Hey redditors,
I’ve seen questions about single moms asked on here and most of the replies are just like “NO.” So my question is what does a successful relationship with a single mom look like to men?
What can a single mom do to add value to the relationship, what can she do to help make the relationship last, etc.
Thaaaaaanks men!
– a single mom
ETA that I am the single mom here.
36 comments
Either the ex *really* sucks and that poses typical problems. Or the ex is a great guy and that poses unique problems.
Depends on what your definition of success is and success for whom? I’ve successfully dated a few single moms but I didn’t stay with them in the long run.
Don’t expect him to become a father to your kids. Make this clear to him from the first date. Your relationship with him should be about your relationship with him, not about his relationship with your kids. This doesn’t mean how he is with your kids or how your kids feel about him isn’t important.
Don’t get overly excited about the idea of some fantasy future in which him, your kids, and you live happily ever after doing idyllic family stuff together. This can put a LOT of pressure on a guy and can come across as very needy.
He should not be someone your family NEEDS. He should be someone YOU (an individual) WANTS.
Be compassionate and understanding about his needs and his (lack of) obligation to your family unit.
Do your best to support him and be compassionate in all of his interactions with your ex(es).
Going ten years strong and has a great relationship with her now teenage son. So fucking happy with her, so fucking proud of him. Best decision ever.
As always it depends on the person and other factors, socioeconomic, cultural, family-related, etc. The having a kid already is a big deal to some and not to others so just another factor.
Easy! Don’t be “a single mom”!…hear me out…
Often when men meet single moms, their identity is being a single mom. The first words on their profile or when we talk about anything are “My kids come first”. I’m a single dad, I never once had to explain that. I’ve had to cancel dates for sick kids and such…but the women I have dated either understood or I made that the last date. That simple. The small children following you around and living in your home are enough to let me know you’re a single mom…we don’t need a banner and t-shirts. But…what ELSE are you?
On the other hand…don’t come to me telling me you’re a single mom and then be more than happy to drop your kids at a moment’s notice anytime I have free time. I’m a single dad. I’m a great single dad. I respect other great parents. I’ve seen too many women try to win over a good man at the expense of good kids, I sure don’t want any part of it.
It’s cool you’re raising kids, sucks when we have to do it on our own…but I’m looking to date a woman and a partner…I don’t need a single mom…but if that woman and partner ends up being a single mom, it doesn’t really phase me…but they do need to be a woman and a partner as well.
I’m a single dad, so at my stage of life it’s more the norm to find a single mom rather than a single woman without kids. That said, I don’t want to be anyone’s third or fourth parent.
Nothing special. You don’t have to overcompensate just because you are a single mom. If a male likes you, he will accept you for who you are.
I married a single mom, and she had me at “hi.” If you really care for someone, you will make it work.
My situation was a little different as the father was not in the picture at all. Like literally had one conversation about it 8 years ago and that was it. The child sees me as her father and other than the fact that she biologically isn’t, it’s a completely standard relationship. Now we have one of our own, a nice house, and a great life together and I couldn’t be happier with my family. With that being said, I could completely understand how having the child’s father in the picture, good or bad, could make the situation completely different.
It was like any other relationship
She just had more responsibilities
Not me but my best friend started dating a single mom with a 4 year old daughter. They were just a good match for each other and they would do date activities that could include the 3 of them. They’re married now and she’s his stepdaughter turning 13 this year.
I am a 31 year old male who started dating my now wife when I was 23 and she was a 19 year old single mom. It wasnt easy for me taking on a father role (boys father was never involved). Many people recommend dating someone with the same number of kids as yourself, and I understand where theyre coming from. But it worked out for us, and now we have a kid together who was born this year.
We’re married now, and I love the kids and they love me back.
My priority is always her, but the children are part of that and I’d be foolish to think otherwise.
That said, making time for each other is important, and she makes me feel like just as much a post of the family as those that were here before me.
