Me and this guy started seeing each other and we hit it off right away. His personality was great, we had a lot of laughs together. Before things went any further when he spent the night, I disclosed to him that I have herpes, as I always do. I contracted it because someone with a cold sore went down on me so I have HSV1 in my genitals. He didn’t seem to mind too much, we had unprotected sex literally minutes after. I notice the next day he’s not texting me as much so I tell him that if he no longer wants to see me, to just be honest. He finally texted me back and said that he keeps thinking about the fact that I have herpes and no longer wants to have sex. I’m so hurt by this because I gave him a choice BEFORE we were intimate. I didn’t pressure him, in fact he was the one who pursued me in bed. He started kissing all up on me, was the one who took my pants off. I was just laying there cuddling with him. It would have been way less hurtful if he said no beforehand. 99% of guys I’ve disclosed to have had no problems with it, but NONE have had sex with me then had an issue with it after the fact. I’m just so confused like do I continue trying to pursue this or is it just over for us? He said he did it because he felt bad for me but I remember explaining to him that it wasn’t an issue for me at all because I’ve had it so long and none of my partners have ever contracted it from me. So literally nothing to feel bad about. I’m not torn up over herpes. I’ve had it 5 years so I’m over that whole heartbreak of contracting it. Why would he have sex with me then have an issue with it after the fact? Feeling so used and confused right now. 🙁
48 comments
He’s using it as an excuse so you will feel bad about YOU instead of being mad at him for being trash. Don’t waste your energy on him. He was never going to do more than this.
There’s an 85% chance he has HSV-1 from getting kissed by grandma in childhood and you can’t even infect him. He’s just using this as an excuse to not see you again.
You feeling used is valid because that’s exactly what he did. I’m sorry this happened to you. he was probably horny by the time you told him and just thought “f it”. Then had his moment of clarity afterwards & realized he didn’t want to do that again. It’s a shitty feeling but it can happen during casual sex for a lot of reasons. Try not to beat yourself up over it.
Move on. Who’d want him?
It’s possible he’s got a case of post-nut clarity.
I am sorry he did that. He’s a jerk who doesn’t deserve you. I’d move on!
Everyone seems to forget that even though you might be ok with something, the other person has a right not to be ok with it.
Some guys just want to smash and dash. This was his excuse for that
How much in advance did you tel him? If the answer isn’t at least an hour before you had sex, then it’s a bit on you. He could be less of a dick about it the day after but I get having something like that sprung on you and not fully processing jt in the moment.
I say all this as a neurodivergent woman. Does he know the divergence between HSV1 and HSV2?
He’s just using as an excuse right now because you disclose before the fact really He’s Just Not That Into You do not try to pursue you’ll just look like the desperate one which are not.
kudos to you for disclosing f*** him for choosing to f*** you still and then use it as an excuse to ghost you
I can’t remember where, but I read or heard somewhere when researching how to disclose an HSV diagnosis that a recommended idea was to disclose and then to insist on not having sex that same day even if the other person is pushing for it, to give the other person time to digest. I think because sometimes guys make decisions they wouldn’t ordinarily make when they are already jonesing to have sex. I’m not trying to say you did anything wrong and I think he’s overreacting and being a jerk, but in the future following this procedure might help avoid other jerks.
I once had a friend. At the time, he was like a 30yo virgin and had some self esteem issues about it. He finally met a girl head over heels for him. He planned a lovely outdoorsy getaway one weekend. When the tent was finally getting steamy from all the slobbering, things proceeded south and that’s when she gave him the heads up. He couldn’t deal. He wanted to. But he couldn’t. They probably dated 2 years maybe and they may have fooled around a bit, but by the end, they still hadn’t had sex in the traditional sense. I’d say he’s the asshole in this scenario. But despite all the numbers and safety figures, people can’t just process even when they want to.
I have a friend that I’m very attracted to. She has hsv. She’s made many a many aggressive drunk attempts at me. I’ve denied mostly on the grounds of her drunkenness. That’s icky to me. Not the hsv. But with the right amount of desperation I won’t be able to reject her advances and I know for a fact that I would be too worried after to have a second escapade. And I feel shitty for saying it because I understand the risk isn’t really that big of a risk.
