Married and moved to the suburbs but regret it. How do I go back while keeping my marriage. I F/25 and husband M/30 married for a year.

45 comments

1. Learn to drive. Get a therapist. Make an exit plan. Get back to being you.

2. You haven’t convinced me that the problem is the burbs rather than you failing to make it work. In NYC you worked your butt off. In the burbs you didn’t even learn to drive.

3. As others have said, make getting a drivers license a priority. How is your husband helping you with the transition from city life to the suburbs?

4. Sounds like you’re incompatible. Should have broken up instead of getting married.

5. I’ve hardly spent a significant amount of time in NYC and sometimes I miss it!! The city energizes you. I’d be a poor fit for suburbia. Sending good vibes. 🏙️🌆🏙️

6. A driver’s license would be useful but it won’t change your environment. I’m also a city person and absolutely despise being in the suburbs – I hate car culture, the sprawl, the endless residential streets etc. If NYC isn’t an option, is there another city closer to you he would consider? There might be a compromise between NYC and Pleasantville.

7. Why are you on reddit asking for suggestions? Every suggestion that has been made has been dismissed with excuses. Your not really looking for suggestions to stay you’re looking for validation to leave. So leave. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

8. Can you move closer to Philly? SEPTA has pretty good train access into the city. Philly isn’t NYC but it’s a pretty cool city. Also it’s a train ride away from NYC.

   There’s plenty of suburbs of Philly (in PA and NJ) with very easy access to the city. Maybe you can move close to a train station you can walk to?

   I feel like some of the suburbs describe what you want, look into Manayunk or Roxbury

   I wish you luck

9. Could you have moved to a more urban suburb

   There are some other places between NYC and Pennsylvania

10. Is it NYC or bust for you? Does your husband hate all cities or just NYC?

    I feel like if you took some trips around the country, you could find a city you both like. Cities in the US are very diverse with their organization, walkability, community feel, etc. If your husband is open to moving/living in a city (just not NYC), I think you could make it work.

11. Listen, I live in nyc, so you don’t need to convince me how great it is.

    Question is, why do you like it? You were working 3 jobs and none of them were good? How was your living situation? Besides walking 5 minutes to get a coffee, what did you like about the city?

    Honestly, your experience here doesn’t sound all that great.

12. Not really sure what advice you want. These are your only options:
    1. Be miserable living in the burbs, miss your friends, old life and fast paced pre-marriage life in NYC.
    2. Get your drivers license, try and make new friends, still miss NYC and hope for some positivity. Probably resent your husband for forcing you to move to the burbs.
    3. Move to NYC and be separated from your husband who refuses/hates NYC.
    4. Divorce and move back to NYC, live your best life, find a man who is compatible with your lifestyle and dreams.

13. Let’s put this in a different way. I grew up right outside of the city and now live in the mountains of Virginia. Living by the city was like being in a toxic relationship, it is crazy ups and downs. You had to work multiple jobs and I am sure your apartment was not that good. You where more focused on the thrill. Just like a drama filled toxic relationship.

    Now you are married, have a house and it sounds like you don’t have to work. You live in the suburbs. This is like a safe happy relationship. No drama, safety and dependability. You miss the need to fight for yourself and get let go and understand why.

    Now let’s go over the problems, you are bored, ok. If you don’t have to work, find a job or better yet find a volunteer program. I am sure there are tons.

    People have said it but learn to drive. Many of my friends didn’t learn to drive till they where your age and loved it. They find it freeing.

    About your friends, I will be a little harsh, are they friends made from enjoying there company or more like friends forged in battle. Are they friends you made along the way or people that worked with and learned to work with the chaos.

    Again, I know, I lived and grew up just outside of the city, just into New Jersey, I know whatnot is like. I visited my SO’s family and there were no blinds on the windows since the neighbors were so far away. It took me awhile to get used to it. You are going through culture shock. If you truly love your husband, fight for the relationship. Go therapy or couples therapy. This will help and get you to understand the root of your issues. I will personally say I am much happier moving. Life is easier and everything is cheaper.

    I will leave you with one question, if you had children, would you feel safe with life that you could give them in the city, the struggle to make ends meet, the working multiple jobs, finding good schools and parks for them?

    I hope the best for you.

14. My mom had always lived in cities before marrying my father. After they got married, they moved to the small town where he grew up and built a house. For years, she hated it. She hated having to drive everywhere, how few restaurants there were, how nothing was open on Sundays, and how she didn’t have any friends there. She constantly talked about getting a condo in the city or divorcing my dad all together. They had a big fight, and he told her to either leave or embrace the community and make the best of it. Years later, she had more friends in the small town than she ever did in the city. She grew to love her garden, her exercise friends, her card playing groups. When given the option to move back to the city, she turned it down. When forced to move to the city temporarily, she was relieved when they got to move back home.

    It may be that the suburbs aren’t for you, but it also might be that you’re not embracing or adapting because you resent your partner. You’re hurting yourself far more than you’re hurting him. I would try to fully embrace the suburban lifestyle for a while to give it a real shot. Get a license to drive and a fun car. Start going to therapy. Start a hobby you can’t do in the city. Get involved with the local church, HOA, or school or something in the community. Try to focus on the things you CAN do where you live rather than the things you can’t. For the things you cannot, figure out how best to recreate them.

15. Get Out Before You Get Pregnant!!! Trust me on this!!!! **LOOK AT MY USER NAME**

16. City: public transit, places to go, things to do

    Suburbs: libraries, random points of interest, local papers can be a guide to local events and library for that as well. It’s not as fun, but your value seems to be in experience of the world. So feel free to go and explore the area, find what’s around, there’s usually a reward for exploring these quiet ish areas.