Single mothers that I knew, developed extremely close relationships with their children. The child is the main focus of their lives. Enter man/lover and the child is still loved but now the focus is split. This can lead to the child declaring war on the “enemy,”who is stealing away their mother. It can also lead to the child feeling abandoned by the mother and now you have all hell breaking loose. Step lightly
I am the single mum in the equation but I’ve never had issues with men (partially cause I snagged the right one 7 years ago). Best advice I would ever give another single mum is have your shit together. Build yourself a career, run your house, keep your identity outside being a mother. My relationship works because he knows my life runs fine with or without him in it (helps that my sons father has been full MIA for 10 years so there’s no dramas)
I used to date this woman who had a 10 year old kid and I loved that kid, he was great. He looked up to me as a friend.
I think i miss both of their friendships the most out of that relationship. Today he is 16 year old and I hope he is happy wherever he is.
I’m a single dad, and I’ll say very rarely does it work out with women that don’t have kids. Not only is their scheduling issues, eventually they realize they don’t want the burden of being a stepparent when they’re not a parent themselves. Talking to some mom friends it’s pretty similarly the same. You would have better luck if you only have 1 maybe 2 kids and are willing to have more.
As a single dad not willing to have kids, I pretty much only dare single moms unless a woman without kids is THAT interested in me. It’s just a lot easier. We understand each other, we already know what are parenting styles are so we can see if they match, and it makes the actual dating process a bit easier and takes a lot of stress off.
If you aren’t focusing on single dads, I’d be curious to know why. If the answer is “unhealed trauma” then I would reconsider. I find a lot of that too in single moms. You just have to keep looking.
Does your “kid come first”? Probably, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, as a single person or casually dating single mom, but as long as you’re putting someone else first, you create an imbalance in your relationship if you expect your partner to put YOU first. At a certain point, if you decide that you want to live with this person and build a life with them, you have to decide if you’re willing to put THEM first, and if you’re not, it will never be a fully happy relationship. Your life partner must always come first, and very few single moms are willing to do that.
Before he meets your kids, let him meet your ex. That makes the transition (in my experience) better. My wife and I have a joint family and we both have a great relationship with the ex’s. I know that’s not always the case but it made it way easier with holidays, birthdays etc.
Be honest with your kids the entire time, don’t force the introduction to the new bf until your kids want to meet him. Now if they make it difficult then it might be something you have to initiate. We did a joint introduction with my kids and hers, our kids (3 girls and a boy) hit it off right away. After that it was the kids who wanted to get together and take trips together. We got very lucky.
It’s a tough situation but it’s definitely doable
Been with my SO for a year and she has 2 kids. I dont. Here is what has worked so far:
1. She is not just a “single mom”. She works, she has her own money, she cooks, cleans, etc. I do all of this too but she didnt try to dump it all on me right away.
2. Talk a lot. Their dad is around so I let her make the decisions on most things with the kids. However, she does listen when I talk to her about things I am seeing and doesn’t pull the “not your business” card or tell me how to do everything. Im not an idiot.
3. She puts effort into the relationship, to include staying at my place occasionally and leaving the kids with the dad/relative, etc. We still date without the kids and im good with paying for a sitter sometimes.
4. Essentially, she is not using me to make her life better. Its an actual relationship and we make each others lives better. Pretty simple but not trying to overthink this.
My girlfriend has 4 kids. We’ve been together almost a year and a half. We knew each other for a couple years before dating.
I’m in my early 40’s and have a daughter with my ex wife, so I didn’t go out into the dating world again expecting to connect with women who were childless.
For me, my girlfriend brings so much to the table in who she is as a person. I never looked at kids as an obstacle, just part of the deal in being with her. I knew going in that this would mean that I’d need to have a good relationship with her kids…which I mostly do, though it can be tricky at times. There has definitely been a learning curve in us adapting to each other’s parenting styles.
It is sometimes difficult to carve out time for just us, but we do a lot of things together with the kids too and I enjoy that time as well.
55M here and I met my wife (single mum at the time) 30 odd years ago. To me, kids being in the picture was never an issue for me, but I know it can be for others. If it is a problem for them, it is unlikely to be a problem you can fix for them. It would be better to move on sooner rather than later in that situation.
In our case 2 things helped a lot. The first was that the kids (3) were all young (under 6) and the second was that the father wanted nothing to do with them (he never tried to contact them or anything).
