10 years, 2 kids and she’s gone

Ten years of marriage. I never once cheated. You cheated on me with loads of people multiple times and always acted like they were always just accidental mistakes you regretted. Lying so much about them all making me have to find out everything on my own before you’d even admit the fact you’d done it. Always trying your hardest to just not take the blame for anything you didn’t have to. Constantly just trying to hide the truth about yourself our whole marriage because you were afraid if I got to know you I would leave you. You’d get so angry that I couldn’t trust you. That I couldn’t trust anything you swore to me you’d never do again or that you swore to me didn’t mean shit to you. Yet you got the opportunity to try again and you tried so hard to get it again. And when I started to say enough is enough and started to stand up for myself you claim domestic violence against me and get our children removed from our home. Making sure you exit the worst possible way you can leaving me to believe you’ll return. Then just go silent. Say you’re getting better for our family for our kids. Then you couldn’t even keep yourself from getting kicked out of rehab because you’d choose getting fucked by some guys you just met instead of being able to do what was best for our kids. And so you run away and dont look back. Just giving all your attention to people who you can’t even trust. That don’t trust you. That you argue and let call you names and treat you so badly. Worse than I’d ever done. Yet you choose that over us. Your husband that gave you everything even when you didn’t deserve it. Your kids who love you and miss you so much. Yet you refuse to even call and just tell them you love them and miss them. That 5 min call would give so much hope and help to our oldest son who is struggling without having his mother on top of being taken from his home. And you knowing how that feels having your own mother leave you and not fight for you. Knowing the damage that does to a kid and knowing how you’d promised you could never do to your own children that grew inside you. And for what? For some dick? For some drugs? To be treated like shit? So you can pretend like you’re a teen again without kids and without feeling like what your doing is destroying the people who love you more than anything in this world? Because no matter what, you know what you’re doing. You can’t just pretend like the damage you’re is irreversible. Just like all the other things you had no problem doing. Knowing how much it would hurt people. Didn’t matter who it was. Never thinking that would ever be something that would cause you to not choose the temporary high or the temporary good feeling or the temporary pleasures that always held the higher value in your mind then anything. Because you already felt like you were never enough or that you’d screwed up so much what’s just another thing added to the mountain of shit youd collected already. Didn’t matter if I begged you and begged you to understand that you were always enough and that you were so much better than you ever seen yourself as being. It was never enough for you to know. Never enough for you to want to stop and see what I always could see, what your children could see inside your heart. I hope one day you realize that all the shit you chose all the time you spent all the love you wasted you’ll never get back. And the ones that needed you most and loved you most won’t ever understand why you didn’t want them or love them or need them. And all the fucked up shit you felt growing up all the pain you felt and never thought was fair that you had to feel. And wished your parents wanted you instead of everything they decided was worth their love and attention. Now your kids will know. Except I’ll be here. Giving them all the love I can give them all the love that was meant for you they will know. And itll never be enough to make up for yours. I’d rather give everything I’ve got and let it drain me completely until my last drop is gone before ever turning my back on our boys and letting them feel like they are anything but perfect and loved. It makes me sick how easily youre able to cause so much misery into our family for such insignificant pleasures that don’t last. So when you decide to finally grow up and your used all up and nobody wants anything from you anymore because you can’t even bare stand yourself and what you’ve done… Our kids will always be here wondering if you’ve even remembered them. Wonder if you even thought of them since you’ve been gone. Because they sure don’t think anymore that you miss them or love them. Doesn’t matter how many times I’ve told them you do the look on their faces as they cry to me begging me to find you and bring you home to us again I still tell them not to worry that you still will always love them. As I hold back my tears and hold my misery from showing long enough to hold them and rock them to sleep in my arms and lay them down. Trying to make it out of the room and close the door before i lose my shit. Knowing how broken I feel inside and how much more broken they feel fills me with anger and hatred for how selfish and horrible you are. All these memories of you that fill my mind with the person I fell in love with that created our boys we loved. And it kills me to know that youll never again be that person. I hope you find what you’re looking for. Don’t worry we will be fine. We will make it with or without you. And no matter what we always loved you. Just more than you’ll ever know.