Let me know if there is a better place for this. I just need a place to say out loud the things I keep inside about my marriage. I’m miserable. I’ve been married for 38 years, happy for just a few of those. The early years were the best, then we had children (which are the joy of my life). While my wife always struggled when things got stressful, having children pushed her over the edge. She is mean and angry most of the time. Horribly disrespectful. Used sex as a weapon. She had no friends, her family keeps their distance, and her workmates don’t like her. We tried counseling, but she cannot/will not change. I wanted to leave her… believe me I had one foot out the door several times, but the thought of my children being at her mercy kept me in the marriage. I vowed to become the buffer for my kids, with the plan to depart the marriage once they were out of the home and on solid ground with their lives. My kids don’t like their mother much and it’s obvious to her that they like me WAY more. This just makes her ever more depressed and resentful. So I was the buffer and lordy I paid plenty for it. My wife thought I should always be on her side of every argument she had with the kids, even though she was totally in the wrong. I could not betray my kids trust so I stood up for them. Things got ugly many, many times.
My kids are now on their own (yea), but then my wife was diagnosed with a neuro disease (not related to her foul moods). It’s not the kind of disease you die from. You die with it as your quality of life erodes. So now I am her caretaker (say it’s not true!!!) and would look like a total asshole if I leave her. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me other than my kids. But what they think of me is paramount and thus I am still married to a horrible person.
I hate my life. Regards.
3 comments
God that sucks, I’m so sorry, you deserve so much better. Life isn’t simple is it? I hope one day karma shoves a dollop full of happiness your way and you get a second chance at love. You’re a great guy for sticking around but it seems so wrong – you only get one life..
OOF. Man, just the cherry on top with her illness. I feel like I can clearly picture this woman and have met many upper-middle aged angry women with cowering husbands and kids. So sad.
I think this is a good example of why you can’t just allow for bad behaviors in your marriage, allow yourself or your kids to be treated poorly. One day you wake up and realize that it’s been this way for a decade and it feels so engrained that getting back to what it was like before just seems impossible.
Are you ever honest with her? Do you tell her, “Hey, you’re being absolutely horrible here. You’re being horrible to me, to our kids. This is why we can’t maintain friends. You need to get a hold of yourself.”
Do you tell her when she’s being selfish, or do you just take it? I agree that at this stage and especially given a neurological disease, the odds of her changing seem extremely slim, but I’m always curious as to how things got to this stage. I gotta assume that fighting when these behaviors start is so important. You can’t just accept them. Spouses need help seeing how they’re acting sometimes.
But as for what to do, idk man. I’d probably talk to your kids candidly. “You all know that it’s been a big challenge with mom over the years. Now that you’re adults, I’ll be honest and tell you that I was really holding it together for your sakes, out of a desire to protect you from her. But not I feel so much guilt over the prospect of leaving her.”
Let them brainstorm with you. Maybe they’ll help with care. Or maybe they’ll ease your mind on the prospect of leaving her. What’s worse, the idea of staying with her as her caretaker for the rest of your days, or the idea of spending half of your assets + in divorce? Perhaps with no income, she’ll qualify for state assistance to get the care she needs.
Those are my thoughts. I do feel for ya.
Have you asked your wife if she wants to be married still?