Hi all!
I grew up in a very religious family, and I’ve always had a problem seeing sex as pleasurable. Masturbation was a sin, and I thought I would marry as a virgin.
I became agnostic during university, and started to believe that sex was a “right of everyone”. Still, I did not orgasm until 29 years old, and that just happened because I bought a sex toy.
I always thought that sex existed as an “obligation” and I always felt I did it for my partner.
My husband and I have been married for two years and together for a total of four. I have always faked orgasms so he wouldn’t feel bad, and also because we have such a great connection and he is an amazing guy. Everything else is great with him, except sex. And I thought I could live without good sex.
It turns out that I don’t think I can really. I want to experience organismic sex beyond masturbation. I want to have amazing sex and connect in a deeper level.
But I don’t know what to do to get things better. If I tell him I’ve been pretending he will be really hurt. But at the same time, he thinks he’s great at sex but he’s not.
I’ve been trying to sound less “enthusiastic” when we fuck but I don’t think he got it. I also feel that he tries to give me pleasure but I just get out of patience as it doesn’t work out.
I also have significant barriers that come from my religious upbringing, and I’m working hard to overcome that.
I’m also learning a lot about myself, but I don’t have a lot of experience and I am not sure how to give directions and if I don’t know them myself for sure. But I also wish he would approach things with more curiosity instead of assuming our sex is great.
Any tips on how I can get our sex better? Or how I can communicate we need improvements without breaking his heart?
5 comments
Start by not thinking sex is obligation. It is not. It can be fun. You noted you masterbate. I would ask what you think about doing that? This could be the basis of a fantasy. Talk to your husband about your fantasies and find out his. Research on how to do these activities. Key is find what you like.
Imo you need to talk to him. Its a bit of a difficult subject but if he is as great as you say he is he will (at minimum)eventually come around and understand the task at hand. From there i would recommend doing research/reading! There is a lot of healthy sex leaning/advice books for all genders. Both of you could read some and Once in a good healthy starting place it will be so fun to explore each other and learn with and from each other. I personally find that journey very addicting so who better to have it with then your husband!
You have to stop faking orgasms. Now.
He thinks what hes doing is getting you off because thats the lie youre telling him, and after 4 years together and 4 years of you faking it he probably thinks what hes doing is what you like and what works for you. This is poison to the possibility of improving your sex life.
If you don’t want to come clean about having faked for years, you need to start changing things up in the bedroom. If you don’t know what it will take yet to get to an orgasm you need to take charge and try things out, switch positions, tell him you want it hard, or slow, move your hips to change the angles. You can probably figure this out without telling him but its going to be harder than it would be anyway.
And to repeat. Stop faking orgasms now. If he asks you if you got off, tell him the truth, that you had a great time but you werent quite able to get there.
Life is too short to commit to anything for any length of time , whatever your desire is , attempt it , act on it , pursue it, it may or may not work out but life is all about trying, so that is my advice to you, take a small step out on the water and see how it feels .
Sex starts beyond bedroom. I think sex is natural result of “foreplay” that you are doing during the day. Be more sweet with other, touch, kiss, hug, text, … this should happen throughout the day. And when the evening comes, good sex will follow. Because pleasure comes from our brains … if you were doing these small steps throughout the day, you will be emotionally ready for sex and your sex will be good as a result.
Second, just speak to him, if you fee shy speak to him openly, just say that during sex, I mean say what makes you feel good while having sex. Like, if you like how he is eating you, just tell him that you like it, etc…
Unfortunately some people are not expressive so, it makes this difficult, (you can never guess what is in people’s mind). Same with my wife, she usually doesn’t say anything, I have to ask her every time if she likes or not etc.