Hello! I lucked into a relationship where the man I am dating prioritizes my pleasure in our sex life. Looking back at our early dates and conversations, there were no signs that indicate to me that this was a priority for him.
If I’m grasping at straws, he exhibited positive behavior such as engaging in active listening, polite and respectful touching, and asked questions about me. However, I have been on the receiving end of these behaviors before, and it did not necessarily yield a mutually beneficial sexual encounter.
I’m curious if there are any questions or signs that my fellow people who date men use to tease out whether or not they care about female/AFAB orgasms. Any suggestions?
32 comments
I’ve had very, very few experiences where the person I was with wasn’t invested in my orgasm. Including casual arrangements I have had.
I guess some green flags for those who were the best sexual partners were the ones who had high emotional intelligence, empathy, and self-awareness. Bonus points to those who were generally interested in trying to understand how my mind worked.
The only one who didn’t really seem to care/try was the sweet but sexually/romantically inexperienced and insecure man I recently dated. He’s admitted himself that he’s not great at thinking about how his actions effect others and can be oblivious, so I guess those were the warning signs?
Interesting because that is all I care about. If she’s not having a good experience I will just stop all together because it really affects me. I’ve had girls accuse me of making this up but no it’s true… I really like foreplay… perhaps that is a good indicator? But men don’t really care if you ask them those types of questions lol. Just ask them point blank lol. If I asked a girl something like that I feel like she would run for the hills but any questions about sex for a guy is a big turn on. Hopefully he’s honest about it though.
I don’t know if there are early green flags necessarily. I (35M) am dating a 34F and I generally care more about her physical pleasure than my own. She orgasmed from oral for the first time ever and another time she “squirted” and didn’t realize how much until the next morning. One other time I just couldn’t finish the job and she grabbed a toy and finished in 30 seconds while I continued to tease her physically. But we communicate very well both in the relationship and in the bedroom. I personally wish more women were comfortable communicating what they wanted or needed in the moment to get them there. It takes time to learn each other’s styles and what makes them orgasm. So with some open communication I think more men would try/care about mutually beneficial sex.
Yeah Ive learned you can’t know till the deed is done. So many men will surprise me on the disappointing end. That’s why I have sex right away if I have any interest in the guy upon meeting. Then I don’t waste time and feelings on the losers.
I’ve never hooked up with a guy who doesn’t care about mutually beneficial sex. If anything they care way more about the female O then their own
General respect, strong communication, lack of selfishness, views women as equals, and genuine interest in dating you vice something casual.
I’m a guy, I’ve almost always prioritized the woman’s pleasure over my own. Don’t get me wrong I also would like to get off but I want it to be a mutually pleasurable experience.
I’d say that as a whole women could do a better job of telling men what they want and how they want it early on/when things start getting physical. If you know what you like help your partner discover that, don’t just hope they do that thing you like. And if they don’t listen/ignore it well, that tells you something as well.
I used to make some spicy convos with the guy, and in the middle of that I add some questions about his thoughts and my pleassure, I try to point it out that this part its important for me, just being explicit, if he can handle that I will be interested
I don’t think you will actually know before you have sex with him. But my experience is if he is thoughtful, kind and shows empathy for you it also translates into the bedroom.
But you truly won’t know 🙂
I mean if he has all of the qualities you listed why question it further? Instead to me this sounds like anxiety, the same anxiety that will surface during the actual act.
Him knowing how to please a woman isn’t going to be worth much at all if you’re already overthinking it.
As a 30 plus inexperienced guy, how can one offer a mutually beneficial sex that prioritizes women’s needs without completely ruining it due to the first time nervousness.
No.. 99% of men care about their partner’s needs and want them to enjoy sex and feel accomplished when the woman gets off. The other 1% are just selfish.
35F that dates men.
I think the key is to find someone who is curious and generous in their everyday behavior. Is he offering to give you a massage after a long day? Or is helping out with the dishes if you’re staying at your place?
Guys who have been good in bed have often been very caring and helpful in general. They won’t just sit on the couch watching me cook for them, they will get up and help out. They will ask what I like and show that they genuinely wanna make me happy. I think the behavior translates well in the bedroom and is very much appreciated!
As a man, I can tell you that first of all, men aren’t psychic. Every woman is different, and every woman may enjoy different things. Also, men are simple beings. So most of the time, subtle hints don’t work well. Unless they have -a lot of- experience. Best thing to do is to be blunt and clear. If he’s licking up and down, but your thing is left to right, don’t hesitate to just grab his head and move it the way you want. If he can’t find your clit (it happens, you know it), just point it out.
That being said, men displaying traits like good listening, being polite (and respectful), and having empathy, usually mean they will find their partner’s pleasure at least as important as their own. If not more important.
But again, even these men aren’t psychic so a little help from their partners is just in everybody’s interest.
Slight tangent but I sometimes have the opposite problem. My sexuality is a bit complex and I don’t like receiving oral and I’m not super orgasmic. And some guys can’t deal with that because they a) fetishise my orgasm as some proof that they are ~giving and b) lack the imagination to go off their ‘I’m a great guy because I just lurve eating pussy’ script
So people who can’t do anything except talk about my ~pleasure can be super boring to me.
