Men with abandonment issues, what is the best reaction from a woman when you pull away and self isolate due to some kind of perceived rejection? Sometimes it’s hard to tell if you genuinely aren’t interested or going through a hard time/struggling with mental health. How does someone reaching out to check up on you feel, even if you don’t know them very well?
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Why do you think it’s because of abandonment issues?
Guys, help us please, i wanna know too
I don’t understand the question.
I’ve been in that spot.
Absolutely smother them. Tell them they’re broken, and then explain they have avoidant attachment styles and are completely loving wrong and they need to change to suit your style/needs. Insisting on more and more time together so you can fix him better is probably necessary. These guys are emotional idiots and don’t know what they want. If he can fit underwear on between him and you, you’re leaving him too much room.
Was just kidding there, btw…but it is how a lot of people approach men that tend to isolate.
Ask him. He may just need to process things. He may need to discuss things in a couple of days. He may be done…but you won’t know if you don’t just ask. When I went through my divorce…only one person thought to ask “What do you need from me?” and I told them I just needed room to think and do what I needed to wrap this thing up. I actually talked to a therapist and she said while men get constantly told we are not emotionally aware, the ones that go stoic and isolate to process things are actually usually more emotionally aware than people who just have emotional diarrhea and look to other people to help them sort things out. Made sense to me, live in your head and you know the lay of the land better.
Just remember, because some men handle things differently does not mean that they are not handling it, or that they’re handling it wrong. Over-isolating is probably destructive, but so is not being able to be alone with your thoughts but you never hear people say “Hey, maybe shut the hell up and go sit in your room and think about this before you do something asinine”. If he is just processing and someone comes out of the woodwork to scream he’s doing it all wrong, he is not going to take it the wrong way…he’s going to take it absolutely the correct way and cut that person out.
A hug and close physical proximity would make things better
I would like to know this also
Depends on if they are just going through a patch or if they have a very private mindset.
If they are going through a patch, then I would first give them the space they want at first. If things don’t seem to improve, begin forcing your way back in. Be overly loving and very validating. But genuine. Chase him and make him feel wanted.
If he’s reached a point in his life where he is just generally pulled back and reserved but doesn’t seem unhealthy, let him be. And then let him be some more. He likely has a system in place that he goes through when he needs to reaffirm his place in life and you are probably messing up that system and prolonging the cycle. You are not part of that cycle yet.
Things like hygiene are the indicators you’re looking for. If a guy pulls back but his life continues as normal otherwise, he’s probably more fine than you understand. If he pulls back and stops taking showers, it’s a cry for help.
For me, when I feel like my partner is exhibiting “signs” that I (often misinterpret) as potential abandoning, I will pull back to save myself.
What works best for me when I’m feeling that way is simple, clear communication and words/actions of affirmation.
I will always communicate how I’m feeling, and my partner can put those fears to rest by reassuring me.
If your partner can’t or won’t communicate how he is feeling/why, then I’m not quite sure how you can help, other than being there for him however you can.
For me, the first step is just open and clear communication. Sorry for the generic answer, but communication really is the 🔑.
Give space
Why even waste your time. Unless they are in therapy and 100% committed to fixing that issue….id bounce the fuck out
Would it be more accurate to say that you don’t understand why a person might “pull away” as you said? Are you in a situation where you’re worried that you might have triggered a “perceived rejection?”
I think if you’re at the stage where you’re certain the cause is “abandonment issues,” then you’re obviously communicating very well with your partner. In that case, it shouldn’t be a problem to talk about the situation openly.
There are many reasons why a person might be distant or, perhaps, only appear distant. Personally, I tend to be a quiet and private person, and my default state is to enjoy being by myself. This has caused problems in relationships once they’re past the honeymoon stage because I seem to be growing more distant when actually I’m beginning to relax back to the type of person I normally am without all the peacocking and infatuation of the first few weeks.
Hard to say since everyone’s situation is different.
My mom left when I was in kindergarten and I saw her maybe once a year growing up. When I need to check out emotionally, Its helpful when my partner let’s me know she is there and gives me space.
I problem is I don’t pull away. I preemptively push people away to avoid the rejection and because my brain knows I’m not good enough in a lot of ways. Anytime I get too close with someone new I start getting more annoying, more abrasive with my humour, and shit like that to make sure no one ever gets too close.
Hug, telling him you love him and are proud of him, that you’re there to support him. Make him feel hears and loved.
