My bf and I have been together for 2.5 years.
Covid relationship and given how cautious he is and the fact we come from different religions and backgrounds; relationship progress has been excruciatingly slow.
I recent told my parents and his parents have known about me from the start but they don’t know my ethnicity.
I’ve met his siblings and he’s met my cousins but we usually stay in our bubble of us two.
Our initial convo left me confused. He finds things annoying about me that he basically wouldn’t be able to live with day to day. Things such as whining, being over dramatic for comedic purposes (where exes of mine usually play along), carelessness (aka losing my wallet) – these are all a work in progress. Essentially it felt like a condition that needed to be fulfilled for him to be mentally “there” to envision marriage.
Second convo I asked for clarification. We’ve been together for almost 3 years. At our age he should know by now or not of where this is going. I love him dearly but I don’t want this to drag on if he’s not in it about what I view as these minor annoyances. I have tiffs with him too but to make it work I know we’ll work thought it.
He was taken aback and asked if I was trying to break up with him and I said no, I don’t want to but I don’t want to be lead on if he is unsure. If I don’t “fix” these small things we’d essentially break up. So in that case I will have to walk. Relationships are about improving as individuals and as a couple. So I asked which is it??? Do you see us married or no? “I think so” he said.
He rarely speaks in definitives and he said he didn’t want to lie to me saying he wants to get married but knows these annoyances are deal breakers for him. If things keep improving which “will be fine” and “we’ll figure it out” is what I’m then told. He told me not to shut down and be discouraged because he thinks we’ll be ok. But of course if it doesn’t then yea we will end it? I’m still left confused.
I’m all in with him and optimistic we can work through things because I wouldn’t want to problem solve with anyone else.
My bf has always spoken with uncertainty in everything because his POV nothing is ever for sure which gets frustrating.
I don’t really know what to do now… I do have another talk planned with him. We’re adults and once we decide we have to stick through it. Nothing in life is ever certain and far bigger challenges are encountered in life and marriage if he can’t deal now. I don’t know if I’m being unfair… I appreciate his honesty but I’m hurt it’s not a “hell ya I see a future but we got stuff to work on too” because that’s the page in on.
TLDR; bf feels iffy about seeing a marriage with me if things don’t improve from its mediocre state and my small annoying habits. Our relationship progression has also been excruciatingly slow. I told him I don’t want to be lead on and he then reassured “we will be fine” then proceeds to say we will see how it goes until he’s more sure???
4 comments
>He finds things annoying about me that he basically wouldn’t be able to live with day to day. Things such as whining, being over dramatic for comedic purposes (where exes of mine usually play along), carelessness (aka losing my wallet) – these are all a work in progress. Essentially it felt like a condition that needed to be fulfilled for him to be mentally “there” to envision marriage.
I’m not sure why conversations continued past this. He apparently doesn’t like you very much. Move on and find someone who loves AND likes you.
JMO
force the topic constantly with more ultimatims and drag these out to be at least 3 hours, you need to force your partner into knowing your way is the only way power is everything
I’m going to attach to this line here “My bf has always spoken with uncertainty in everything because his POV nothing is ever for sure which gets frustrating.”
And let you know you’re both feeling things exactly the same way about each other but from your own perspective.
Think of like this, he has his idea about what he wants from you to make you this ideal mate. You have yours.
You have made it clear what his ideals are, the faults he finds in you. In what I quoted from you, you also made clear what your you would like changed in him that you are having difficulty tolerating.
So here is where compassion is. If he was more certain maybe, maybe he was more guiding and a leader who was more bold who could grab you by the hand and take you to the place even you didn’t envision where all your dreams could be reality then you wouldn’t have so many problems with him and it would be a sure bet for marriage.
He feels that same way about you that you do about him. Sit with this in understanding.
It’s tragically funny that we’re more alike than different and we project all these things that on our partners that we have too and we say we’re not understood. Beautiful thing in a sadly funny way relationships, how they are mirrors. How they can help us to understand ourselves by seeing things in our partners that we do too. They can’t understand your side, and we can’t understand their side just because we’re so different but really still the same at the heart! Maddening!
If I have a suggestion, push your hands to the sky and scream for awhile at how it all is for us here. I’m sure you want the best for him and I’m sure he wants you to shine too and you’d both love to meet in this place of perfect happiness in the fullness of the expression of love and say “I met you here where you are, just like me!” But we don’t meet there do we. We walk each other there. That’s what we actually do and it’s a task. A big task we work on.
I want my partner to be strong enough to lean on when they’re walking me home to that place of ultimate realization during times I’m weak and I want to work on myself to be strong enough to hold them along the way when they can’t make it on their own. That’s our task really. Exploring and exploiting our weaknesses and strengths and different character traits, perfections and flaws until we can get along together and leave idealism on the wayside where it belongs, as a child’s toy.
When we’re serious, we’re ready to work. Posting here asking advice from strangers is a form of that work, it can’t be one sided, prod poke and cajole your partner to work too, I’ve made it clear what I see as your idea of his shortcomings, maybe it’s time you made it clear to him what you think, he apparently doesn’t have that problem with you.
I’d love for it to work out between you two, a meeting of two souls between social ideologies like yours is a challenge, needs work. You’re obviously strong enough or you wouldn’t have both volunteered to do it. Work it out together and walk each other home together to the same place, the heart of real love that we all obviously come from.
It sounds like you two have very different backgrounds and are not very compatible. You want to get married, but you haven’t met each other’s families, his parents aren’t aware of your ethnicity (what?! Is that even an issue?? If so, that would be a huge red flag, to me), etc. He’s noncommittal, but has clearly stated you need to make changes because he finds you annoying, as you are. This doesn’t seem like a great foundation for a lasting relationship. I’d worry a lot less about whether he wants to marry you, and figure out why you’re willing to marry someone who doesn’t adore you for who you are. Do not settle for someone who won’t/can’t match your efforts and enthusiasm for the relationship, and who minimizes and dismisses you.