(22f) have seen this guy for the past month; we fucked a few times. Each time I see him, we end up fucking for about 3-5 hours or the whole day. But it doesn’t matter how much we fuck how much head I give him. He just doesn’t cum. I have tried everything. All he says is that it’s hard for him to cum.

I have asked questions about what he likes and tried to do that. He has assured me it’s not me and that it just takes him a long time. But we have now fucked five times, and he hasn’t come once. What do I do?

44 comments

  2. PS: comment has been edited

    There was a woman I started dating and it took me six tries before I could come. She was 110 percent sexy, and we dated for a year after that. It’s a problem that just seemed to come out of nowhere in my 30s.

    A lot of women don’t come with a man. Which is sad, and embarrassing for the partner, and I think more women could come with a man through oral, even hand. But, I wonder if people think it’s a bigger crisis when it’s the man not coming.

    If you find each other sexy, if he wants your loving, I think you should keep on going, while expecting him not to come. For the foreseeable future.

  3. I’ve been there. It’s 100% not your fault. Penises are finicky creatures both for getting hard/soft and cumming. Mine was/is due to edging a lot as a teen.

    Past partners have been way more upset about it or even pissed off than I was. If she’s happy, I had pleasure from it too and she’s not at a high risk of pregnancy so win/win. Meanwhile they have orgasmed multiple times and should be enjoying themselves and not taking it personally. Yes, I was definitely into them. Personally I think it’s way better than cumming too quickly.

    Besides, male orgasms suck compared to female ones. The journey is way better than the destination, even if you don’t get all the way there.

    That said, some positions help me cum quicker such as doggie style. Basically the bottom front of the top is a good spot for me to be stimulated. Part of it also is not wanting to get someone pregnant. I’ve gotten better with that one with my girlfriend now because she can’t get pregnant.

  5. I have a weird thing where either I cum within the 1st 5min or I don’t cum at all. I can stop myself cumming if I concentrate, which I usually do, but it is like a switch happens in my brain and thereafter I find it hard to cum at all. Ask the dude if he holds back ejaculation early on. As a youngster I felt a huge obligation to last long for my partner. These days I just cum early and go long on the 2nd round.

    At first I thought it was the “death grip”, but now realize that it 100% a mental thing.
    Also, if a partner doesn’t seem into the sex I find it difficult to cum at all, and if she seems really into it I cum quickly.

  6. I was just with a women and this happened. I was turned on as all get out, freakin rock hard but no cum. We had sex for 3.5 hours, she came 5 times. It left her feeling really insecure, I could cum to safe my life, I was so turned on tho. Just happens, I call it missing my window. So if im having sex and I delay the cum shot I may not get a chance again, it just happens.

  7. When guys don’t cum it’s “he jerks off too much” when girls don’t cum it’s “he’s not doing it right”. This place is maddening.

  8. I’m the same way. It takes me a very long time. With my GF we spend hours in bed doing all kinds of sexy things. With her, I can only cum after I know she’s totally satisfied. After I know she’s cum enough a switch goes off in my head and I can cum but it’s never quick. A few hours at least.

  9. So I am in the same situation but this is the case: we are both in our 40s, so age can be a factor, he was in a long relationship before me with a very abusive woman( he’s a sweet ,gentle guy) so she mentally terrorized him to the point where he thought he had erectile dysfunction cuz he always had trouble staying hard. After a lot of mental care and confidence building he has no trouble getting hard but can’t come unless he jerks himself to completion so that’s the way we finish after he’s made me come numerous times and I am happy with that. Another factor is the many medications he’s on for pain, allergies, anxiety etc, I have no illusions of him not being turned on enough, it’s just a physiological burden we have found our own way to deal with. He may not know the reason he has trouble but I’m sure he knows how to make himself come so let him let you pleasure him as much as you can just for the sake of pleasure instead of focusing on the end result, if he needs to come, he will make sure it happens!

  10. It’s also hard to cum for me, but over time getting used to sensations of my partner helped. It can still be difficult sometimes. Reducing porn and masturbation helps (but may not be that easy when he’s getting horny and having sex but not finishing and feels urge to finish later).

    It’s very important that you believe him:

    1. It’s not you, there’s nothing wrong with you, he probably does find you hot and enough. I had partners feel insecure about it which really makes it worse.

    2. If he’s saying that he’s enjoying it, he’s enjoying it.

    3. Finishing for me isn’t really better than sex without finishing. During sex I do feel the urge to finish, but really it’s not overall a better experience. So even if you do find a way to make him finish, don’t treat it as “now we have to do X otherwise it won’t be enough”.

    4. If he can finish from masturbation and you do really want to see/feel him finish, do it with him or even just let him do it alone while he’s watching you or while you’re kissing. You seriously can’t think about it as you being not needed, or him having more fun himself than with you. That’s just not true. He wants to be with you and do things with you, and also he can masturbate as part of fun for both of you. There’s additional problem that you touching him may make it harder for him to finish, because sometimes changing rhythm or thinking if he’s not hitting you during this can stop it. Again, it can be good even if he doesn’t finish during it. And you may also learn how to jerk him and possibly finish him yourself but it might not work at first.

