This may be the wrong sub for this post but it’s a genuine question about social skills / interpersonal relationships.
Most people I know have a ton of friends, their families are so loving, supportive and they have very few familial issues.
They have great and loving marriages, live in nice houses and go on vacations… They’re beautiful and in shape.
Does anyone else feel this way?
EDIT: Thank you to everyone who replied! I think this is largely an illusion because of course everyone has problems and to them it’s huge because it’s all thieve ever known but you compare their issues to yours theirs seem very minor. I.e aa trust fund kid who haas to get a used BMW I stead of the latest greatest but you wish you could just a car instead of taking the bus etc.
Something I wanted to clarify… a lot of people have commented this belief is due to social media and highlight reels and certainly there is a social media component but I have felt this was since I was aa kid, so before social media.
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33 comments
Yep.
Cause you don’t have to deal with their thoughts, their problems, their feelings. You don’t have to think of how to live their life. You aren’t them. That and the fact that you probably are a lot less critical to them than yourself.
Last is that we are more aware of what we desires on other people so they seem perfect since they have what you don’t have.
Everyone’s life is a blend but I’m convinced everyone has their own pile of shit to deal with. I live in a nice house, two cute dogs and I love my husband.
I don’t talk about being low contact with my mother, my breast cancer, or my antidepressant and benzo because most people my age (GenX) think those things are embarrassing or private.
Because everyone is trained to put on a show of “how amazing” their life is. People that share the shitty parts are considered a bummer to be around, and seen as lower status. You have very limited knowledge of their real lives, so you can’t form an accurate opinion about them.
I’ve been told by others (coworkers, friends, family members) that I seem like someone who’s “got it all together”. I always respond with “Really?”
Our perspective of others is solely from the outside, often seeing only what they want us to see. We don’t know what turmoil they could be facing elsewhere— be it at home, work, their love life or from within.
Because I don’t share my problems online through FB/ig etc. I keep my problems to my close circle, those are personal matters with complex solutions and I have no desire to listen to random advice that won’t actually work and pretend to appreciate their input in order to be nice.
Comparison is the thief of joy. Always remember that.
Instead of looking in the windows of other people’s lives, remind yourself of how great your own is. Gratitude is key.
We’re not always aware of it, but there are millions of people out there who would do anything to be in the shoes we currently fill.
Lastly, what is considered a “perfect” life is mostly subjective. Ask yourself what a perfect life looks like for you & begin to put forth the proper actions to achieve that. It won’t be easy but it is by no means impossible.
Everybody’s fucked up. Some are just better at hiding it. 😎
Because people don’t share details of their haemorrhoids operation with other people.
You see 100% of your life, you only see snippets of their life. I might seem calm and composed, but on the inside i’m running around like a headless chicken.
As someone said “don’t compare the highlights reel of others with your blooper reel”.
Be careful of comparing the outside of others to the inside of yourself. We all face our own difficulties and challenges. Those may not always be apparent.
Yes. The woman I like has a great boyfriend and loves her job.
If you see all of these on social media you have to understand that it is an illusion and we only post what we want other people to see.
It’s just a fraction of one’s life and doesn’t really reflect the bigger picture. we’re all just trying our best.
“Most people I know have a ton of friends, their families are so loving, supportive and they have very few familial issues.”Is how you have perceived it, because you feel its something you lack in life, it also doesn’t help that’s how others push out there, what they want you to see is bliss, what you don’t see is the nightmare.
“They have great and loving marriages, live in nice houses and go on vacations… They’re beautiful and in shape.”Trust me, this is same as above but much worse haha, living with someone WILL have its downsides, arguments over what they’re eating tonight, XXX is farting in the bed, XXX is snoring loud so back to the sofa.. Vacation most prob starts with an argument due to stress
“Does anyone else feel this way?”Yup.. but it’s not what your mind creates us to think.
I know someone that dates a lot of people, has. a lot of friends and ia good academically. however, inside she is a mess, who can’t resume a relationship with anyone. she is very jealous and needy. nothing is as it seems buddy…
Just remember, you are comparing your entire movie to their highlight reels
Social media is a lens that people use to make their lives seem perfect. They choose to show things that make themselves look good and interesting and not show things that make them look bad.
Their not nobody is ever happy we all do truly suffer but we admire those who don’t complain and push themselves forward. Like this saying goes “just cause i wear it well doesn’t mean its not heavy”and people who embody that are sources of comfort like maybe we can be ok too.
Because most people don’t air their dirty laundry.
I remember seeing a guy and his loving wife and child on social media recently and then I remembered he was actually awful to women irl. Who knows their struggles. If he isn’t a terrible husband, he’s probably had to get sober and work hard to change his ways. His relationships were all unhealthy irl, but he doesn’t put it on Facebook or tell a lot of people about it.