Nope.
You just have to pray he put that “expierence” he built up to good use.
But assume he won’t.
My experience of partners has mostly been that they care very much about me having orgasms during sex, however I think this is linked to emotional intelligence and self awareness. Also good communication, I am not shy about expressing what I like / don’t like, what I want to try, etc so I think it also motivates them.
1. Theoretically caring about it doesn’t necessarily translate to actually being good in bed.
2. I find a very strong correlation between good kissing and being good in bed. I don’t like sloppy, eating your face kind of kissing.
3. If you aren’t in the mood to actually have sex and he alludes to you sucking him off or something, red flag. If he negotiates in any way besides just pulling back like you asked (tries to 69 instead, or get your pants off), red flag.
4. Overall generosity has a positive correlation to being good in bed for me. The guys that don’t make a big deal of first dates being drinks or park walks.
Usually a man’s interest i giving a woman pleasure for her sake, depends a lot on if she is interested in giving him pleasure for his sake. Mutual interest makes sex great.
It’s heartening to read the comments about women’s positive experiences with having sex. Very often I hear about negative experiences of women not having fun with their sexual partners. I wonder if it’s just that it’s the negative experiences people tend to talk about so they’re more vocal but not necessarily more prominent.
Everyone’s attracted to confidence apparently, but this is one area where a bit of insecurity can be good.
I’m a guy who’s obsessed with a woman’s pleasure, and a lot of it stems from insecurity…I’m a people pleaser who desperately wants to be desired. And it really shows in the bedroom. My last girlfriend had 4 orgasms to every 1 of mine.
So maybe pay some extra attention to shy, sensitive type of guys. And listening is always important.
Couple of trends I’ve noticed:
– Do I feel seen/heard/understood around him?
– Is he generous and considerate on dates?
– Is he genuinely into me and pursuing a relationship with me?
– Is he reasonably confident and experienced sexually?
IME a “no” to any of those questions means my pleasure won’t be prioritized.
As others have said, I think the biggest indicators are engaging on an emotional and intellectual level as well as displaying signs of empathy. Asking questions about you, yourself isn’t enough because that’s a practice even the most selfish guy has learned they need to master. Genuine empathy is when you can tell they are asking about you because they genuinely care and want to know everything about you.
Best of luck with this one, and hello fellow PNW 😊
I always prioritize my partner in my sex life and get off afterwards and because of it. Lately things have been quiet for me and I don’t really know what signs I would exhibit to lead women to believe I would treat them well.🤷♂️ I am polite, positive, confident mid 30’s male. I watched and listened to sex positive content growing up and I think that probably has the most to do with my mindset.
Learn quickly, and it comes naturally, I promise..
I don’t really get/understand this post…
OP is saying the guy she is dating cares about her orgasm- so what else is the question here?
Just ask: do you think you can please me? How? 😁
Hi! I think people made good points about the intellectual and emotional capacity. I will say, I’ve had one partner with a beautiful intellectual and emotional capacity before who seemed sorta-hm, just not quite “with it” in bed.
I struggled with this for a long time-feeling like, gosh so many things are good but my pleasure doesn’t feel like a priority.
I realized that my emotional capacity had room for growth and that this issue was so much more complicated than I could have imagined.
A few things that helped-listening to sex positive podcasts like “sex with Emily” and discussing.
Saying things like, “hey! I noticed when we have sex, it feels like it ends after you orgasm. I’m curious if you feel like you have a good sense of what my body needs to get there too.” If he’s receptive to this and totally open, he hopefully will work WITH you to learn you and your body in time.
I have some compassion that NO ONE taught us to navigate these things. The average session for penetrative sex lasts 2-3 minutes for Hetero/cis couples.
If he’s a really enthusiastic learner and seems excited by this conversation, check out [VannessandXander](https://vmtherapy.com/about) on social media. Their philosophy is that everyone who wants an orgasm gets to have one.
Their guides get rave reviews.
Hope this helps. I think this is one of those issues that takes immense bravery to navigate but how you both navigate it will give you a TON of data.
Um… ask him? This is such a weird question. Signs that he cares about giving orgasms?
I have found that size does matter. Generally the more endowed they are, the less finesse they use. I have had the best sex with guys who would medically qualify as being micro and just above. I didn’t even really know what I liked prior to that and found sex to be rather dull and more of a chore bc so many had just did a few pumps and were done. Now I feel like I’m kind of ruined bc I’m constantly striving to find that “blackout O” again 😂 but I also need a strong connection with whoever I am sleeping with so things like a one-off don’t really work for me.
Hmmm I don’t think you can tell until you give it a go really
You could just ask. If they’re a guy who cares, there will be no hesitation.
And if he’s weirded out by the question, that means he’s not into.
Edit: a green flag I have not seen mentioned are that he’s comfortable talking about boundaries and consent.
Source: 35m and I would not mind being asked this.