Me (f20) and my ex (m21) split up a few days ago after a 2 year relationship for good reasons. We had a lot of fights recently that led up to it. He texted me in the evening after my birthday party when he suddenly became distant and hid in my room and left without a word in the morning. We shared our reasons, said goodbyes, wished each other the best and that was it. However, it really doesn’t feel like closure at all. If i had to go through a breakup i always wished it would happen in person because you can’t really express everything via text. I just wish i could see him just one more time and hug him and say goodybe but during texting i wasn’t in my right mind and just wanted the pain to end. It just doesn’t feel right. I still have a lot of love for him even though the fights we had really broke my heart. I just don’t know if i should text him and ask for one more meetup and to properly say goodbye or to let it go. I think he probably feels the same but i don’t know if it would make it worse or not
Thank you for reading, i appreciate every input on this
TLDR:
Me (f20) and my ex partner (21)split up after 2yr relationship via text but it feels wrong and i would like to say goodbye in person but don’t know wether to text him again or not
29 comments
You don’t want to say goodbye, you want to try and negotiate the ending in your favor.
I read your TL;DR and duuude i relate so much. I wanna reach our SO BAD but i just don’t know where she stands and im so afraid of getting yelled and ruining everything more than it is 🙁 let me know what you end up doing and how it goes, best of luck
the answer to these kinds of questions is always: let it go
commit to doing better next time
There is only two reasons to meet up. To have sex one last time, or to negotiate the breakup.
The biggest thing I learnt at 19 (25 now) is that nothing, and nobody will ever give you closure. Closure is a fake thing we created to feel like we have control over things. What you really need right now, is not to see your boyfriend, but to try and gain acceptance. Accept it is over, accept a breakup means he is no longer in your life for a great deal of time (possibly forever).
Please remember this forever and ever: ***Closure will never come from how things went or someone else. Closure will come from acceptance.***
Short answer: Do not text, do not meet up, do not talk to him.
Leave him be. I get it, it sucks but sometimes that’s just how it is. Closure comes from acknowledging and accepting that.
Closure comes from you accepting its over, and you received closure when ending the relationship. If you have hopes that you can work it out there is not anything wrong with that, but be honest with yourself and him.
Why would you want to go through another painful goodbye? I doubt you would leave that meeting feeling like it was worth it.
I know everyone is advising the opposite, but it can be extremely healing to have a proper goodbye in person. I’ve had the experience of this with the majority of my exes. I still love these people and hold them close to my heart. You two chose to spend a portion of your limited time on earth together, you chose to be vulnerable despite the pain it might cause, I say honor your feelings and honor your relationship with this person by giving it a small funeral, mourn together for a moment.
No contact rule, that’s how you get over breakups with people you care about.
I waited five years post breakup and walked into his dream job office in combat boots: got my closure he will never forget me standing in the middle of his office.
Also heard a great story about a woman stapling her exes dirty clothes onto the floor because she hated doing his laundry.
* yes it helped and no harm came to anyone
You have every right to ask to get your needs met (as long as you don’t manipulate or lie to do so). He is a big boy and can then make his choices. But if he says no – then drop it.
*To be clear, I am not recommending that you reach out. Just saying that IMO it’s your right to ask.
No way it was our last night
– morgan wallen
Either you’re done or you aren’t, pick one
LET IT GOOOOO LET IT GOOOO
If your goal for reaching out to him this soon is to further discuss your past romantic relationship, then you should absolutely let it go. You and he both explained to each other why you no longer want to date. You understand. There’s no room for negotiation. You have gotten what is defined as closure. Modern technology and good communication skills allowed you to have an actual conversation. You don’t need to see or touch each other to respect each other’s decisions. You know he meant what he said and vice versa. You don’t need to read body language. Seeing him will NOT make you miss him less. This is the beginning of a break up and you need to let the stages of mourning happen without resetting. What you feel is not due to not seeing him. It’s hard because breakups are hard. Let it go.
I’m friends with multiple exes. So close that one has invited me to his wedding and I invited two to mine. I’m adding this because you don’t have to treat him as a stranger forever. Your next conversation just shouldn’t be about dating him. If you hope for a friendship then when you run into him or speak to him again, you’ll keep the conversation platonic. You’re not prepared to do that now so leave that man alone.