    If you can enjoy the sex and live without him ejaculating, just relax and be happy about him being able to go for hours.

  11. There’s nothing wrong with him. Some guys are just built like this. Worry about it is not going to help you. Ask him if he enjoys the sex lasting that long most guys who last this long do. If you don’t like it than he’s not the guy for you.

  12. I’ve been with my partner for 17 years and he only cums a few times a year. It still bothers me but he says it’s not cause of me, although it feels like it is

  14. My orgasms can be shy with new people, if it’s after 2:30am (for whatever reason, regardless of rest or local time), when I took antidepressants, any time I’m on psychedelics or drugs like cocaine I’m not likely to actually orgasm…

    Your guy might be on meds, might have excessive force “death grip” masturbation, might be jacking it five times a day when you’re not around.

    I’d ask him to maybe avoid masturbating for a couple of days before your next liaison, which might help a lot. It could be there’s some specific foreplay that really works, or he has a kink he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing yet.

    Prostate stimulation is also great. If he’s down you can insert a toy or your fingers, but just pressing on the perineum is great for a lot of guys. You’ll feel a little spot there stiffen a bit when he “flexes” his dick, that’s what you’re looking for.

    Good luck, go with the (o my) gods.
    [added comma and clarified]

  15. I’m one of those guys. I probably get off 1 out of every 5 times I have sex. It’s probably not you. The fact he can keep it up for you as long as he does means he’s very attracted to you.

    Another thing, the longer I’m with someone, the easier it is to get off. Maybe he’s like that??

  16. The usual suspects are present here: porn and/or death grip and SSRIs (death grip is mentioned 6 times (8.5%), porn is mentioned 9 (12.8%) times among 70 comments). No one ever seems to mention anorgasmia (mentioned 0 times) for which there could be dozens of causes, some of which are neurological, hormonal, dietary, and so on. Instead of reddit, your bf may want to see an actual urologist.

  17. If he doesn’t seem bothered by it, I would actually suggest letting it go. Treating it as a big issue is probably going to make him self conscious/ feel bad about it.

    If you both want to work on changing that, ask if he watches a lot of porn and/or masturbates frequently. It could be a case of “death grip,” for which you can probably easily find some remedies by searching online.

  18. An ssri (antidepressant or anti-anxiety med) orrr viagra or cialis can cause anorgasmia (inability or difficulty coming). If you’re screwing for hours, that’s a long time to keep at it, but he Is young, so it’s possible.

    Um, regardless though don’t look a gift horse in the mouth quite yet. Keep working at it but don’t stress it if He isn’t, and enjoy him NOT being a minute man.

    Sheesh, women, never happy. Too quick, too long lol (totally teasing you, I can understand wanting to give him that as well!

    I’m also a guy that can’t come every time, but it’s pretty rare I Mind, I find it rather convenient 🙂 I mean, the times I really Want to I can just fine, but others I just enjoy it all with no pressure to “finish” it’s only the last few years/latest partner, so fairly new to me but not usually a bother at all. And SURE beats having to worry about keeping away from that cliff!

  19. Sometimes there’s just a mental block. I’ve dated a couple people like this. One ex who came maybe once from penis stimulation (either piv, hand jobs or blowjobs) during muliple year relationship. He felt very self conscious about it and broke down on occasion out of frustration. Even solo it took a while. I kinda just reassured him it didnt matter to me and tried ensure both still enjoyed ourself, sometimes other stimulation can help such as pegging or using aids like porn to distract the brain. When he put pressure on himself it would make it worse. Think its more common than people think.

  20. I am in this situation. My friend asks what she can do. I simple tell her that she is doing all of the things I like and, if it’s not happening with her, then it just isn’t going to happen.

    She accepts this because I make it clear I am having fun and am no more aware of why I don’t cum than she is. It would be annoying if she were to keep asking what she can do. Bodies are weird and owners don’t always know why they operate the way they do.

    I can’t promise you that’s the situation with this guy, but if you are doing all of that stuff, it’s not on you. He is as responsible for his own orgasm as you are; in the sense that it is on him to communicate what he likes. If he has communicated and it doesn’t happen, he might just not have any clue.

    Don’t put pressure on yourself to figure it out. Just let him know how much you enjoy him and whatever responses he has are fine (unless they’re not because, for example, you are getting worn out). When he assures you that it’s not you and it takes him a long time, believe him.

  21. Does he smoke weed right before sex? Me and my bf are fans of the wacky tobacy and we’ve noticed a clear difference that when he smokes before sex he takes FOREVER to cum and when he doesn’t it takes him a Normal time

  22. My partner can perform for hours, and we love his stamina. He does not always cum, even though we are both well skilled, experienced and match perfect. Sex is a wonderful adventure, why focus on the final event? Do you enjoy your partner? Do they enjoy you and the activities you share? That has a lot of value. Orgasm is nice but it’s not the only pleasurable experience to be had. One might say it’s a very limited view to focus only on that one moment for a goal.

