yours.
If he doesn’t want legal action taken against him, he shouldn’t be doing things that will bring that result.
Read why does he do that. It’s about angry, controlling abusive men and why they like hurting their partners so much.
It’s not your decision if he drops out, it’s his. That’s a big guilt trip and it’s obviously working. You need to get out as soon as you can.
Its not that he’s “not your responsibility” he’s very clearly using dropping out to manipulate you into staying – you need a safety plan for your wellbeing to get away from this manipulative, abusive and frankly dangerous person.
I was beyond shocked to hear a series of serious abusive statements and you see that as the “only” problems.
Unfortunately abusers are so cunning at manipulation that their targets often don’t see how distorted their perspective has become – you can’t take anything away from him, he’s the only one who can do that – but I can guarantee that once study is over they’ll just be another manipulation tactic in place to keep you around anyway.
You are in an abusive relationship. Leave, Pronto.
He sounds like a manipulative asshole who’s trying to convince you you’re responsible for him destroying his own life. FALSE. He’s destroying his own life, abusing you, and trying to control you.
You’ve tried to do it softly, but he doesn’t respect your independence or agency.
You owe him NOTHING. Place charges, block him everywhere. Publicly out him for trying to control you. This isn’t your fault, but only you can save yourself here.
If he wants to drop out of college then let him. It’s not your job to be responsible for this abuser.
yeah no dump him. he’s getting in the way of his own life. don’t let him make you think you are responsible for anything he does because you aren’t and it’s his way of trying to force you down.
He is responsible for his choices, his dependency, and whatever mental health issues he has. HE is ruining YOUR life, not the other way around. You’re only 19, dont stay stuck to this deadweight
Stop rewarding his bad behaviour.
He’s doing it because you’re letting him do it. You’re not to blame for how he treats you but you are responsible for removing toxic people from your life.
Read what you’ve written here in your post as if you were reading someone else’s reddit post. You’ve had all sorts of health problems and he’s clearly trying to use his education against you so you stay with him. That’s not a healthy relationship at all.
Please, leave him and seek some help.
Read two sentences.
Fuck him. His life, his choice. You chase your path. No onee worth while will ever try to hold you back.
He’s not going to drop out. He’s just saying that to manipulate you. I would bet money that he will not drop out.
Would you ever, ever, EVER treat another person the way he treats you?
What would it take for you to be that way toward someone?
For me, it would take a total lack of respect.
Abuse isn’t always about somebody ” acting mean.”
Emotional manipulation is a common form of abuse – it’s insidious, and it works.
He gots upset if you don’t want to have sex with him. He gets upset if you want to masturbate. He gets upset when you take a nap. He gets upset if you’re not hungry. He doesn’t allow you to have time alone. He’s taking away your ability to make decisions that should be fully under your control and he’s also blaming you for decisions that are actually completely under his control (like whether or not he attends college).
This isn’t someone you should be around. This isn’t healthy. It sounds like you’ve been together for so long that you can’t imagine your life without him – but I promise you there is a better life without him in it.
Does your school have a counseling center? I would reach out to them ASAP.
Blackmail is uncool. When someone starts putting responsibility for their life on a partner and trying to make it impossible not to leave is exactly when you should leave them
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, as they say.
Well, he’s gonna have a hard life with that attitude. Would he possibly be a 3 year old?
I’d break up and if he follows through with his self destructive threat, at least you have a clear mind you won’t have to see him on campus.
In all honesty, have you ask yourself, why are you allowing him to dictate YOUR FUTURE! It doesn’t take a magic eight ball to see that the relationship is flaming shit show looking to end. And let’s say you stay, is this how he will manipulate you in every milestone?
His immaturity is causing you physical harm and in turn will reflect poorly on your own education.
I would block him asap. When someone tries to blackmail you, its time to run. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated. This won’t be the first or last. Learn to say no, do not give in.
>i cant use my campus resources because they’ll likely file a Title IX case against him and that would just stress me out more. im drowning.)
You can and should. That’s what the campus resources exist for.
You can’t say “yes” when you feel like “no” isn’t a choice, or like the consequences are worse than suffering through something you don’t want.
Would you ever use your own future to threaten another person? How little would you have to care about someone to do that to them? How little regard would you have for their happiness or their future for you to go that far? If you imagine it, does it feel like love?
The trap he’s laying for you is not clever. He’s relying on your good will to keep you tied to him. You need to choose to separate yourself.
A favorite quote of mine: “I wish I could tell you that it gets better, but it doesn’t. **You** get better.”
Run. Block him on everything. Tell your mutual friends not to act as messengers.
Why do you believe you have this much power over someone? Their actions?
Isn’t it completely unreasonable for you to believe that his future is based on your actions?
And if you believe this ( because it’s what he is saying) are you really mature enough to be in a relationship?
What if someone told you that you were responsible for the local jury to vote innocent or guilty based on if you we’re living with your boyfriend. Or not.
