We were divorced for 2 years. We discussed getting back together a year ago. I said I’d be willing to consider it but I had a few conditions.
He couldn’t have had any sexual partners during our separation. (I didn’t have any either)
We are to attend marriage counseling
He is to get sober
And he told me the next day he is going to rehab for his alcohol problem, and he asked if I could find the marriage therapist. It was a huge jump and I didn’t expect him to be so eager but we did it. First time I saw him other than kid exchanges or across the room at a birthday was in the marriage counselors office. We sat next to each other and we let it all out. Not fighting but just what we think happened and why it all happened etc
We talked. We reached conclusions. The counselor suggested a date night, just dinner or something.
So that night he picked me up and we got dinner. I asked him questions about work, but we mostly talked about the kids.
He was different. He was more attentive. He kept eye contact. He remembered more of what I was saying. He spoke clearer and slower, and his voice even sounded softer.
A few days later we did something as a family. We took the kids to the zoo but we told them we are just friends. I saw him around the kids and he wasn’t short tempered anymore. He was so patient with them.
He’s changed and I really love him again. We kissed for the first time in 2 and a half years today. It was just a little smooch but man I loved it. It’s been almost 3 years since either of us have done anything in the bed, and obviously the last time we did (and the only time for me) was with each other.
There’s a few things I would like to do in the near future. First, I would like to reward him. Not just for getting clean and being a better all around person, but for being such a better dad. I want to give him a blow job. It was always a hard no for me when we were married but, well, since he’s willing to change I guess I am too. I don’t really know how to preform it though so if any (ladies only) have any recommendations I’d appreciate that.
Second thing is remarriage. I want to marry him again. He still has my old wedding/engagement ring and I’d love to put it back on again but I was thinking of maybe getting a new one. It can be smaller but I was thinking of a different one because this is a new beginning.
Your thoughts?
29 comments
Go slow, and save the bj for his birthday.
And consider a prenup, so his future failures have real consequences for him and little for you.
BJ and openness to more forms of intimacy sounds good.
Remarriage should be a goal, but I’d take it slower.
I’m really happy for you…and him!
As a guy who is trying hard to change, please wait on the BJ. That’s too much too fast IMO for a guy who’s desperate. I should know, haha!
You need to see changes from him for more than a date and a day with the kids.
Has he made progress in rehab? How long sober?
Give it weeks or even months. A guy can be great for a few days or even a few weeks and then slip.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Congrats on the remarriage!! And as for the blow job go to the grocery store and buy a cucumber whole and practice on that and watch a little porn for different techniques . But honestly I think the best method is just doing it .you have to find what works for you . Just whatever you do try not to bite him lol
You’ll be fine
As for the marriage part , maybe go a little slower . You two are a work in progress and that’s great
Rehab and being sober is hard so keep a eye out
Good luck !
A bj is great but make is 69 . Men love that x10
I’d be very cautious about rushing into things, particularly because you said he has addiction issues. It’s very, very, very common for addicts to relapse. I’d encourage you to look into something called The Sinclair Method with him if you have the chance. It’s worked for several of my friends.
Recovered alcoholic here.
I would advise not considering coming back together until he’s had a year of sobriety…
Very happy for you. As for a reward, the first reward should be you telling him that you are proud of the changes he has made. Men tend to not get a lot of compliments.
Congratulations, I am currently working on fixing my marriage as well and I hope it has this outcome
Whoa. Slow down. Wait for a while. Make sure his changes stick, and aren’t just temporary.
Congrats! This is pretty awesome!
Huge congrats!! This is great progress for your entire family. Maybe reconsider getting married… perhaps you two will function better as exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend and could keep it like that indefinitely? You could even move back in together without re-marrying. Sounds like you have the kids now, why risk that in case of a relapse on his part? If you stay unmarried you can still have all the goodies of marriage while also maintaining the ability to walk away easily if you have to. Plus you don’t risk getting worse custody terms in case of a second divorce. Getting married later in life when the kids are older will always remain an option as well.
How long have you been back together? It doesnt sound nearly long enough to reach the conclusion you have reached. Slow down. Its easy to be different short term. Good luck but dont let lust color your judgement.
Definitely take your time. My parents tried to get back together when I was a kid. We got so hopeful. Did things together as a family and it was amazing. Then, one day, they weren’t together anymore. We were heartbroken. Take it slow and make sure this is good for all involved.
ETA: my dad is (29 years sober) the alcoholic in this story.
You’re moving too fast
This will be a total mind fuck for your kids if he relapses and you break up…again. Slow down.
That’s wonderful. So happy for you and your family.
So happy for you. Really hope he puts in the effort and it works out.
I see a story like yours and know I was sooooo close to losing it all. My wife didn’t divorce me but made it clear that I either got clean or got out. I’m happy to say that I’ve been sober for 10 years (Aug 9 was my sober anniversary) and am still married to my greatest friend and lover of 24 years. I still struggle with days where I feel an almost overwhelming shame for who I used to be. It’s not as crippling as it used to be but it’s ever present. I wish you both the absolute best. Support and encouragement will help keep him on the straight and narrow (a BJ would likely be greatly appreciated as well lol) but be aware that sometimes we stumble. It’s easy to love an alcoholic who’s sober but it can be really hard to love us when we fall down. As someone else mentioned, sobriety is a journey. It has its bumps and setbacks but it’s totally doable. I hope you’re able to move forward together and repair the damage that was done.
I know three couples that divorced, got thier shit together, remarried, and are happier now than when they initially remarried.
While it is obvious you still love him, slow down. Do the whole courtship/dating thing before making any decisions. Give him a year to prove himself to you.
I love this. I also suggest Al-Anon family groups.
I personally do not recommend getting back together with him until he’s proven that he’s dropping the alcohol because it’s making his life worse, as opposed to just winning you back. You took him back on the condition that he goes to rehab. He says he’s “going to” and you’re already promising blow jobs.
I’m not saying he hasn’t changed, but I think you’re jumping the gun on someone you had to literally divorce before any meaningful conversations happened.
I would slow down. It’s been over 2 years so why hurry. What changes have you made in the last 2 years? Did he have no issues with you prior to your divorce ? consider getting some pre-marital counseling. Have a third party understand your past and give you some advice.
How do you know he is working on sobriety? Your story sounds similar to mine and now that we are separated, I have now way to track what he is doing about getting sober. I have no trust in him based on all the hiding he has done with his drinking problem over the years and since leaving our home, he hasn’t said one thing about AA meetings.
“First, I would like to reward him…. I want to give him a blow job.”
We as women, have to stop thinking of sex as a reward system. Sex is an act of intimacy for both parties, not just the male. ENJOY IT. Even when you’re mad, ENJOY IT!
Rewards to actually consider:
Another date
Cook him his favorite meal
Cater to him, like a YES day (no sex)
Make him his favorite dessert
Take him to his favorite place
Give him a gift, something small but thoughtful
Praise his progress (positive reinforcement works well for sobriety)
Comment on what he is doing right!
The last thing you want to do is reward him for sex and give the wrong impression that 2 dates changes YEARS of actions that you were uncomfortable with.
Build the foundation before you build the house. You’re starting with the roof. Go slow, be thorough. It will cement his sobriety as well.
Best wishes!
Sneak in the next time he is taking a shower….
Don’t marry a drunk. Life is too short to waste it on a loser alcoholic.