Let’s call my girl Rory. Because I love cheese and I hope you do too, I’ll tell you guys that her and I are like this 🤞. We’re friggin soul mates, no joke, and I’ve known this since forever. We’ve been best bros since I can remember, and because of this I’ve always known all about Rory’s gender stuff. For the longest time I was the only one Rory could really be herself around and even though she looks like a dude, I started thinking of her otherwise. We’d hang out alone and she’d be free to dress up all pretty around me, just like a girl, with makeup and everything, and dang, was I ever into it. Like REALLY into it.
We’ve been fooling around for the last couple years but it’s only been relatively recently that we’ve been telling each other we love each other and that we’re committed. Problem is, she wants to tell people and I don’t blame her. She’s super sick of everything being secret. Rory hasn’t given me an ultimatum, doesn’t need to, I’ll do whatever she wants because I’m just that smitten.
The thing is, I know what people are gonna call me. Gay, but, you know, in the way that starts with an ‘F’. You can go ahead and say there’s nothing wrong with being gay but most people I know aren’t going to be cool with it. My parents wont be. It might damn near kill my grandparents.
If you’re woke, you’ll say I’m perfectly straight, but I like her dick and kinda hope she keeps it 🤷‍♂️…
Anyways, my parents have had a lot of negative things to say about Rory’s transition. I don’t bring her around anymore. She’s also in that very awkward stage of very obviously being a trans female. People like to poke fun and say a lot of rude shit. She’s had people hurl things out car windows as she’s minding her own while walking down the street. Dudes can be overly aggressive and mean. It’s not easy. I know some of that hate will now be directed at me.
We had a lot of mutual friends that have ghosted her or been outright hostile since she visibly started transitioning.
Rory just wants to live her authentic life. I wanna be right there with her, but I’m a coward. I’m afraid. My parents would go ballistic if I told them what was up. My brothers would never get it. My friends would never get it.
Going all in with Rory means leaving a lot of them behind, potentially forever. No word of a lie, that shit makes me wanna cry. I do cry. A lot lately.
I can’t give Rory up, but keeping her means losing everything that’s ever mattered to me. She matters more, obviously, but it’s still a lot and still so fucking scary.
I want to be how she sees me. Some big tough guy that’s not afraid of an ass whooping or giving one, but all this cuts a lot deeper. I’m not entirely ready, I don’t think. I consent, however, to her pushing me into the deep end.
I’m just wondering if any of ya’ll can teach me how to swim? Do I fake it til I make it? How in the hell do I overcome this hurtle? How do I become a body builder of strong wills and no giving a fuck? Because I’m going to need a metric fuck ton of that to see this next phase of life through.
TLDR: Trans gf wants us to come out. I don’t know how to mentally deal with the inevitable backlash.
11 comments
Would you be physically safe if you went public with your relationship, in the place where you currently live?
Wow. I’ve never been in this situation, but honestly you sound amazing dude. I think if you look inside yourself you’ll be the person she needs you to be. Love is love man, and in my experience when people see the real thing, they always acknowledge it, like it or not.
Not quite the same, but I was told by my GF’s friends and family that her parents would never accept me due to irreconcilable cultural differences. But they met us, saw the way we looked at each other, heard the way we talked about each other, and none of that stuff mattered to them anymore. They didn’t like it on the surface, but they saw how genuinely happy we were. And any parent who truly loves their child would feel good to see that, as long as what you’re doing isn’t hurting you or anyone else, then there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it.
You only get one life man. Spend it the way you want to, with the people you want to. No one has to like it, but if you own it, they have to respect it. I don’t know if you’re gay, or straight, or bi, or demi, but it sounds like you’re genuinely in love with the person you’re with, and that’s way more than most people can say.
I mean in the nicest way, hiding a relationship like that because youre scared of other people is kinda sending red flags, and I can get why she would be upset. A lot of guys will try and hide trans partners because of that and it does really feel like theyre trying to keep you a secret because they see you as somehow dirty/taboo, or worse than others. however in another comment you mention potentially getting thrown out by parents. so, have you actually talked to her about why you dont want to say anything? because if not she might well assume its the first which could upset her. also, could you be open with friends? i feel like that might prove to her you arent trying to hide her from shame, but because of actual potential issues
The big question here is whether you or your GF (or her family, friends, etc) will be able to support you if your parents do kick you out. If the answer is no, then the unfortunate reality is you and your GF may need to wait until one or both of you is independent before you go public.
If you ARE in a position to support yourself or get support outside of your parents… then I would say go with your heart on this one. It will no doubt be incredibly difficult to leave behind family and friends who don’t accept your GF. But at the end of the day, do you really want to be so close to people who don’t think trans individuals deserve even basic human decency? People who think YOU’RE the problem for loving a trans person?
You and your GF can find new friends, and build yourselves a new family that accepts you both for who you truly are. Found families are often better than blood families anyway.
If you cannot currently support yourself, and won’t be able to easily find somewhere to live, I would not suggest having everything public. I could completely understand her frustrations, but yours are just as valid. You need to explain to her that until you are fully able to depend on yourself, you cannot consent to making things public. You aren’t hiding because you’re embarrassed, you need to be able to ensure shelter first. It’s a really tough position because I’m sure it really hurts Rory. Your parents potentially disowning you is terrible. It’s a horrible feeling and I’m sure it’s better to not have unsupportive people in your life, but losing your parents while they are still alive is a really tough decision.
Since you still live with your parents, I’d suggest to wait until you’re able to support yourself.
Just as Rory has a right to live life in comfort, you too have the same right. I get that she wants to be exclusive, but you cannot risk getting kicked out of your home. You should bring this up to her, she’ll probably understand.
I would discuss this with Rory, The climate for trans people (especially trans women) is EXTREMELY aggressive, even outside of the usa. tell her about the concerns of family and housing. She has probably already lost a lot of people her life due to her identity and their ignorance, don’t feel any shame for loving her.
TALK TO HER!!
I always advise lgbtqia+ folk who don’t have financial independence and who don’t have a supportive family to wait for financial independence if they can. It never ceases to amaze me that parents could hate what they don’t understand so much they’d actually throw away their own kids. But I have to extend that advice to the partners of said folk.
I’m sorry but I believe you are way too young to even consider throwing your life away for a partner.
Yes, you might love her, but if you haven’t finished college yet or you don’t have a full time job to support yourself completely, risking yourself to get kicked out of your house, being financially cut off and isolating from your family simply for love is absolutely crazy.
If Rory loves you back, she has to understand going public can put you in danger. You don’t live out of love.
If you want to have a successful long term relationship, you need more than infatuation.
You need patience, commitment and understanding. And of course, getting a job to buy food, pay services and put a roof over your heads.
Don’t let love allow you to be impulsive because you might regret it once the rose tinted glasses stop working
Damn, this is fucking heart breaking.
Right now you’re going through what basically all of us (trans people) go through. And its not fair. No one wants to lose their family, especially for something they can’t help, and you can’t help who you love.
Personally i think you should talk with her. Know that this may be muddy waters though. Reasonably, your girlfriend may worry that you’re ashamed of her. No one wants to hide their love. Communication is extremely important which is why I think you should talk with her. Explain that you’re not at all ashamed of her, and that you want to be open about your love too, but it may be better to wait until you’re at least moved out of your parents. Be open and voice that you’re afraid of how your family and peers will react, because unfortunately people can be unkind.
You sound like a great person. A lot of trans people worry that cis partners wont actually view them as who they are, and secretly view them as their birth gender.
Whatever happens, i hope you’re happy
Is her family supportive?
I wish I could give you a hug and support you both.