Or your skirt length controls his ability to wear his seatbelt?
Your 20’s are meant for making mistakes, learning from them, and then getting stronger to say no. Or yes based on your experiences.
This dude doesn’t deserve you. You know it. Your family probably knows it. And all you’ve got to do is trust yourself in order to save yourself. Do not let his ridiculousness seep over to you. Break it off and start living your life, like you should be living it. Strong and free.
>he has issues with manipulation
>
>hes coerced me into sex
>
>he gets upset when i nap without him
>
>he gets upset when im not hungry when he is
>
>he makes me feel extremely bad when i declare that i need alone time
See a pattern here?
>my boyfriend is going to drop out of college if i break up with him
This is just another thing. This will never stop. You need to leave and never look back. Yes, this is **not** your problem. You are only responsible for your own actions. If he wants to give up on life after you’re gone, that’s on him.
This is just another way to manipulate you, in a long line of attempts to manipulate you in the past. He will never stop.
Just leave him. Anything he chooses to do after that is his own damn fault. If he wants to fuck up his life, that’s his choice.
Well then I guess the grown man can make his own choice to drop out or not. You are not responsible for his future or choices, only yours.
After college he will threaten to kill himself if you don’t marry him. Then he will threaten to kill you if you don’t have his babies. Then he will threaten to kill everyone if you don’t grow old with him.
Girl bye
You are not responsible for his actions. You are too young to burden yourself with this. He needs to take responsibility for his own life. Move on without guilt.
First, him getting angry at you for not being hungry when he is is WILD. WOW. That’s a new one I haven’t heard before.
Second, you do realize he dropped out of college to manipulate you into getting back together with him right? You broke up with him, he immediately filed the papers to drop out and you got back together with him right away as he knew you would. He manipulated you and you didn’t hesitate to walk right into it.
You are in for a lifetime of this, a lifetime of the stress, if you don’t figure out a way to make it okay for you to walk away from him. He’s basically holding you hostage! He has successfully manipulated you into believing that you’re responsible for his life, his future, his choices. You’re not!
It won’t end once he graduates. Later on when he gets a job, he’ll tell you that he’ll quit his job if you leave him. He’ll lose his apartment if you move out, he’ll be homeless. YOU CAN’T LET HIM HOLD YOU HOSTAGE. It’s your whole life. You have to get away from him.
You are 19 years old. Really, seriously consider how long you could stand living your life this way. And why you feel you should.
Drop that dude like bad habit. If your boyfriend us in college because he’s dating you. He’s in the wrong place.
Call his bluff. You don’t need this kind of manipulation as young as you are and he needs to grow up. BIG TIME NTA.
Call his parents and let them know he is threatening to drop out. But don’t let that stop you from leaving. He’s very controlling and manipulative
Let him drop out. Why would HIS choices need to effect you so much? It’s totally unfair for him to treat you this way, and it is incredibly abusive. I am so sorry you are going through this, but he is not the right person for you and he is extremely unwell. You deserve to live your life without all of this pain and stress. You are the only person that can take care of you.
Oof, he’s abusing you, it’s in your best interest to end it.
This is ultimately about control for him, he wants to control when you have sex, when you eat, and what you do to your own body. This isn’t love, he’s a sad pathetic boy that needs to use you to feel better about himself.
You know that he’s not going to be a good partner for you, he’s actively hurting you and is going to continue to do so until you leave. If he threatens to quit college let him, let him fuck up his future, let him see the consequences of his actions. Let him fall for once. You are too young to have this anchor around your neck, cut him loose and focus on yourself.
You ALWAYS have to put yourself FIRST. it’s not selfish. It’s necessary. You dont want to hear “he’s not your responsibility” but it’s flat out true. You’re searching for the answers you want to hear. You already know the answer. Leave. You feel stuck but in all reality you have the full ability to walk away and you absolutely should! He’s controlling and manipulative and sounds like a pig in bed. You are so young the world is your oyster! There’s so much opportunity out there for you. You need to find self love and focus on yourself. You’ve been in a relationship for 6 years since you were 13. It’s most likely he is not the one you are supposed to be with for the rest of your life. Your first love is supposed to be a lesson in your life. Close that chapter and open a new one. Take what you learned from this relationship and use it in the future. I promise you it will be the best decision you’ll make in your life. I just broke up with my boyfriend recently bc he was controlling and manipulative as well. It was incredibly difficult to do. At the beginning my emotions were all over the place. I wanted to take him back. I felt alone, sad, depressed, guilty for leaving him. But after no contact and lots of self reflection I see so much that I didn’t before. Love is blind and love is certainly not enough to make a relationship work. You know what you need to do. So just do it already. Stop being his slave.
Let him drop out and move on with your life
This is abuse. His life is his to live, whatever happens when you leave is on him. If he wants to f up his life to manipulate you, let him. Do whatever you have to do to get out of this situation.