So in a couple weeks I am heading home to see my extended family members. I made plans to go visit by myself, but then when I was telling my girlfriend (of five months) about my plans, she asked to come along. I told her that I am there to see my family. To only focus on my extended family. Almost immediately she was placing demands on what to do, where to stay and how many events I could attend. Unfortunately, I should have said something at the time, but she immediately booked her flight.
So this is what really bothered me and still does. I don’t mind having a tag along, but Every time I think about this, I just shake my head. But this recent dictate, has me at a loss.
My nephew plays on his high school football team that is playing on Friday night. My alma mater is playing on Saturday afternoon. She outright said that I had to chose one because she doesn’t want to spend her time in the stands during her vacation.
Flabbergasted, I just looked at her.
I am at a loss on what to do and what to say to her. Look, I am not at all afraid of confrontation or hard conversations, but like I’ve already said, am at a loss.
If I have a conversation now, I’m an asshole. Later, an asshole.
Tldr:taking a family trip, gf asked to come along. Now dictating what I can/can’t do.
35 comments
Dump her. The audacity.
>Look, I am not at all afraid of confrontation or hard conversations, but like I’ve already said, am at a loss.
Yes you are. If you have a good lifelong family connection, then partners need to play ball. Family is important
You’re being soft and you know it
You absolutely should not be missing out on good family time for a girlfriend of 5 months. If anything she’s showing you some red flags at this point. I’d tell her that she is still invited but this trip is purely about spending family time, she can come and enjoy the things you planned to do or she can refund her ticket.
>My nephew plays on his high school football team that is playing on Friday night. My alma mater is playing on Saturday afternoon. She outright said that I had to chose one because she doesn’t want to spend her time in the stands during her vacation.
“Oh, you don’t have to come to either game, let alone both – you are welcome to do your own thing, and we’ll connect later.”
Tell her to stay home and you’ll call her when you get home… maybe.
Do what you want to do if she doesn’t like it she can do something else on her own
*”So in a couple weeks I am heading home to see my extended family members. I made plans to go visit by myself, but then when I was telling my girlfriend (of five months) about my plans, she asked to come along. I told her that I am there to see my family. To only focus on my extended family. Almost immediately she was placing demands on what to do, where to stay and how many events I could attend. Unfortunately, I should have said something at the time, but she immediately booked her flight.”*
What I’m getting from this is that she’s not only narcissistic, but very controlling as well. You’ve only been dating for 5 months and she thinks that she can control you like you’re a remote controlled car. She even invited herself to go on your trip without ensuring that it was ok for her to do so. (Who does that, by the way?) It shows a real lack of maturity and a blatant disregard for your thoughts and feelings as well. I have a feeling that her lack of respect for you is going to come back and bite her in the butt when she least expects it.
*”My nephew plays on his high school football team that is playing on Friday night. My alma mater is playing on Saturday afternoon. She outright said that I had to chose one because she doesn’t want to spend her time in the stands during her vacation.”*
That’s when you should tell her that she should have stayed at home if she didn’t want to go to your family’s events. You told her point-blank that you were going back to visit your family and spend time with them. You don’t have to choose a damn thing because they are YOUR family and this is YOUR vacation. She doesn’t get to dictate to you when and where you can visit. She’s a guest here. If she doesn’t like the way that you’re spending your vacation (that she wasn’t invited to in the first place), she can head home. Her entitled attitude sure isn’t going to endear her to your family. I can guarantee you that.
*”I am at a loss on what to do and what to say to her. Look, I am not at all afraid of confrontation or hard conversations, but like I’ve already said, am at a loss.”*
Simply tell her what you’ve told us. You aren’t going to sacrifice time with your family just to please her. The ENTIRE point of this vacation was to spend time with your loved ones and if she wants to continue being one of them, she needs to grow up and act like an adult. If she wants to continue to pout and treat you like a puppet that she can attempt to manipulate, she can stay in the hotel or go home. Don’t sacrifice your time with your family and/or your happiness just to placate her. It won’t be worth it.