There is not much you can do to make it easier other than ensuring that you, him and the kid(s) are always on the same page. Don’t even jokingly describe him to the kids as their new Dad, no matter how long everyone has known as each other. Some guys will feel uncomfortable and pressured with that, and it may cause resentment in the kid(s). All that will develop in its own time.
The only way I could see dating a single mom is a woman who’s my age or older and her kids are out of the house.
When I was dating my now wife, the kiddo was 4. We decided that I wouldn’t meet the kid until we started dating for 6 months. By that time we figured we would know by 6 months whether the relationship had some traction and we were compatible. There was some working with schedules, since it was still shared custody with the dad, but we would work it out. We’ve been married for 2 years in a few weeks, and it’s been great. It’s still an adjustment for me to realize that I’m not the dad, and I do have to watch how I “parent” as I have realized over the years that my upbringing wasn’t that great, so I don’t want to repeat habits of my parents, even though sometimes I’m not aware of it
Together 14 years now. She had a 4 y/o when we started dating. The big thing was she had a good support system, a live-in baby sitter so going out wasn’t a huge deal.
It’s not about making it last. It’s about being able to make time for a relationship to get off the ground in the first place. I’ve tried dating single moms before this and it was just a logistics/scheduling nightmare because they didn’t have much support.
Married to a single mom.
She made it clear at the time that she prioritized her kids.
I made it clear that I was here for her.
Meeting and interacting with the kids came later. I didn’t come in trying to be their dad or male figure.
It wasn’t until far later that we talked about what the next step was.
As long as both parties are communicating clearly, it will work out. Do not hold them in contempt if they don’t want to date anymore.
I’d also say don’t chase after anyone either.
Did it and married her. We had 3 more kids after and living happily ever after 12 years later.
Separate your time into kids time and dating time.
When you date the man, show him attention.
When you care for your kids, prioritise them. Be sure he understands this and he will be cool about it.
Don’t drag him into problems with your ex or your kids.
We’re 13 years in -her son was 2 when we met.
The toughest part has been that her ex has had to remain a part of our lives. It’s not a jealous thing, but having to include them in many decisions (if they’re active in kids life) sucks. Like which city we live in, when we go on holidays, which activities to enroll in, etc Their relationship fell apart for a reason and you never truly get to leave that behind.
If there are absolutely ANY feelings for your ex, they will surface and it will be clear as day to your new mate.
Throughout our relationship I have always gotten to take “boys trips” whenever – in a way a parent couldn’t. This is vitally important.
Basically every woman I have been with since turning 18 has been an older single mom of atleast 2. I actually met my wife because my step daughter’s friend throught I was a transformer in my box goalie gear. I think it is maybe because I’m only 11 and 15 years older than them, but I never tried to parent my step daughters. (Honestly never felt comfortable parenting them) Yes I gave them a place to live and a car, but other than that I really didn’t parent them. I will say though it did make raising the 3 we have together so much easier as I have someone who knows what she’s doing. Honestly I would encourage guys to date single moms
Assuming he has no kids of his own, identify up front if you are willing to have more kids or he is 100% on not having his own kids. Your kids will not become his kids one day, if you get divorced you keep the kids and he gets nothing.
IMO if you want a true partner you cannot always put your kids first. It can get very lonely dating or being married to someone with kids and always feeling like the odd man out.
The times I’ve dated single moms they were very much their own person, which is why I was open to dating them. I love kids, but we’re not dating you *for* the kid, so our needs to still have to be met, to be happy. I grew up with a stepdad (who was awful) and a dad who was absent, so I am very pro-step parent and blended family, but only if they are good.
You can’t just expect your kid and the guy to love each other off the hop. If they do, you’re lucky, but don’t put that pressure on either of them, it’s not fair or reasonable. Obviously, as time goes on, you work these things out. Understanding needs to run both ways.
The only time single moms were a turn off were people who were belligerent about it. “My kid comes first and if you don’t like that, keep walking”, or anything to that effect. Like, we know. That’s a good thing. But if you can’t see the man for the person he is, and just expect him to step up right away (or to get less of you than a childless woman may give or he reasonably wants), then you’re deluded and can enjoy your single motherhood.
For me, it only works when the woman embraces being a mother first but is also able to carve out enough time for herself and the relationship. Women who think they can make everyone/everything a top priority might look like superwomen for short periods of time, but something always gives and the relationship is the first to go.
