Just found out my girlfriend hid a threesome from me in the past
Me (22M) and my girlfriend (22F) have been on and off for a long time, we met in highschool and dated briefly in school then on and off after highschool. We’ve most recently been together for about a year.
Basically, 2 days ago me and my girlfriend were on a job (I do animal and pest control, and sometimes I bring her to see the raccoons on jobs if they got caught) and we were listening to a 21 Savage song where he mentions a threesome. She asks me if I have ever had a threesome, and I said no. I ask the same back (we’ve both asked each other this many times, and I expected the same answer shes always given me which is a “no”) and she said yes. She said it happened when she was 18 and in college, and hid it from me because she doesn’t want me to think of her any differently. Note that shes also slept with more people than I have, Ive been with 6 including her, and she has told me shes been with around 22. Im not sure what made her say the truth this time, but she did.
EDIT: This happened while we were not together. She was in college and we were just friends at that point.
I immediately cried, very hard. I was in the parking lot of the job with people around and no tints which made this worse. I immediately started overthinking, and almost had a panic attack.
I feel a few things now:
How could I ever be as good as 2 guys? Im only one person and ive always had some insecurities about being good or the best my girl has ever had, mainly because she has been with so many more people and at this point has had 2 people at once. Shes always reassuring that im the best shes had and that she loves the sex but at this point I don’t believe that I could ever be as good as 2 people when im only one person. It gives me mental imagery of it happening and I hate it.
I feel lied to. It hurts because we’ve had this conversation many times however only now its being mentioned.
At this point I don’t know what to do. I love her and im very attached but it makes me sad and hurts a lot to think about. I cry to her about it and she says that she doesn’t know what to do to help except reassure me and say sorry, and I don’t know what she could possibly do either to help.
44 comments
If you want to take offense at the lying that’s fair. But you seem more upset about the idea that she’d somehow be comparing ‘love making’ in the context of your relationship with the purely perforative action of participating in a threesome. The latter is sex, the former is an exercise in emotional pair bonding. So before you do anything rash here take a moment to consider what it is you’re really “crying” about and whether it’s just your insecurities talking. You’re entitled to hold standards for the people you date and if that means ‘no threesomes’ then you’ll have to break up with her. Just don’t do it because her sexual past makes you feel inadequate. If she thought you were inadequate she wouldn’t be dating you.
Bro bodycount of 22, at the age of 22 is insane💀
She’s now in a position of apologizing to you for something she was involved in before she was with you. Think about how helpless she must feel.
I say this to everyone. There is something freeing about knowing it’s futile to be the best, the biggest, the hottest and/or the richest. She loves you for you. And how you can be better than two guys is the fact that sex with a partner is about both the physical and the emotional. Threesomes are almost purely physical. Tons of fun? Sure. Best sex you will ever have? No.
If you’re gonna cry every time you can’t measure up to someone or something you’re not in any condition to date.
Brother if this is a boundary you have that she crossed then leave. It’s always going to mag at you no matter how long you’re together. The people in here telling you to grow up is bullshit. It’s your life not theirs. I can tell you right now I personally would not date a woman if I knew she’d been with two dudes at once or an insanely high number of dudes either. Those are my boundaries and my preferences and fuck anyone who tries to shame me for them. We are all entitled to them. So think long and hard about your future and whether you can be with a woman like this. And ask yourself, what else could she be lying about?
i mean 22 people you had to have assumed that was a very high possibility
what future say?
I mean she lied multiple times about it so I’d end it off that alone.
Speak with a therapist. Having this kind of reaction to your girlfriend’s sexual history is not normal.
If it bothers you, then you need to break up with her.
There are many people in here that have and will continue to admonish you for your feelings around sexual experience, but it’s important for you to consider what YOUR personal values are around this and what you’re willing to accept in a parter. Everyone has different standards for this kind of thing and that’s okay!
If a high body count or threesomes is something that’s a deal breaker or causing you extreme anxiety, then you need to really think on your relationship and how to move forward, because these feelings put BOTH of you in a difficult spot.
For her, she probably feels serious shame/guilt around it from seeing the way you’ve reacted to this info.
For you, you’re left with this feeling of inadequacy that is now exacerbated to a higher degree and you cannot unlearn what you know.