*”If I have a conversation now, I’m an asshole. Later, an asshole.”*
To her you might come off that way, but to everyone else, she already has. She’s a huge AH who has control problems and she needs to figure out a way to deal with them before she drives everyone in her life, out of her life. And if she attempts to call you an AH for standing up for yourself, simply say, “It takes one to know one.” Childish and simple, I know, but it gets the point across.
Again, DON’T sacrifice your time with your family for this woman. She insisted that she go with you just so she doesn’t lose her illusion of control over you. Don’t give her that satisfaction. Because if you do, you’ll prove her right. That she really DOES have power over you and that you’re unwilling to stand up to her just to avoid conflict. If she wants to start behaving herself and act like an adult, then great. If not, don’t let the door hit you where the good Lord split you.
Best of luck, OP. 🙂
You made it clear this was a trip to see your family that she has tagged onto. Man up and tell her you are going to both football matches and she can go shopping on the saturday afternoon . Do not change your plans and emphasise if she is going to be a drama queen she can stay home because you are not playing this game.
You need to get rid of the controller
This is a gf of 5 months! This is ridiculous. Look I’m 57 and when you get to this point in your life yes you want companionship, affection and love in your life. That doesn’t mean they get to dictate your life and suffocate you!
You need to sit her down and just tell her that while you value her she can’t dictate your relationship with your family and how you spend time with them. This is a trip for you to spend time with your family. It was totally inappropriate for her to invite herself along at this stage in your relationship. Then to tell you that you have to miss things with them because it’s not what she wants, then she shouldn’t go. You need to tell her that. Your not changing your itinerary or plans for her. She doesn’t want to do it, then stay home, you didn’t invite her. She’s intruding on your time with your family.
This behavior is way too controlling and for this to be happening at 5 months old is a huge red flag.
Nothing says she has to spend her time in the stands during her vacation.
But that’s we’re YOU’LL be, and if she’d like to go someplace else, you hope she has a good time.
Now that the kids are older, when my wife and I go on vacation, there are three vacations in one. There is MY vacation, HER vacation and OUR vacation.
SHE might go to the spa. I might go to a ball game. WE will go to dinner together.
You’re not co-joined twins. You’re not even married. You’re adults capable of navigating to where you want to be.
At 55?
Oh hell naw she can’t be this ridiculous especially after only a few months
This would be a gigantic giga red flag for me
You’re 53 man. You should have just said, I’m going to see family and don’t want to be distracted by a new gf.
It’s only been a few months and she doesn’t seem to respect you. Better to put your foot down now as opposed to letting her ruin your trip.
This wasn’t even a trip you were taking with her she invited herself along. Tell her if she comes then you’re still doing what you planned to do if she doesn’t like it then she can stay at the hotel by yourself and do whatever. But you’re going out and doing activities with your family if she wants to come along fine but if she complains you’re going to put her in an Uber and send her back to the hotel and you’re going to stay there. You really should have put your foot down immediately and said no I’m going alone maybe another time you can go with me. But she’s being extremely demanding/controlling for only dating you for 5 months. She’s showing you who she is, demanding and high maintenance. Think about that.
You didn’t invite her on a vacation! She can do whatever she wants but you’re doing whatever you want and that is non-negotiable! Tell her that. Or tell her that you have no intention of missing any events that are happening during the vacation and if she’s going to say even one word about it that she can just stay home.
I mean seriously try to get her to stay home… Lol
This is a huge red flag. TBH, I’d consider cancelling her flight and let the chips fall where they may.
>If I have a conversation now, I’m an asshole. Later, an asshole.
Nope. If you have a conversation now, you nip her trying to alter your vacation (that she invited herself to) in the bud or she stays home.
You have a conversation later, you are angry & resentful and it’s over.
Which would you rather have?
Tell her flat out. This is YOUR vacation, not hers. You never asked her to come and invited herself, and you are gonna do what you wanna do, including going to both games.
Y’all are in your 50s, and she’s acting like she is 15. You aren’t the asshole. No matter what you say, she is by trying to control your life. Don’t let her!! Or then you’re an asshole to yourself
.
Just be the asshole, and have the conversation now. 5 months in and she’s acting like this. Nah, you are a grown ass man. Cut your loss and tell her goodbye!
