As terrible as being bullied and excluded at school was, it gave me feedback into what I was doing wrong, e.g. not making eye contact, making too much eye contact that became interpreted as ‘creepy’ because it was basically staring, immediately asking to hang out with people instead of trying to casually and gradually build a relationship, ranting about my interests instead of asking questions and waiting for appropriate topic changes to express a thought or anecdote, and just generally focusing more on other people than on my own interests. Those were valuable lessons, even when delivered harshly.
Kind and polite people – the kind I want as friends – never told me what I was doing wrong. They pitied me. It was bullies who did; however, when I considered their input and actioned it, it helped me form connections with truly lovely people… but I am still the side-kick, the NPC. I still make people uncomfortable. Or I say things that weird them out or make me the punchline, even when I’ve thought out my responses beforehand. Someone recently told me: “I think you just misread social situations.”
But how can you learn to read them correctly? I’ve been trying so fucking hard but usually fail even while others make the most stupid, random comments and get warm reactions. Just the other day, at a comedy show, some guy just asked a couple in the audience “are you having sex tonight?” and people were roaring with laughter. There’s a popular podcaster who tells stories about people who shit themselves on dates. It’s so cheap, immature, and unoriginal. Meanwhile, I can tell stories I personally find unique and hilarious (e.g. the time my 6-year-old sister got her head stuck between stair banisters and the other kids buttered her head to help her squeeze out), and people don’t laugh half as hard, if at all. Maybe it’s my storytelling ability, how I phrase things, my tone, I don’t know.
And that’s another thing. When I don’t try to regulate my facial expressions and tone, they see me as standoffish, cold, or surly. When I do try, I am seen as a “try hard” because I smile, laugh, and compliment too much and come off as insincere. And I *feel* insincere, but being seen as mean when I am absolutely not is so much more painful than being seen as an insincere and awkward kiss-ass, and I don’t know how to find the middle ground.
I feel so lost. I have asked all my therapists to give me insights and action plans. Even the best of them told me that I am too focused on what other people think of me, that I have a vicious inner critic that is the cause of my frustration, depression, and anxiety. I have tried taking their advice and ‘accepting myself’. When alone, I can convince myself I’m worthy, lovable, etc. But then I step out into the world and get the same results. I have tried discreetly recording my interactions to analyze them later (audio only if it’s in-person or audio-video if it’s online). I gave them to my therapist and she told me it was unethical to record people without their knowledge or consent, even if was just for usage in therapy and completely devoid of any malicious intent. I get that, I really do. But how else can I know what is happening??
I am so tired of feeling sorry for myself. I want to know what I can *do*. Because right now, the only viable solution is fighting the urge to interact or contribute even when I want to, and just being an curious observer. But I’m choking on it. It makes me just want to stay at home and drink. But then when I drink, I feel happy and confident and want to go out and talk to people and hear about their lives, their experiences, and have a good time with them. I work up the courage to do that and people still think of me as weird. I make a lot of small talk, after a few hours I ask for their IG handles, wait a while, like their posts, and then ask if they’d be down to go out for coffee and get turned down anyway. Recently, I got invited to go on a group road trip for the first time and was both terrified and excited. It went well, but I’m high enough on the spectrum to recognize the looks they would exchange (e.g. snide smiles in response to something I said, raised eyebrows when I would apologize too profusely, annoyed expressions when I would get too hyper during Taboo, etc) but low enough to not know what else I could have said or done.
I don’t even want to be alive anymore. I’m so exhausted.
3 comments
I mean, I’m not sure how old you are, but I’m 25 and the best thing I’ve found is pretty much exclusively seeking friendships with other people on the spectrum. I’ll just never nail the social skills needed for NT relationships, so I surround myself with other autistic people who will also rant about their special interests and be very direct and empathetic in their communication. We go out to do all the “normal” things friends do (with accommodations for our disabilities!!!) and it’s super pleasant compared to any of my attempts to socialize with NT people.
I leave my social skills at “just good enough for an office job” and don’t push myself beyond that because it causes intense fatigue and burnout from the masking. I noticed you mentioning that sometimes you’re coming off as cold or insincere no matter what you try do to, and that’s unfortunately common with people on the spectrum, because our normal faces are flat and our masking is only so good (especially post pandemic). When I do interact with NTs, I reflect a lot of their behavior back, but it can be hit or miss on how they take it and that’s because they’re constantly trying to place everyone in a hierarchy, and reflecting back can impede that. I also have learned that a lot of the things I find absolutely hilarious they will not, no matter how great my delivery is. I haven’t quite figured it out, but I think it’s a just a disconnect in what they find funny versus my sense of humor, so maybe that’s it for you?
I did find a therapist (after years of sorting thru providers) who “gets” my struggles and breaks down social situations in a way that my brain understands. Maybe try finding a therapist that does DBT therapy and social coaching to help you process the trauma over time of not being accepted while cultivating your social skills? It definitely isn’t “just a vicious inner critic”- you have real pain and real concerns about connecting with your community.
Hi mate,
Your not on the spectrum most likely.
I know this might seem like I’m being dismissive of you but I have a very similar story to you and even a psychologist thought I was ASD and a lot of my life experiences were similar to yours…until about 6 weeks ago when my life changed forever.
I realised the root of my problems was emotional dysregulation. I wasn’t correctly processing negative emotions, I would go for walks, watch YouTube, plan for the future – all while feeling crap cause I was avoiding how I felt.
I didn’t know what I liked, didn’t know if I had any passions, couldn’t make decipns and be confident in them and worst of all my emtional connection with others was terrible.
I gave off an aloof, quiet, serious vibe most of the time or a snarky mean vibe or an insecure, anxious vibe. It was completely different to how I wanted to community in my head.
It took years to find the solution but in the end I did and every single part of my life has changed. My hair stopped falling out, I yawn and feel tired late at night instead of having every then, coffee actually works, I feel so much better, my relationships with family and strangers is so much better, I look a lot better cause I’m not stressed and on and on and on.
I want to paint this picture of where I was the first 24 years of my life and where I am now first so u know it’s possible. Cause earlier this year I didn’t. I was really losing faith that I could live the life I wanted, now every day I wake up I’m excited to be alive. I don’t need to watch some self-help video on getting up early and it’s benefits. I’m excited to get up cause I’ll get to chat to friends and feel good in social interactions, talk to girls, work on projects that actually interest me and best of all feel great most of the day.
If you want to know the things I did that led me to where I am today feel free to PM me, if this doesn’t like up with your experience then best of luck,
What was your parental support like, if you’re okay with talking about it?
Parent who was maybe not really there emotionally? Distant or disinterested?
IMO without a parental base you’re in a really stuck position, because parents are supposed to be like friends to their kid, which helps their kid have an ability to move on to other friends their own age.
Ie, maybe it’s not you.