The irony of life

I’ll try to be short. I (32y male) was in a relationship for 10 years. Broke up 2-3 months ago. Break up was hard, but I’m getting through it.

Went on hinge, a girl contacted me. I thought, why not meet her to get experience and think of something else.
First date went well. She contacted me right after and was very interesting in hanging out more.
I panicked, I just wanted to meet someone and get distracted really. I knew it was too early to be intimate with someone else.
I told her about my break up and that I wasn’t ready for more. She completely understood me. When she gave me space, something flipped. I really wanted to meet her again. She was super awesome, funny, nice and pretty.

I went to her place. We just talked. And I felt feelings I haven’t felt in 10 years. The first attraction/spark to someone else. It was nice.
But I kinda waved a big ass red flag in her face, so she was reluctant to meet me again.

After some days, I just asked her to another date, she accepted. We ate at a italian pizza place, we talked a lot and had fun. Went to play shuffle board, she suddenly started flirting a lot (subtle things like “oops my hand landed on you” things). I flirted back. It felt amazing. I haven’t flirted in years, I didn’t know I had it in me.

The whole date was pretty romantic and fun. Then she asked me about where I’m at regarding my ex. I said I’m kinda over it, but still I have to truly find myself, because I haven’t been alone for a long time.

Then we continued having fun. She opened to me about some personal stuff. We continued to flirt.

Time to say goodbye, I walked her to the bus stop. The bus arrived exactly when we got there. She hugged me in a hurry and said she had to catch it, and tried to walk away from me. I “hooked” her with my arm on her hips (it was already there after the hug). Pushed her into my body, face was 2 cm away from each other. And I let her make the decision to kiss me or not. She did. It was a lingering and insanely good kiss. And she left.

She sent me a text after and said she had a great time and enjoyed the end.

I am really into her. And at the same time, I felt I had to break things off, because I can’t go straight back into a relationship after 10 years. But I just wanted to see her one more time… (Like the chocolate you know you have in the kitchen. Its not good for you, you have to stop. But you just want one more bite). Also, I can’t let external validation and “distraction” get in the way of my self development.

Day after, she sent me a text explaining that since I’m not on the same page as her in dating, we have to break things off. But she doesn’t rule out in the future when I’m in a better place, that we can see each other again.

Perfect right?
I knew we couldn’t continue to date.
I discovered that other women find me attractive.
I discovered that I can flirt and kiss someone with confidence.
The whole experience made me get over my ex a lot more.

Everything is perfect right?
Weeeell, now I kinda feel rejected (even if she didn’t reject me, just my situation). I just want to see her one more time. The flirting and especially that kiss made me so damn hung up on her.
Guess that says a lot about my situation. I think it has something to do with not wanting to be alone. Wanting what you can’t have? Easy to get too attached when you have a big ass wound in your heart?

Logically this was the perfect “rebound” experience. I learned a lot about myself. And the end result is actually perfect.
But the emotions isn’t always logical. I keep thinking of her and want to see her again.

Long post, written mainly to reflect on my own emotions.