Tell her she was never invited on this trip and has 0 choice in YOUR activities. She can find her own things to do, or even better, travel elsewhere.
Aren’t you too old for this nonsense? Grow a spine and tell her what you are doing and none of it is up to her. This is your family vacation. I’d book myself a separate hotel room and enjoy myself.
If you’re going to be an AH sooner or later, might as well do it sooner. She has no right to dictate your vc plans.
Straight up tell her that you are going to both games. Period.
If she doesn’t want to go, fine. Then she is on her own during those time.
If she doesn’t like it, then tough and not to come.
Direct and straight to the point.
When she starts to argue with her just say – this is not up for discussion. And just keep repeating that until she shuts up!!!
God people making demands like that drive me fn crazy. Especially when she invited herself!!!
Seems like you’re not great at conversation. Explain to her this isn’t her vacation. It’s your trip to see family. If the plan is too much for her she doesn’t need to come. In a nice way mind you. But you need to communicate.
You’re in your 50s and haven’t found your spine yet? Not sure we can politely point you in that direction at this point.
She invited herself.
Tell her to
1. book her own hotel
2. find things to do by herself
3. bring enough money for food and shopping
4. you will let her know if you have time to see her while you are there, with your family.
DUMP HER ASS…NOW!
I mean, you are afraid of confrontation if you didn’t respond with “I am going to both, you don’t need to come along.”
You need to just start dictating back. You can start it with- listen, I told you this was a trip I planned to see family, and I am happy to have you join, but you can’t join and then dictate what I can and can’t do. My priority during this trip is to see family, and therefore I am going to do all the family things I can. You are welcome to come to whatever you want, and to make your own plans for stuff you don’t want to attend. But you will not take over this trip.
You haven’t been dating long enough to deal with this, and even if you had been together a long time, I’d say she gets input in to a joint vacation, but never gets to unilaterally tell you what to do.
Stop expecting her to read between the lines. Each time she says something and you don’t immediately refute her demands, she will take that as agreeing with her.
Open.
Your.
Mouth.
You already know that she doesn’t get it. Don’t ask her and expect her to have the same family values you do. Tell her: “I’m going to both games and every family event I can logistically and physically go to. If you get tired or don’t want to attend, you can go hang out at the hotel pool or find another activity to do. I will find some time for us if you decide to go, but my family will come first because that is the purpose of this trip. Thank you for understanding.”
Good news is she is gonna think your an AH either way because she is probably viewing this as her vacation now too. Just be honest. Tell her your going to both games. She is welcome to come with you to both or just one but your going to both. Remind her that you told her before she booked that this trip is for you to connect with extended family. It’s not really a couples vacation. She may want to do some site seeing or go on a hike or something instead of one of the games.
“Girlfriend, book yourself a spa trip for Saturday because I am going to support BOTH my nephew and my alma mater. This is the only chance I have to do that.”
“You invited yourself. I WILL attend both games. You may attend one, both, or neither, but you will not dictate what I do on My trip to see My family.
If this is an issue, uninvite yourself just like you invited yourself.”
Do it now, so if she still comes she can’t act surprised.
You are obviously scared of confrontation or it never would have gotten to this point. She invited herself along on your trip and you just let her. If you don’t start saying your honest opinion and holding her accountable when she walks over your boundaries to get her way, your resentment of her will continue to fester and the relationship rots.
>I am at a loss on what to do and what to say to her.
You tell her exactly what you told her when she invited herself on your vacation: **”I won’t be choosing. I told you very clearly when you invited yourself along that my focus on this trip is my family. If you don’t like that, I recommend that you stay home, because I’ll be the one determining what events I attend, not you. The next time you try to tell me what I will or won’t do on my vacation – or any other time – we’re done.”**
It’s been 5 months. She’s awfully demanding for a 5 month girlfriend.
You need to grow a set…This is just the start. 5 months in and and shes already trying to manipulate and walk all over you. If she doesnt like the itinerary, she shouldnt have invited herself. That would be a hard no for me.
“Sweetie, you’re welcome to join me but you should understand that this trip is to see my family and friends. That’s the entire point of the trip. If those activities seem boring to you – which I would understand – perhaps this isn’t the trip for you.”