EDIT TO ADD: I totally want this to start off very slow and comfortable for both of us. We’ve always talked about a threesome or adding other partners and it’s definitely something we both want and have talked about boundaries, rules, etc. I guess I’m more asking how to start opening up to a threesome (not with my partner but to find someone to participate with). And genuinely wanting to learn and hear suggestions or other pieces of advice.
My husband and I are very open and great at communicating so it’s not like we have to work on that part of all of this. We want to open our relationship sexually (we have talked about being poly too and it’s something we want if we can make it work but we really want to communicate more on that and figure rules and how to make sure everyone is healthy and happy with it, etc.) We have both have had one partner, each other. I want to explore other people and I’m bi. We’ve talked so much about it but does it have to be me actually asking him if I can have sex with someone…almost like planned or does it just happen (if I have his consent), or do we start with a threesome first? It’s hella important to me that my husband is approving, feeling safe and trusted. I don’t want to ruin our relationship at all. I would absolutely allow him to explore if he wanted to too, but I’m much more vocal and willing to be more extroverted. There hasn’t ever been jealousy issues before this and there still isn’t every time we talk about it. I love my husband forever until we are cosmic dust and this isn’t like he doesn’t want to do any of this, I don’t know how to begin it or what to do. Like I said, I really want to communicate that he isn’t against this and I want to do it all properly. I also think it’s important to explore and learn more – I am all about coming back to him every single night. Just want to get thoughts on this, please. Thank you
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Hey make sure your making the right decision I’m not trying to judge you it’s just I’ve seen so many scenarios about open marriages and how they always ruin a marriage cause one of the partners ends up falling in love with the person they have sex with. Also make sure you let him know everything if I was in your situation and both of you really wanna do this I think a threesome would be the way to go. Don’t go have sex with someone then tell him after. Communication is key make sure he is 100% on board with this and the same goes with you.
Also please do not pressure him if he is uncomfortable with this topic or is having doubts then do not do it. If this is something you really want then I suggest getting separated. I’m not trying to be an asshole or make you upset it’s just like the amount of Reddit post on open marriage here and how they fuck up people marriages it’s just a mess in my opinion. If you really wanna explore your bi then I suggest a threesome.
Plan plan plan!! Set the boundaries, talk to people, find a good prospect, let them know exactly what you want out of a situation and keep your partner in the loop the whole time so that if anybody gets the jitters it can be talked about and addressed. The last thing you want is to have partner say it’s OK then you run off and find some rando idiot at a bar who has never been STI tested and let him buttfuck you in the back of a Toyota Tercel and you love it and come home and partner gets all freaked out because THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY and there are unanticipated feelings.
There’s some good advice in this thread, but understand this. You will have a very easy time finding partners. He, will have a very difficult time finding partners. Women are sus of ENM and Poly guys. And the married ones even more so. You may need to help him launch first before you start even looking.
I’d suggest books like “Opening Up” and “Polysecure” as a starting point as well.
The “nice” thing about a traditional marriage is that all these sorts of questions are “outsourced”. There is the tradition that says you do A, B, and C, and you have options regarding D, E, and F, and that X, Y, and Z are completely off the table.
The further you deviate from that, the more cognitive load you and your spouse must take on.
In this case you’ve talked about, and (it seems) decided to “open your marriage”. This is functionally rejecting most of the existing strictures of marriage, which means *you have to make up the rules*. There aren’t any pre-written ones to use.
So the next thing you really ought to do is figure out what that means to you. There are a variety of forms that this “open marriage”, or (depending on how it works) “Ethical non-monogamy can take, and the two of you have to work on that, depending on what you feel comfortable with.
You will have better luck getting advice from people who are experienced with ethical non-monogamy (hi) in subreddits like r/nonmonagamy and r/enm