You never know what goes on behind closed doors. Sure, some families are actually very fortunate and happy, but you just don’t know. The grass might look over there one day and come to find out later it wasn’t so perfect.
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Comparison is a thief of joy.
No one’s life is perfect my brother. Everyone on this earth has struggles, just because you can’t seem them from the outside definitely doesn’t mean they’re not there.
I quit social media because of that but even so I’d argue my friend has it pretty good. He graduated on time, got the job he’s always wanted, making good money, he’s tall and attractive as well so he’s had no problem attracting beautiful, ambitious women, got his dream car, has the entire upstairs area of his parents house to himself so he has basically no bills except the car payment although he could move out if he wanted to, he gets to travel a lot, he has millionaire family members that give him stuff and show him a great time, he has a lot of family all over the country, he’s always been fairly fit and healthy both physically and mentally. He recently broke up with his girlfriend because she had a lot of mental health issues that she doesn’t attempt to fix and it became too much for him so he’s been a little sad about that but because he has all this other stuff going for him it didn’t affect him too much. I’m happy for him I just wish I could have a life like that too. I graduated late, didn’t get into dental school so I’m reapplying, overweight since I can even remember, have had depression and anxiety for years, very low confidence/self esteem, not much money but my parents help me out where they can, I rarely get to travel, my anxiety and self esteem make it harder for me to open up and put myself in social situations, I only have two cousins in this country and the rest I practically haven’t ever met, I’ve been addicted to weed, nicotine, and porn for multiple years. The only thing we have in common here is that we both live at home with our parents since it’s common in our culture that we live with our parents till our mid-late twenties.
There is an old saying that says we are seeing everyone else’s highlight reel, and this is gore people communicate. The level of intimate knowledge about the people you are utilizing us the reason you feel this way. In truth, even the ‘beautiful peoples’ suffer and do dumb things. They just hide it to seem special.
It’s like watching a football game. Sometimes the only thing you see is the highlights
Some people are jist born to live the soft life and some are born to have it rough. People here will say its a “grass is greener on the otherside effect” but thats just an excuse people tell themselves to feel better about their own lives and limited progress.
Not trying to be cold but its something that is true and the sooner you accept it, the less it’ll bother you.
While I don’t have an answer for your question, I do have a tip that has helped me see my life (with all its highs and lows) differently. I recommend you to do this stoic practice that basically involves starting your day by thinking of a number of things that you are grateful for in your life. You could find this practice in any article describing the introduction to stoicism. I’m not the author, but here’s a link towards an article on “the art of being grateful in stoicism” ([https://dailystoic.com/gratitude/](https://dailystoic.com/gratitude/)). Through gratitude I’ve come to realize that, no matter what others have or lack on their lives, mine is one worth living for, and though it is not perfect, it makes me happy in its own way.
Give it a try, I’m sure you will be surprised to see how many things in your life make you happy and work for you. I’m not saying that you will convince yourself that your life is perfect (whose is?), I’m just saying that you will be more pleased and content with it.
Cheers!
Scratch the surface and you’ll find the ugliness, the tears, the fears and the cracks.
It’s your mind playing tricks on you combined with other people editing out the bad parts into a highlight reel.
Rose-coloured glasses. You are seeing that life is dandy around you but there are layers you ain’t seeing. Do not compare your life with others, just live.
Yes, everyone feels like that sometimes. I think you should be around people that have what you aspire to have, who are the kind of mother, brother, neighbor or friend you would like to be. You have a beautiful view that can motivate you to become a better version of yourself.
Many people don’t have successful, responsible, well to do people in their lives to show them what’s possible. And humans naturally adapt to their environment picking up habits and behaviors along the way. There is some quote that’s like “if you want to know a man, look at his friends. I think it’s a blessing and you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.
But also, some people are great actors.
I also wanted to comment perhaps my own experience has exasperated this belief of some people being ‘perfect’. My family immigrated to North America when I was a child. My parents were working class and spent all their money sending us to very elite private schools where most of my peers were the children of very successful people. Sure, they might had had divorced parents but they lived in mansions, went to Disney world every year, got all of the latest and greatest clothes and toys and their family knew all of the customs and wasn’t low income embarrassing like mine was.
Then when I became an adult I dated one guy whose dad was the former CEO of Mattel and lived in Atherton California. Another guy who went to Princeton and his parents fucking met at Princeton – I mean does it get anymore perfect than that?
Another guy who was a farmer on his families farm but came from a loving and beautiful and close knit family.
meanwhile my family is full of issues etc.
my friend once said so blatantly “you never feel any sadness in your life, dont you?” oh let me tell you shes just seeing the 5% of mine.