With that said, I dunno if I vibe with this dudes story. It really could’ve been post nut clarity. It’s a shitty excuse. But humans do fucked up things. I know women that have also been post fuck assholes. He could really genuinely be nervous after the fact and it sucks. You gave him the chance to make an informed adult decision. It sucks for you. There’s no other way to say it. But what’s important is to remember that you’re still a person worthy of love and having your needs met. Sadly, this was just a detour on the path. Even if he didn’t intend to use you and it was his mistake, even then, your emotions are still valid and you have every right to be hurt. life sucks shit happens. But it’s not your fault. You played the cards you were dealt. I choose to believe that you’re a good and decent human who will find your other.
I’m a woman. But I would prefer to be told stuff like this before I’m over for spending the night, making out and horny, so I can make a more unclouded decision.
But also some men just hit & quit (and I’ve done that too) and maybe it has absolutely nothing to do with HSV or you.
It’s call post nut clarity. He was horny and was thinking with his dick. Then after sex his brain started working again.
I would let it go as you are better off without him. You did the right thing and let him know before sex and he carried on with it.
What an asshole .
I don’t know what the chances of catching it off a partner is but if you have been with others and none have caught it then I would say it’s low risk.
Please don’t feel upset over one asshole .
You are a very brave woman and a very honest one as well.
When you least.expect it you will meet the one man that will love you for life and this won’t be an issue.
I would not let that affect my decision to be intimate with my feelings towards a beautiful woman
There just wasn’t enough time for him to process this. You don’t think straight when you are about to get some. Going forward best not have sex on the very day you disclose this, even if the guy still wants it.
Post nut clarity. People sometimes change their mind, and thats ok, when they change their mind you just accept it.. To be fair, we dont really know if it was that.. Probably.. But yeah, you cant know exactly what goes on inside his mind.. I think one possibility is that he just spent a whole fucking day looking at his penis, desperate, scared.. Then he had a though for a moment “maybe I was a fucking idiot for having unprotected sex”.. That got him thinking.. That got him regretting..
I dont think he is an asshole, he is a human that thinks he made a mistake and doesn’t want to do it again.. I’m sorry for your experience but you can’t expect everyone to in your sex life to be 100% ok with it, before or after the fact.. Ignorance plays a huge role here, being horny as fuck too.. Id recommend you take your time when this happens again.. People who want to fuck will go to stupid lengths before actually thinking about it, so if you plan on having sex with someone, maybe tell them and let them simmer for a bit, a couple days even.. This may sound unjust but you need to realize that, even if its a shit situation for you, anyone who agrees to have sex with you is at risk, even if they dont realize it in the moment because they are too ignorant and need to google the next day what the fuck actually is herpes and then they see “oh, this shit is for life”..
You also would discard those who, possibly, actually want to dine and dash… Which would be a total asshole move, but then again, I may be giving humanity too much credit but I dont think those kind of guys would risk their “tool” for a one night stand.. Considering how much they think of their own fucking dick..
Move on and find someone better.
theres a symptom about brain disfunction. legend say man’s brain relocate to the man’s ball sack while man is horny. plus post nut clarity
His fault for not wearing a rubber on the first time
Dang home girl, you think you would have learned your lesson about unprotected sex by getting herpes, but nah.
OMG, you don’t hook up unprotected when you have herpes with randoms. Use your brain!!! All you’re doing is spreading it. It’s people like you who make it common and give it to everyone. He has every right not to see you again for any reason he feels. Herpes is a good one. If you don’t want to use protection, get into a monogamous relationship! You need to be responsible and say you must use a condom.
Why did you have unprotected sex? Such shitty thing to do.
People (not just males) really are capable of being caught up in a moment and doing something they’d be less likely to do in a more even-keeled state.
Regardless of the percentage of people that have herpes, I don’t think it’s weird for him to be freaked.
Guys will have sex with anyone once even if they know at that time they are not coming back again.
I have HSV2, so odd that he changed his mind after the fact. I usually disclose before the date in general so they’re in a clear mindset to say yes or no. Also though, definitely not worth pursuing because some people just don’t understand HSV and it would likely become a problem in your relationship with this person eventually. Best to pursue someone that likes you for you regardless of your diagnosis
Not sure if this helps you at all but….I (male) contracted herpes the same way. Now…I’ve had it for 20years. Multiple partners, a wife of 13 years and not ONE of them has gone on to contract it. Initially, you might get a few outbreaks, but eventually, you might be lucky enough to not have a single outbreak in a decade. There IS hope.
It would really depend on HOW early into the process you brought that up.
Before or after he would be thinking clearly? Because I can easily see someone not really considering what’s going on when they’re already worked up and I’d be f’n livid with my partner and myself in that situation.