If I can give you a more blunt answer. It’s not your problem and they need to talk to a professional and spend time learning about themselves for you to have an actual answer to that question. Ive got a heavenly mix of co-dependency with the worry that ill be left behind. Ultimately the only thing ive found to work it to talk to those close to me, let them know whats going to happen and that it’s my responsibility to tell them what I need if theyre willing to stick around and help. I don’t think there is a solid step by step answer for this, as is with much of mental health issues.
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Thats my take at least.
I’m not sure I understand the situation. Did he express his feelings for you and you didn’t feel the same, and now he’s isolating? Or, are you asking if it’s okay to reach out to someone who feels rejected by someone else?
I think it’s great you have an instinct to want to help, but you need to understand that you can’t fix people by doing the right thing.
People who pull away because they’re afraid of being abandoned need to fix that issue themselves. It’s got nothing to do with you.
Put in the ground work & earn the trust.
The issue most likely is not the oft advertised toxic masculinity, but an expectation that being open, honest & vulnerable will cause more problems than it solves.
If you *don’t* open up odds are you’ll maintain the level of support & comfort you currently have at the moment you needed it most.
If you do open up the odds are you’ll end up with less than what you had & if it doesn’t go to zero you have new problems to solve at the very moment you didn’t need them.
This isn’t an assumption guys make, in fact the opposite. Every guy is told he should open up and accept the love & support that is supposed to be beating down his door… And then he does & it does not go right. Then he tries again & he regrets it again.
Every time that privileged information is used against him in an argument, or his trust is violated when it’s shared with someone without his consent that lesson is reinforced.
It sucks to be punished for someone else’s actions, but it’s all too common in life. Before you ask someone to open up you should be confident it’s *actually* what you want & that you can walk the walk.
Do you ever fight dirty in an argument? if yes why should someone give you ammunition.
Do you ever tell your friends privileged or intimate information without the owner’s consent? if yes why should someone trust you with their secrets
I expect a lot of people reading this will take it personally & be offended, but keep in mind I don’t know you personally. But I do know that men are not naturally afraid or ashamed of having feelings, and they are not at all averse receiving comfort & support, it’s the consequences they worry about.
I also know that many people are not as good a confidant as they assume. It’s a choice, and a skill, not a birthright.
TLDR
If you want a shortcut say:
I am here because you deserve it & I want to help you be your best self possible. I promise you that whatever you show me here will never leave this room & I will never share with another soul even if this relationship ends. I won’t even bring it up unless you do first.
I’m asking you for an opportunity to prove that I am worthy of your trust. I will do my best to ensure you don’t regret it. You might as well find out now if I am a woman of my word.
If necessary start small & earn the privilege by honoring your word.
Note: This won’t work if you’ve gaslit the person in an argument before or have used other strategies to avoid accountability when in the wrong. In that case *maybe* writing down the promise could help. The exercise itself will reveal more of what the issue is if nothing else.
Note 2: Just because your partner doesn’t trust you doesn’t mean you are untrustworthy, you could well be paying the price for other people’s sins.
Big patience. You may not always know if they are interested or having other issues, but that is the way of life. If you really want to be supportive, let go of the outcome and communicate that you are there for them, then demonstrate that with your actions. You won’t do it perfectly, but you can do a little better than last time by learning and developing your love muscles. (No, not THOSE love muscles). Then, when they do open up to you, be sure you are there for them and generally communicate that time and time again. Remember the acronym A.R.E. — Available, Responsive, Engaged.
Do: Tackle me. Smother me. Fuck my brains out.
Don’t: Go to friends house and leave me alone.
If we’re bringing attachment styles into the equation then it would be helpful for the partner to gently invite them to think about getting therapy. It’s really the only effective way to rectify an insecure attachment style that involves abandonment fears.
“Beer?”
The idea is to break the ice. Pulling away is a sign of stress. Tell him ” let’s have a beer and try to formulate your concerns into words we can both understand. No pressure though, we can just drink and watch porn if you want.”
You literally cannot lose…
Put his penis in your mouth
I wish people that ask things like this would try to speak more plainly. What are you talking about specifically? A guy that has “abandonment issues” of some kind, experiences “perceived rejection” of some kind, from who? A wife? A girlfriend? A friend he took a shot with who shot him down? And what does “self isolate” mean in this context? And how would he react to *who* reaching out? Someone aware of the situation, or the person who rejected him?
These things all matter a lot. Without that detail no one can really answer this.