Me (39f) have been married to him ( 43 m) since the last 11 years . Have a daughter of 6 years too . Since the beginning we weren’t very compatible personalities . He is a deep introvert ( no friends ) and I am a moderate extrovert ( draw energy from others ) . Over the years , we have become more set in our patterns. He is a very kind human being and a good father . Takes care of things around and does chores without asking and doesn’t complaint . Watches out for us too .
The issue is that he is not emotionally available at all . He doesn’t talk to me . When I talk , he only listens . I feel like I am talking to a wall . I am an anxious person and my anxiety peaks when I have no one to share .
Sex life was never existent . He was never interested in sex so if I ask , I get , if I don’t , then I don’t get it . It’s an act of service for him and he doesn’t derive pleasure I think .
Other things like working on the relationship , planning to do stuff together is never his mind (never has planned anything forbus including a meal on birthdays )
He has trouble getting jobs too because he doesn’t put himself out there . Doesn’t tell me that he has lost a job till he runs out of money because he says I will stress out . In many ways , I have ended up becoming the bread winner of the family and he does the chores. He is big time in gaming too . I want to be ok with it , but I am such an anxious person that I don’t know how long will I be able to work. Also , while I call myself a feminist , I still have some gender roles in my mind which I can’t get rid of .
I do need to work on myself and actively take therapy . We went for a joint therapy once and I feel he felt very bad because of all the things I said I don’t get from him ( emotional availablity / sex / money etc ) . He just said I make him feel small .
I didn’t take the next appointment because it just seemed like making him feel bad.
I don’t really know if I am over expecting. My mother was in a similar relationship and I think I have taken this on from her .
Any men who can advise what’s going on in his mind . Does he even want to be married ?
Any women who have dealt with a relationship like this .
2 comments
Yeah, you need to return to joint therapy and continue to work on it… ASAP.
But you might quickly find out in therapy that he isn’t the emotionally unavailable one in the relationship.
I’m male, and an introvert, and married.
Introverts wake up in the morning with 5 coins, and every time they speak to someone, they lose a coin. Extroverts wake up in the morning with 0 coins, and every time they speak to someone, they gain a coin.
I would recommend that you read the book ‘Quiet’ by Susan Cain, if you haven’t, to help understand your husband’s mindset.
The video games are likely a problem. Although I would not say this to him if I was you, if I had to guess I would say it is in his long-term interests to stop playing them altogether. As with food or alcohol, for certain people, these things are ‘self-medicating’ and are dangerous.
It sounds like he loves you. Please do not insist that he talks to you about things. As an introvert, and as a man, it is upsetting to be constantly told things like this, because it feels completely unnatural, and feels like a way of you saying to him “You’re not good enough”. It’s probably rather like him telling you that you should lose some weight – not very nice. He was taciturn when you married him, and he will stay that way. If you want him to talk, or if you want him to do anything, it is your responsibility to make it a comfortable ‘safe space’ for him. Don’t tell him that you want him to talk, and then when he does, interrupt him. Don’t ‘correct’ him. He will be telling you things, perhaps not even with words, but he is communicating to you.
Men need to feel respected and appreciated by their spouse, at all times.
Good luck.