Bf saw some shitty old texts and is devastated (35M + 35F)

My bf and I (both mid 30s been together since last Oct/nov) were looking at random texts on my phone when he saw a few I had sent to a friend back in March that did not look good. They were:

– about a date I had been on around the time we met, last Oct/Nov (we didn’t make it exclusive for a few weeks after meeting). My friend was single and we often discussed modern dating woes since I had been dating the summer before until the fall. I wrote about this particular date “I keep thinking about that date I went on where I thought everything went well, good convo, laughter, not love at first sight, but we kissed at the end and said we’d text each other but then he never messaged me again. Like… was it something I said? I thought I was good but it was like taking a test thinking you’ll get an A but you get an F.” My bf was devastated to read this since by March we were in love and planning to move in the following month. I honestly don’t even remember that I “kept thinking” about this date, I don’t remember anything about the guy at this point, and I was writing that text from an ego perspective as well as the dating woes convo context. It was sloppy language but I definitely wasn’t wishing things had worked out w that guy or thinking about him in that way.
– The second text was a joke I made to my friend suggesting she peg a guy she had gone out with. She said I should do it since it was my thing – pegging is something i have often expressed interest in but never done. I wrote back “what, am I the only woman pegging?” Which was a typo, what I meant was “the only woman into pegging” but it was kinda funny that way and the convo kept going so I never corrected it. Butt stuff is something my bf and I have dabbled in and discussed and both cherish as something we’ve only done with each other. Now he thinks I’m lying due to the sentence construction/typo and moreover lying directly to his face when I insist that I have indeed never done it.
– My bf got COVID in January which left him with long COVID that he’s still dealing with. He also wasn’t working at the time of these texts and I was taking care of him during the long COVID “episodes”. In a moment of ranting frustration I sent a rant to my friend saying “And I’m also being a bitch and feel bad but I can’t help feeling like I’m just taking care of this guy and buying him shit and it’s unbalanced.” I know he’s been feeling bad about this situation this whole time and has always expressed gratitude for my care. I’ve always been happy to take care of him because I love him and hate that he’s suffering, but sometimes this situation can be difficult and isolating, especially back in March when the relationship was so much newer. It’s not like we had a 20 year marriage as a foundation – we were getting to know each other as he was dealing with a brand new chronic illness and at times it was difficult for both of us.

So now he’s devastated and has lost his trust for me. Though openness and communication has been a hallmark of our relationship and I’ve never given him reason to not trust me, I do understand that this is how trust works. However, privately, this feels deeply unfair because I used sloppy language without thinking about it much and it certainly doesn’t represent the reality of how I feel (or the factual truth for the pegging text). The worst part is that a couple of days ago we got in a fight about my tendency to dismiss or invalidate him when he expresses a hurt we don’t see eye to eye on. I don’t know why it took a blow out fight but either way it really helped me see his perspective – that instead of jumping to correct the narrative and defend/explain myself, it’s important to accept and validate that I’ve hurt him, even if it was inadvertently. I had a long think about it, I sent a long apology message vowing to work on this habit and I was dead serious about that. So I’m trying to do that now – give him space and not jump to defending myself.

But oh my god I am terrified to my core that he’ll leave because of these idiotic fucking texts and I feel like the biggest asshole on the planet. This man is my person. We talked about getting married and having kids soon. I’ve never met anyone like him and this is the healthiest relationship I’ve never been in. So healthy that my own bad habits are showing. I don’t feel like I’ve had the opportunity to grow as a partner in past relationships and now I do because this man is so emotionally mature, so communicative. He’s also thoughtful, creative, magnetic, on the same wavelength and a million other wonderful things. I didn’t even dream of having a relationship this good. I hate myself, I hate this situation, and I don’t know what to do.