Gonna chime in here and say that for 2 of my long term relationships that ended “well” we had this talk. We said goodbye, and wished each other well. I do not regret it at all. I feel quite good about it years later , and hope they do as well. I can honestly say I could pass them in the street and not feel weird about stoping to say a quick hello.
Let ot go.
You’ve mentioned
We had a lot of fights recently that led up to it.
We shared our reasons, said goodbyes, wished each other the best and that was it.
That’s your closure.
No, don’t text him again. If he wanted an in person breakup conversation he would have had one. You’ll have to find closure on your own, not through him.
You can text him and just vent to him until he either blocks you or you get mad and say some mean shit and end it on bad/worse terms. You get closure and burn a bridge. Feels good sometimes.
You’re feeling are valid do it and cherish it ! It will never be another time !
I feel for you. Sometimes people rush a break up. Did you both really try to see if it needed to be truly over? My partner and I broke up 3 times the first two years of dating and have been super happy for the remaining two years. It took time to get used to each other and understand each other truly. We both realized we had really bad anxiety that was causing us to sabotage our relationship. Regardless if you get back together, closure could be beneficial.
There’s really no “right” way to do this, contrary to what popular belief says. Reddit typically prescribes no contact, lawyer up, hit the gym, but that’s just convention in one corner of the internet. You can really do whatever you want to do. You might find that it’s very painful, you might find that it’s very healing. It depends a lot on the breakup and the relationship and your own unique personality.
In both of my major romantic relationship breakups I was very unexpectedly broken up with and each time, seeing my ex-partner after they ended things was very painful *for me*. In one situation it felt good at the time but ended up just prolonging my hurt. I was young and didn’t have good boundaries and we went too fast into trying to be friends. I took that lesson with me. I’m going through a breakup now and this time around I really don’t want to see him yet. That’s just ME, however.
However, in a more mutual breakup like what you’re describing, I can see this being a positive interaction. You really won’t know until you ask and meet up. Either way, just be kind to yourself and remember that there’s really and truly no correct way to do this (other than being straightforward and kind) and you don’t need to assign any moral judgement on your actions or decisions as long as you’re treating your ex with respect. If it sucks, hey, roll with the punches and keep moving on. No harm done. If it’s healing and positive, good for you!
Good luck either way.
I personally find that type of thing counterproductive. When you go to see your ex, even if you understand it’s over, that distance if you meet up is going to be soul crushing. He isn’t going to act like the same guy you know; the one that was vulnerable or open with you. He’s likely going to be slightly cold in order for meeting up to hurt him less. Because honestly, it will hurt.
You can ask him, but I honestly feel like he texted you because in person was too difficult for him. And yeah, that’s a shitty way to end something. But what’s done is done.
I’d vote for “no”, mostly because these meet ups just hurt like hell. If you absolutely have to, ask him. But understand he might say no.
If you are like me it will always bother you. You’ll always have the “what if” and if he’s not up for it then that’s your closure and you know. As long as you aren’t going so you can try to get back together. And DON’T have sex. Just makes it harder and end up happening again and again until it’s normal but then someone meets someone and it’s suddenly over and the still single person is left completely heartbroken all over again.
I would just let it go, mail him a letter if you want to but further contact right now will just serve to hurt both of you in my opinion. ♥️
Personally, being apart is the start of moving on. You don’t need to see them again. Good luck.
Do you have some unanswered questions that you feel you would like answers to before you move on? I agree with you the break up would have been better done in person than over text. If you do have burning questions or things to say perhaps you can do this if you meet up. It depends whether your ex would also like to do that or not. If not, I guess you could try sending text messages and see if you get any response. Whether it’s a good idea to meet up or not, you’ll only know once you take action. Whatever you decide, you will be OK, you will get over this in time and move on.
I think you just need to come to terms with the ending of your relationship cuz u said ending it was mutual. Unless he did/ said some things that hurt you and you just want to know/understand why he did/ said such things.
Or maybe you want him to apologize for whatever reason idk.
I did that ( wanted to say goodbye ftf) and we always ended up… tangled. Back together. I was being manipulated because I “ loved him” and it was a cycle. I was 18/19 and dumb, I realized it and had to end it over phone.
Always sleep with your exes. Its awesome.