  23. This is happening with me. Im seeing this girl for like 5 months and never cum with her. To be honest, I had cumming like 5 times this entire year.
    I dont use antidepressants and im not addicted in porn.

  24. I was having seeing a guy for two
    months before I could make him cum from oral. I found it very upsetting. He was on adderall, diabetes medications, and has been a smoker for at 20 + years and recently lost a significant amount of weight. He had a lot of trouble with ED, and if he was able to get hard, he would lose his erection very quickly. It is hard not to take it personally when you are working so hard to pleasure someone and are not given much feedback or physical reaction. Also, pretended to not be interested in something up his bum, but every time I pegged him his eyes would roll back in his head.

    He could also only cum when jerking. I would have felt better about it if he would have a real conversation about it or give some feed back during the act. The position changing was an issue when he was hurting me and I asked him to adjust. But then he would lose erection.

    My experience has been that if there is not clear communication then what is the point? Takes the fun out of sex.

  25. Someone mentioned putting a finger in his ass for a prostate massage. But could also massage it externally on the perineum. I had this done to me by a chick when I was close but couldn’t cum. I was surprised at how easy I was able to cum. From what I understand the guy has to be well turned on for and the prostate to be swollen for this to work

  27. Maybe he masturbates too much or uses too much porn to get himself off. Tell him not to play with himself and no porn for a week. Then try again.

  28. Maybe he has death grip? Years ago, I had this happen with a physically fit, 20 year old man and he never came… ever. We’d fuck for hours and it was fun but sort of disappointing for me bc part of the fun is making my sex partner cum. Turns out he jerked off to porn a ton and it basically desensitized his dick.

  29. Sounds like he has death grip tell him to stop masturbaiting or buy a flesh light your vagina can’t squeeze him the way his hand can

  30. There isn’t anything wrong, it genuinely takes a few times before it happens. especially if he actually likes you/sees something long term with you! sex is a mental thing and if you have a lot going on up there you might not be able to get there. as long as the both of you are having fun it’s really nothing to worry about. (also don’t mention it, the more you talk about it the harder it becomes)

  36. Fucking for the whole day!!! HELL YEAH!!
    I remember those days mmmm 🤤🙃

    1. Drugs like molly cause this a lot, I literally fucked for the whole day and did not cum but honestly those were the best experiences…

    2. Having too much sex/masturbating can cause problems because it takes more to get the person off…

    3. Prescription drugs can cause some issues but usually those take away all sexual arouse so if y’all were still fucking, I doubt that’s the issue…

    4. Stress/OCD episode/other mental issues tho can affect arouse and orgasms. I know, when I am stressed out in my life, it’s very hard for me to have an orgasm!!!

  38. Depends on how much porn he watches too. It can make the real thing seem unsatisfying after a while

  40. Are u dating my ex? Lmao he could never cum and turned out he would masturbate too much n had a porn addiction

  41. maybe he suffer ‘deathgrip’ so an actual intercourse with women doesnt do anything to him anymore

  42. Some of us are just like that. Rest assure there’s nothing wrong with him, that he thoroughly enjoys being with with you and that eventually he might or might not cum, but that he’s enjoying himself anyways.

    Just don’t put any more pressure on him, and try to keep it natural.

  43. He needs to stop wanking especially as he has death grip from holding it to tight.
    If he doesn’t touch himself and only allows you to pleasure him then after a few times he should be able to cum for you

  44. I have male orgasmic dysfunction, which sounds like it might be what he has. It’s not well understood, but is believed to primarily be psychological in nature, possibly related to some form of trauma. There is also a high probably that he enjoys the sex act in itself and has orgasms “in his head” (it’s not very easy to explain in detail – it’s the sensation of having an orgasm, but not involving any physical expressions of orgasm, such as ejaculation and subsequent loss of erection).

    Primarily, I suspect that he might need your patience and understanding. Secondarily it might be worth his whole getting a few checks done, primarily to his prostate. Best to be safe and sure nothing sinister is happening, after all.

    But to reiterate: his inability to physically ejaculate is likely a quite difficult emotional and psychological problem for him, not for you. Don’t take it personally. If he has sex with you, he’s probably attracted to you. But, given the nature of his experiences it might be the case that he’s a bit unsure, nervous and embarrassed by it all.

    Not diagnosing anything here; it’s just a possibility. I absolutely recommend he gets his prostate looked at though – damage, infection and lesions can also cause this problem as the gland can swell, causing issues like the one you describe. Plus, the actual check itself is nothing like the nightmare most blokes tend to fear! Really quick, painless and probably not even that uncomfortable for most.

    Hope nothing’s wrong and I wish you two well, and all the best!

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