**How it started:** Me (28F) met him (25M) at our office – let’s call him Andy. We worked at the same office but never worked together- therefore *we never talked*. Until one time, I found his instagram and we got connected and we started to chat. Long story short, I knew he liked me and I started to get away because I was dating someone else- he knew. Nevertheless, he asked me many times to go for coffee or lunch. I agreed to go to lunch, and we ended up having great conversation. We stayed in his car for hours (until dinner time!). At that time, I was still dating someone else, so I stressed this to him. He understood. I felt a very strong desire to kiss him and I knew he felt it too (because later at that night he told me so but he respected my choice). A week later the guy I dated dumped me – so I found Andy on my door that night, and we started dating.
\-
**How it was going:** The dates went very well. Random rides at midnight, mostly. We are highly busy career people (and he had 2 postgrads going on – he always showed me his schedule, somehow I felt like I was his manager lol). He knew I love beach and city panorama so much, so he often took me there where we talked, laughed, kissed, hugged, and…. ***every dates always ended up with sex***\*\*.\*\* We just couldnt help it.
\-
**How he quit on dating me:** It went well until one day after a party of a mutual friend, he asked me to go his place, to talk. He did not bring me to his comfortable sofa nor room where we usually had a hot tea and randomly talked about any subjects. He took me to his dekstop room where he and I sat like we were on a business meeting. He told me this:
>*’This is too intense for me. I like you, a lot. But I have things to do. I am quite busy right now and I hate that I don’t and I cannot give you the effort, time, and priority that you deserve. I need some space. I believe we could be a great friend, as I like you as a person. I would like to date you once these things and pressure released.’*
I know I should have said yeah dude rock on – but instead I was angry. I yelled back, and I cried. I said if it didn’t work out, then I would leave. He was afraid and certainly wanted to still having me. I cried a lot and started to lose my sane, and he insisted that I should go back home because *he had a party scheduled in advance*. This was January.
\-
**How it is going right now:**
It is already May and we still argued over phone since January about the same matter: *I want a relationship but he doesn’t want to, yet he wants to keep me in his life and we will be friend and we won’t have sex again*. Ridiculously, there were ALWAYS some moments where we met at night doing something elses and we said we would not having sex but I always ended up at his home for a sleepover. We used to agree to not having a cuddle because it involved emotion, but ergh- we did it again, always. And this has been a cycle for 5 months now! This is not happening only once a month- but once a week. It is actually ridiculous when every morning we agreed to be just friend, no sex, but the other week- we broke our own promise.
**What I want:** *I want to be his girlfriend.* He told me he didnt fall in love with me so he doesnt want to have a relationship with me. Deep down- I suffer. I want him more, but I know I cannot. I want to break this cycle, I tried to not contact him and asked him not to, but I understand we just cannot.
\-
Any advice? 🙁
**tl;dr**: **He doesnt want to have a relationship but we keep having sex – all unexpectedly happened. How should I proceed?**
14 comments
I mean, it’s as obvious as the nose on your face. He is not interested, he has literally told you that. But you won’t leave him alone, so a quick fuck is irresistible I guess.
This was painful to read, I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s extremely clear that you need to cut contact with this guy because he does not value you. He knows how you feel, he knows what you want, he doesn’t care to give that to you. He knows you’ll have sex with him and he doesn’t even need to do anything. He knows you’ll suffer for him and honestly he prefers it that way. Out of respect for yourself, end this.
He’s using you. If you’re happy to be used then continue with what you’re doing. If not then remove yourself from this situation
He’s not offering you what you want.
You are offering him what he wants.
He will keep taking. There is no reason for him not to. He doesn’t care enough about your suffering to cut you off for your own good. He enjoys getting what he wants from you without any negative consequences to him.
You actually *can* end contact. You are capable of it. You are very much an adult who can make good choices for yourself. You’re just not right now.
Your suffering will begin to ebb when you do that. Nothing else is going to fix this for you.
You can’t be his girlfriend. He doesn’t want it. You can’t have what you want.
You can have, pick one:
1) no more contact; go no-contact and *actually do it this time*
2) do what he would prefer; commit to being actual friends, no cuddling or sex, just an actual friendship
3) keep doing what you’re doing, tangling you both in an endless cycle of arguing where you try to be platonic friends but fuck anyway
The current option sure seems like the worst option to me. I think you should pick whichever of the first two feels less bad to you. But either way you go, you have to *actually stick to your decision* about no contact or no sex. You’re talking like the sex just happens to you, but it doesn’t. You are both more than old enough to make responsible adult decisions about when to have sex and when to skip it because you know it’s a bad idea even though it would feel great in the moment.
Get him out of your life. You don’t want the same things.
You want a boyfriend. He wants a FWB. You’re going to keep hurting until you stop allowing him.to hurt you.
Get a new job (if you still work together). Get him out of your view and out of your phone.
Have you considered that maybe one of the reasons he doesn’t want you for a girlfriend is because he knows that you are capable of starting an emotional affair with another man while you are in a relationship with another one? Have you forgotten how your behaviour contributed to the beginning of this “relationship”. This is one of the consequences of jumping straight from one person to another. You show yourself for who you are. It’s nice and exciting at the beginning but when the dust has settled, rational thinking begins.
You also implied at the beginning that YOU sought him out on Instagram. While you had a boyfriend. You are now making demands and it’s really unattractive for a woman your age. Please stop. Get out of this roller-coaster and find yourself a person who’s genuinely interested in being with you.
You want something that he doesn’t, you are not aligning. It’s better to just move on instead of hoping a change will occur. it is unfair to you as you are being used for sex with no strings attached while you are also having feeling for him. Cut it out.
You were dating someone else and sat in the car for hours with him anyway? At that point you’re already cheating. So there is no difference between sitting and talking for hours after work or kissing him. Should have broken up with your boyfriend prior to all of this.
Fucked up man. I feel bad for your boyfriend.
Everyone says that he’s using you for sex.
Well, frankly, I think we can all have sex without this level of crazy, drama and fighting. That’s a high fcuking price.
So I think you are both getting what you want out of this.
What are you using him for?
So let me get this straight. You were pursuing him while you were in a relationship with another man and you are shocked that he doesn’t want to get in a committed relationship with you? Me personally, I would definitely have sex with a woman who I find attractive and is pursuing me, but I would have worries regarding a committed relationship if she was pursuing me while she was in a relationship. Even if the sex happened after she broke things off.
Dang you just his side piece. He wants to be witj other girls
Stop having sex with him. He’s getting exactly what he wants.
Don’t proceed there are good men out there who want a real good healthy realtionship move on and just tell him your also no longer intrested