Neither of these things are fair for either of you to be experiencing within a relationship and will eventually lead to resentment, a continued lack of trust, and eventually the end of the relationship. She doesn’t deserve the shame from your end for her past and you can’t change what’s already happened.
Ultimately, you are the only one who can make the decision as to what you are and aren’t okay with concerning your personal standards for these types of things, and a decision needs to be made before moving forward. No sense in continuing to hurt yourself and her throughout it all.
I personally don’t think you’re *insecure* for feeling weird about the thought of your girlfriend being dicked down by 2 guys at the same time.
Maybe I’m insecure too, but 22 at 22 is absurd.
People are giving it to you rn simply because the post dances around the topic of slut shaming. I’ve learned that’s an incredibly sensitive topic here on the ol Reddit 😂
For real tho, you’re entitled to your opinion that her taking 2 guys at once in her past or her body count isn’t your preference and suitable for you. I’d agree that it’s tough imagery to imagine your girl getting trained. That would likely be a dealbreaker for me too, more so than the body count itself tbh.
But you can’t just wallow in the middle. You’re gonna be the most miserable that way. You need to make the choice – is she herself worth looking beyond her past and swallowing your pride? Or will you stay true to your principles (which you probably didn’t realize, but your reaction tells me your principles). You gotta make a choice.
22 bodies at the age of 22 🤣🤣 Streetz
Just break up and move on dude. If you want a girl that’s less of a sloot then clearly she’s not what you’re looking for
God, the victim blaming here because he broke down after finding out she always lies to him and was a college bicycle
He’s entitled to his feelings and should be able to expect some sympathy rather than saying how weak cos he cried, you don’t own her, she’s entitled to a past blah blah
My advice is a mix of everyone’s but with a bit more harsh realism. I see my younger self in this message.
In your defense, she lied.
In her defense, she’s human, she shouldn’t have lied, but she cared about you. You kinda proved her right, thats all it took to break your love for her?
Realism: it’s 2023, and you’re not 18 anymore. Any women youll meet and date has taken at least 2, 3 or 17 doses of hot, hard, pipe. The WORST and least attractive thing you could do is break down. Avoid that now and in the future for so many reasons.
1.) Insecurity and weakness is not sexy. You “compare to a threesome” by laughing it off. You have her now. Her king of kings is crumbling on his knees because of peen she took 4 years ago. Yikes, those men have you in a choke hold worse than the one they had her in?
2.) Intimacy rules all. If you show her you can take whatever thought, story, or complexity she throws at you, you’re king. You will never be the hottest, biggest, tallest, wealthiest man she will come across in your life but if she knows you’re comfortable you get access to her true mind and thoughts. Right now, she obviously has a filter up, that separates the real her from the real you. Best thing, the less she hides to more you get to evaluate the real her.
If you can’t handle it leave, protect your heart. The more beautiful the woman, the more likely these scenarios are, women are allowed to have fun, and are kinda better at it.
Stay strong sir, you’ve got this. No offense, I just know the path you’re leading down. This is how I treat my little brothers and cousins. Tighten up, sincerely.
Personally I don’t understand the issue. She admitted that she didn’t say anything because she knew it would mess with his head. Sound like she made the right call. Lying is bad, I get that and agree, but, it sounds like she was trying to save OPs feelings. I commend her for that much.
I simply don’t know why and who she’s been with matters. I’ve been with a few ppl my wife has been with a few ppl but we are together now and have been for years. I literally don’t remember most of those experiences because of the fact that they were so long ago. IMO stop overthinking and be the best SO you can be. Sincerely and honestly learn (if you don’t already know) what gets her rocks off and then that threesome and the 19 other ppl (think I did that math right 22- threesome-OP=19) will fade into her memories and be just that, something she did in college when she was young and had the chance to be wild.
Thank you for the laugh OP. “I immediately cried. Very hard” 😂
Guys – be freaks in bed
Also guys – please don’t have any experience other than me
She can’t fix your insecurities; that’s on you. If you are the type of person who is constantly comparing yourself to others, you will be crying all the time. The 3some happened years ago. Instead of focusing on the past, why not enjoy what you have now and drop the insecurities crap.
I’ll be blunt here: It doesn’t matter if you’re the “best” she has ever had in the bedroom. You’re the total package she wants in her life, and you don’t have to be the very best ever at every category of being a boyfriend to be what she’s looking for in a partner. You really can’t spend your relationship comparing yourself to people from her past. She is with you now for a reason, and you need to keep that in mind.
