Okay I need advice cause I don’t want to be a self-centered asshole but I also feel REALLY uncomfy about this whole situation.
So my husband and I were heading home from work today and were talking about a situation with a couple of our coworkers who are dating and having relationship issues due to acting too close to friends of the opposite gender. Personally we’ve had our own discussions about this sort of closeness in our own relationship as my bestfriend of over 7 years (we met when he was 12) is a dude. It’s never been an issue in our relationship and my husband has admitted that he knows we’d probably hug a lot etc if we actually got to spend time together in person again but he knows it’s legit just a friend thing. Also fair context my bestfriend and I never dated but we also have a history of flirting/mutual attraction throughout our teen years.
Well long story short, we were talking about the situation our coworkers were in and my husband goes you know I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something. Then he proceeds to tell me that he’s been wanting to get back into touch with a best friend that he lost contact with that just happens to be a girl. I was surprised cause we’ve been married nearly 2 years (together nearly 2 1/2) and he’s never mentioned a girl bff before but I shrugged it off to me being forgetful. Welllllll not the case.
He then admits that they were friends for about a year to two years in highschool and dated for a bit before breaking up and stepping away from the friendship. It’s been nearly 4 years since they’ve been in touch with eachother and he “misses her”. He then goes to explain that they were super close and when he moved to florida (after they had broken up) she was crying when she found out he was gonna move. I also found out this is the same ex that I found old love letters to when we were dating. He’s already envisioning spending hours playing games on video call with her til 3am like they used to (hey he said it not me).
I’m currently 37+ weeks pregnant and going to give birth soon so sex is gonna go out the window for us for atleast 6 weeks very very soon. I’m hormonal and probably overthinking things but him trying to bring this girl bff/ex into our lives rn is making me really uncomfortable.
I hate to say I feel maritally threatened by her but tbh I do. Am I being an asshole for not wanting them to reconnect? Should I bring it up to him? I feel like I’m being selfish cause I have a guy bff even tho me and my bff grew up together. Idk
Reddit do your thing ig
6 comments
may as well just ask if hed want a threesome with you and his ex, i know i would if i was trying to have two wives at once lol
So I’m kind of confused. You have a best friend you keep in contact with and you admitted that there was mutual attraction and flirting. He does the same and that makes you feel uncomfortable? Doesnt that mean that’s how he feels? He sounds like he misses and old friend not a old sex toy. It doesnt make much sense that it’s a problem because he wants to get back in touch with an old best friend but it’s alright for you to have one? See the hypocrisy?
So at age 17 they separated and went no contact, then 4 years later a strong urge to reconnect pops up out of the blue? I hate to cause stress but chances are that they are already reconnected. Which would mean he’s lying.
Doesn’t have to be a threat though.
I’m in midlife and my partner is in her midlife. During the “early” years she was still married, separated but the father of her kids was in the picture. It was my choice to make it an issue or not.
I put “early” in quotes because it was 6 years they were still married. He was out of state but his folks lived here and he’d be here visiting often enough to still be in the picture.
I had to put romantic shit aside and deal with reality of other people in my partner’s life having meaning for what they were worth. I had to wrestle with my own takes on idealism and put my partner and her needs first. Trust was never an issue here nor jealousy, just still though those nagging insecure feelings you have to confront.
In the end adulting was the way that worked out and it all played out for the best in the end. But it was a trip. One of those challenges in relationships I guess I was just ready for so I bit off and chewed.
Gonna be a lot of that in life to be honest. A lot of shit is going to come your way that you’re just biting down, chewing and swallowing fast. The alternative is it eats you instead. Get practice in wherever you can. The best people I know, and I hold a good many dear who are exceptional, bit chew and swallow dumb shit so efficiently to the point where they come out with their teeth shining brighter as a result.
This is a test you don’t have to succumb to in your marriage. You can absolutely bite down the shit you feel here and not let it erode your happiness. Chew it now, the next time and maybe you’ll find it passes in time and your teeth come out shinier in the end as a result of the chewing. I mean look at like this, the alternative? How does that go down? Crazy town. “I am insecure, super jealous and not handling this shit well, please fix my insecurity by not being such a dick!” Not gonna happen that way, not with the best of them.
Know who the “best of them” are? People that learn to work with all this dumb crap, overcome it and rise to the challenge and be bigger for it in the end. If it’s becomes a real problem later on? Fight tomorrow’s battles with tomorrow’s armies. Take pride in any victories and growth you make today with the challenges of today and pass that strength on to your kids. Here’s a challenge to take on. Let him have his connection as he want, put your trust on the line, that’s what trust is something *you* have the power to give yeah. Flex that power and empower yourself as you bite down, chew and swallow. There will be something tomorrow to bite on regardless of how you do with this one.
Looks like he didn’t move on.
You’re about to have a baby and you and your child are going to need to be his primary focus. Adding a reconnection to an ex at this time would not only be difficult but potentially counterproductive. If he thinks he’ll be gaming until 3am any time soon, he’s in for a rude awakening.
My suggestion is to tell him that he can reconnect with his ex a year (perhaps two) after your baby is born as the two of you have to be fully engaged on getting your child off to a good start. He also has to let his ex know that you and your baby are his priority, and that this is a platonic friendship only. Plus he should introduce you to her.
Oh, and congratulations on your little one!!!