You need to stop having unprotected sex with all these men unless you want to add to your STI/STD list
why would you have unprotected sex in the first place? How do you know HE doesnt have any STDs? You had sex for the first time and go raw; thats exactly how STDs spread. why not wait and get tested if you want to go exclusive and then fuck without condoms?
“Herpes” has such a stigma and it’s such bs because a lot of people have HSV1 and don’t even realize it
I have no tips about the situation, but i just want to thank you for doing the right things for safe sex, by disclosing this upfront, respect to you and thank you for that, i wish everyone was as fair and good as you are
Herpes infections are very common. Fifty to 80 percent of American adults have oral herpes (HSV-1), which causes cold sores or fever blisters in or around the mouth. Genital herpes, caused by HSV-1 or HSV-2, affects one out of every six people in the U.S. age 14 to 49. Genital herpes infections can be asymptomatic, or can show up as outbreaks of blisters or sores.
He was horny. His little head was doing all the thinking.
Then post nut clarity let the blood flow back up to his brain and… His truth comes out.
Is it lame? Yes. Should you give him another thought? Nah.
He’s concerned about contracting it and doesn’t want to see you anymore… only after having put himself at risk of contracting it. He sounds really moronic if I’m being completely honest. The best thing about sleeping with someone who knows they have HSV1/HSV2 is that they know their status and have disclosed to you. I cannot express enough how much this matters. Statistically speaking, he very likely has already come into contact with herpes even prior to you… he could already have it and not have ever had an outbreak. People freak out over herpes like it’s the end of the world and truthfully the stigma is worse than the actual virus.
Move on, even if he comes around this says a lot about him.
Well it’s up to him.im uk over 70% of adults have this in them
It’s entirely possible it just got to him the longer he thought about it. People do things all the time and later think, “That was stupid.” It doesn’t have to have anything to do with “post-nut clarity” or him being too wound up to stop. Just normal, human regret.
Don’t let it get to you. He thought he’d be cool with it, then later decided he wasn’t. It doesn’t have to be any deeper than that. Don’t ascribe malice to something that can be easily explained by simple stupidity.
Sorry this happened to you. I agree with many others he likely was never planning anything further than a hookup. People should be honest about their intentions unfortunately ppl fuckin suck. But hey there’s someone out there for everyone don’t get discouraged. You’re a human being worthy of being loved. Using someone like that is not only cruel, but very immature and irresponsible.
My gynecologist told me she’d rather have HSV than diabetes.
But OP I’m bummed for you that you did the right thing, had the adult conversation, was excited about the prospect of dating and then this happened.
🫶🏽 sending you good vibes
I did this exact thing once when i was younger. It was with a woman i had relatively just met and we ended up hitting it off, she was hot and one thing lead to the next. Anyway i called off our budding relationship because of the dread of catching something for life and she was hurt as you are and i never saw her afterwards.
I say all that to say i’m more mature now. I’m also more educated about gentital herpes, how pervasive it is but also how it’s something very manageable with drugs. If i had known then what i know now i probably would have stuck it out with her because our connection was that great to me. Talk to him and educate him and maybe he’ll change his mind. GL.
Dude was thirsty. You’re better off without a judgmental asshole. Forget him.
Honestly, someone who would be willing to have unprotected sex with you despite your telling them that you have genital herpes should be a big red flag. Just imagine how many times he’s had unprotected sex with other women who admitted to having STIs, or women who didn’t know they had STIs or simply didn’t disclose it.
Men are much more likely to get cancer from herpes than women, so maybe he made the right decision?
It’s Herpes Simplex, who the hell cares? Chances are he’s already got it, it’s estimated that 70-90% of the human population is infected with at least one of the two kinds of HSV. It’s not even that serious, most of the time it just sits in a nerve cell not doing anything. On the off chance he’s not already infected, he’ll get some itchy tingly scabs for a week or two and probably never see it again. Absolute worst case scenario he’s got that rare genetic mutation that allows it to travel up the trigeminal nerve (the main facial nerve) into the brain.
Strange that he only cared after the fact. I’ve never been so horny that it’s overridden my desire to protect myself from diseases. I think he’s just using it as a excuse not to see you again.
herpes isn’t a big deal and never should have been. the stigma is so wildly out of proportion it’s absolutely insane.
So he learned that you have herpes and decided to go raw and suddenly lose all interest in sex the next day. Guy sounds like a dumbass tbh
Yup post not clarity.
He’s allowed to think on it and change his mind.