Did you still show her the raccoon?
Why have you had this same conversation many times?
Just dump her. We all have standards we hold ourselves too. If this is a deal breaker, accept it. If you want to keep her, deal with it. If the lack of chastity and the differing views of intimacy with sex bother you so much, that isnt a bad thing. If you’re grossed out, that isn’t a bad thing. She doesn’t deserve to be judged and you don’t deserve to be lied too, and you’re too young to deal with this.
Are you hurt because she lied, or are you hurt because you now feel inadequate compared to her previous sexual partners?
Its possible you are hurt from both. Let me just say, what she did before you two started dating is NONE of your business, and if you respected her as a person you’d understand that what really matters is how she treats you *during* the relationship. You’re young so I understand you might not have much experience but realize no relationship lasts forever and dating is meant to better prepare us for the next person. If her having one threesome in college before you met her bothers you that much, then end the relationship. This might not be the words you *want* to hear, but it will help you in the long run. Godspeed
It seems like the lying bothers you less than the threesome which is probably on reason why she hid it from you. Also, would you have burst out crying if she told you right off the bat? Or is that more so because of the lying? If it’s the threesome (which to me seems most likely because you compare yourself to them), then it’s a large overreaction and probably why she didn’t tell you before.
Not sure why everyone is telling this guy to grow up/get over himself. These insecurities come from a lifetime of learned experiences and perspective. It’s not just going to poof vanish. Everyone has different views on sexual history, and how much it means to them on a personal and relationship level.
For anyone else reading this, don’t let anyone tell you what boundaries you’re allowed to have, or that you should feel lucky that you’ve been lied to. You don’t need to stay in a relationship with someone who has irreconcilable differences with you. And you can absolutely require honesty about that from the beginning. Otherwise the other person is wasting both people’s time.
That being said OP, don’t try to trap her in this situation if you aren’t able to get over it. Just move on and find a better situation for both of you. Everyone deserves their version of happiness.
People are going to bash you for this saying that you need to get over it or you’re insecure. Truth is we all have our own values and expectations from your partner. We tend to idealize them into our beliefs. You have a right to feel upset, don’t let anyone tell you different it’s a natural human emotion. Here is the thing you have 2 choices: find someone with similar beliefs that doesn’t trigger your anxiety or you can stay in the relationship work on yourself adapt, work towards forgiveness and acceptance. Here is the thing in order for a relationship to work both partners must work on themselves and grow together. You’re young and have a lot to learn and experience. Just because one relationship doesn’t work out then you get to learn what you want from a partner. Best of luck
Find someone else, u will not get over it
This movie was called “Chasing Amy”
Yikes. Run as fast as you can!
Congratulations on dating a female empowerment activist.
Idk why 90% here are so quick to dismiss it and say “why do you care?” For some people that might be a deal breaker and its everyone’s right to choose to draw the line where they are comfortable and if something in a partners past crosses that line you have a right to know. Not to mention she lied about it, so I have no clue how half of u self serving morons keep saying “iTs In ThE pAsT”
Too many threesome threads lately wtf
Around 22. Heavy quotations on around.
22? She got more bodies than 21 savage.
Two d’s doesn’t make sex good. Intimacy makes sex good. You should believe her when she tells you it’s the best with you.
You don’t own someone’s history. People come to you as they are. She is the same person you loved yesterday. Nothing has changed.
Watch Chasing Amy. Learn from it.
I don’t understand why everyone is talking about it not being possible for people to have low body counts and be freaky in bed. The point of a relationship is to grow with each other; and that includes sex. You could learn how to be freaky with someone and still have a low body count. You don’t need to sleep around to get to that point in bed.
Make sure you own your insecurity and tell her the reason you’re upset is because of your insecurity about measuring up, otherwise you’ll make her feel shamed about it and it’ll affect your dynamic negatively
Unfortunately this is just one of those things you’ll have to deal with in life. Many men feel it, it’s kinda biological to some extent, ya just gotta try deal with it and make sure you don’t blame the girl.
You’re young, you’ll get used to it eventually. The more you build your self respect over time the more that feeling will dissolve and matter less
Unpopular opinion but if that was your “reaction” I would of lied and hid it from you to man.
Real talk, you are not mature enough to be in a relationship.