In order to have time for fulfilling romantic relationships while also being a fulltime mom and working, she needs to have village she can trust. This can be family, friends, other moms, flexible work arrangements, kids old enough to babysit/leave at home, etc., but she will need to be able to hand over the reigns to focus on herself and other priorities. This has become extremely rare in my experience.
Also, if the dad is still in the picture, she needs to have very firm boundaries already established when it comes to co-parenting.
That’s pretty much it. Everything else is regular relationship stuff.
On his side, he’ll need to understand that he is a priority, but not the top priority. He’ll need to be comfortable with occasional last minute changes when something comes up that only you can solve; but he shouldn’t stay if there are constant interruptions because his partner isn’t able to delegate responsibility. You’ll need to show him occasionally that you can put everything else to the side and focus on him and the relationship. He should help you prioritize your time to work on yourself and not feel like he has to compete with your own self care.
As someone who has dated single moms. It never worked. But I can tell you why.
Here is the biggest issue with single moms. Make up your mind if your gonna take care of your kid only, or you both are a partner… there’s is no one way or the other. Don’t swap when it’s just convenient to you.
Like I had a gal kid disrespect me in my own home. I was about to discipline him right then and there… she decided to argue with me about disciplining her child…
So we agreed that I’m not even gonna deal with him.
Well we was on a road trip, they got in some little furs and he called her a b-word. She was stunned and looked at me like I should have said or done something.
I had to explain about the previous argument we had. That we agreed I would not interfere with her parenting.
Let’s just say she started to show resentment in me from then on. I had to cut that out of my life. So I asked her to leave my home. She said would you really kick out a single mother with no home. I asked was she paying rent? She said no. Did she pay for water or electricity. Again she said no.. did you pay for house insurance? Again no.. then my comment was cool. Where was the left over $800 you used to use for a apartment going?
I learned my lesson after kicking her out. So the next single mom I explained the same thing like “hey this what happen this what I been through so imma need this figured out before I even consider dating.” She agreed… guess what same thing.
I don’t know why but here’s my thing. Make sure either your gonna include him as a team or not at all, if not at all. Then don’t ask anything out of him for your kid. I mean not so far as not buying the little guy/gal a thing for Christmas or birthday. We aren’t that heartless..
Just don’t expect anything from us. Money or chores revolving him. That’s the key and why most of us don’t like it tho.
I mean pick a lane and stick to it. That’s the sad reality of it all. Especially when you move your kid into his home. That he worked for. They he tried his best to do.
The biggest hurdle is being a “single mom”. If you just say that you have kids, we all get it. People eventually have kids. The hard part is when you have given up having any personality beyond “I”M A SINGLE MOM!”
We get that kids get sick. We get that things happen. It’s called being a person. I have no problem delaying a dinner date because you have to meet with their teacher.
Also, don’t walk into the first date with expectations that I will be the new dad. Relationships take time, and I’m not going to be ready to go from single to proud dad of a 9 year old in one date.
The relationship at this point is coming up on 40th anniversary in a few weeks.
We met in a small college town in the early 80’s. No dating, just a relationship that started over dinner with someone who I’d met a few times before as well as her then 3 year old. Friends were mostly college students, as was I. A few could be called upon to help, but for the most part we just pretty much went everywhere with our daughter and didn’t really think to do anything else. Everything meant house parties, pot luck dinners, camping and Dead shows.
Some of our friends later became parents, but that was several years later.
What did then single mom add to the relationship? Everything I thought was important in a relationship; intelligence, humor, ability to talk about problems, shared interests. The fact that she had a 3 year old? I’d met her before, and she was just the coolest and most mature 3 year old I’d ever met before or since. That definitely helped.
Tips? Don’t expect a single man to somehow be a perfect parent or have those behaviors. They are learned over time. Nothing ground my gears more than being told I was just “not a kid person” during the learning curve.
In 2003 when I was 23, I started dating a cute single mom that was the younger sister of a friend of mine. We got along pretty well, and we took things slow at first but then realized that the stars had aligned bringing us together. Last week was our 18th wedding anniversary.
I’d say things worked out pretty well.