    Personally I didn’t feel safe when I lived in a city, than again it was one of the worst in the country. After that I’ve taken interest in small town living. As for advice, seems you got a lot of help in the comments but I’ll try and wrap it up.

    Tldr, learn about your local area, walk, library for events, local newspaper? Media places, good luck!

17. Honestly, this sounds like a you problem. He did not force you to move, you chose it. You chose to not drive and in the US, driving is basically mandatory. I do not drive, as well but I am aware that if I move to a suburb, I have to learn it. You should be able to build friendships, learn to drive, do things for yourself – these are not your husband’s responsibilities. Also PA is not that far away from NYC and there are trains, buses etc which will help you to maintain friendships. Hell, I have a friend who commutes between NJ/MA weekly. If you wanted to keep up those relationships, you could have kept it.

18. Damn, your whole post is my fear lol. Have you guys planned on having kids? I think the reason I can ever move to the suburbs is to raise kids in a safe and sheltered environment where they can drive a bike, smell the flowers in the garden, and learn to know their neighbor and community. I love living in NYC with all my heart and soul but the thought of raising teen in the City is honestly terrifying. They’d be exposed to so much too soon.

19. It doesn’t sound like you’re compatible. Was this never discussed during your relationship?

20. As someone from NYC this is my fear when I move away. Honestly you should pick yourself.

21. Let’s be 100% totally honest here. If your relationship and marriage with your husband was good and healthy and you were fully on board with him then this would be something that you could make work or compromise on. But you don’t want that really. You want people to tell you you’re correct and that you should do what you want to. Which is fine, and I’ll do that. Leave him and go back to nyc and live happy. You have a right to do that.

22. There are only three options: live somewhere you like and he hates, live somewhere he likes and you hate, or divorce and live your separate lives.

    It looks like he refuses to do the first one. Take your pick from the other two.

    There is absolutely nowhere that offers both NYC and what the suburbs has. I say that as someone who lives in NJ and commutes to the city frequently.

    Either you’ve got some flexibility on NYC or bust, you’re going to be unhappy, or you split.

23. It doesn’t sound like you’re making an effort to be happy where you live. Of course you’re going to be depressed if you never leave the house, have no hobbies, meet people, or do anything you enjoy.

    Start with learning to drive. You’ve kinda dismissed that suggestion but you don’t know how much better that will make you feel because you haven’t done it yet.

    Once you can drive, take up a hobby, find meetups, make new friends.

    And there’s lots of options between NYC and the suburbs. Maybe just move closer to city center where you currently live?

24. Step #1 – learn to drive.

    You certainly don’t sound “too busy” to learn

25. How about an urban suburb like Manayunk? It looks kind of like Brooklyn but has a suburban feel at the same time, plus it’s outside of Philly and not ridiculously expensive like NYC.

26. I know you mentioned that your husband refuses to move to NYC, but does he know how you really feel about the situation?

27. Get your drivers license, go to therapy. Y’all seemed to be great in the city, but a lot of your problems seem to stem from not going out *at all*. In the suburbs, you need to drive so you can go and meet people. Don’t get stuck in the hole you dig yourself in, you can always get out.

28. Been there, don’t that. European in CT suburbs. We literally have NO idea what American suburbs are. Very rude awakening. TW: within a couple of years I found myself depressed, weighing 80lbs, thinking about unaliving myself. I’m out of there and doing fine but have ptsd from it. Start making plans to move back to NYC, you’re wasting your life.

29. my question for you is for what reason did he want to move to the suburbs of PA?

    was this entire uprooting something he had to do for work, or by doing so, was he achieving one of his life’s goals?

    because, if you moved just for his own wants because he gave you an ultimatum, I’d say that he already chose moving over staying in a relationship with you when he gave you the ultimatum of “take it or leave it. I’m moving”. so, I don’t think you’re at all in any obligation to stay.

    if where you’re living is absolutely unbearable to you and is crushing your mental health, maybe it’s your turn to give *him* an ultimatum?

30. I love NYC to visit. There is no way I could live there. Philly is a lot of fun and close to NYC. That maybe a decent compromise.

31. Fellow European that moved to the US for my studies, ended up getting married to an American guy. We met while I was living in downtown Seattle, so I was able to walk everywhere or take the light rail, which is basically their metro. We moved to the suburbs about two years later, then across the country and again landed in the suburbs. He had to teach me how to drive.

    Long story short, I also hate the suburbs. Yeah yeah, I know how to drive now, but it takes FOREVER to get anywhere, and car costs are SO damn high. 😖 Car payment + car insurance + car maintenance costs. Plus commuting costs, like gas and tolls. Ugh.

    Our marriage has fallen apart over the past 5-7 years by way of his substantial issues (anger issues, chronic unemployment/underemployment, financial irresponsibility, serious hoarding problem, past history of alcoholism, etc). We sold our house in the suburbs last week for a variety of reasons, and I finally left him a few days ago. Today I’m picking up the keys to my new rental, which is right in the heart of a large city in my state. And I’m SO happy that I’m going to be back in an urban environment! 5-minute walk to train station that serves as an access hub for the whole eastern seaboard, and 7-minute walk to metro station. Coffee shops, restaurants, and businesses all up down the streets in my neighborhood. I’m really looking forward to it.

    OP, I wish you luck. Even if he isn’t a totally bad guy, lifestyle differences are a valid reason to go your own ways. Trust me, trying to blend a European lifestyle with an American one can be very, very difficult. Our lifestyles compared to most Americans’ way of life is very different, and finding a happy medium can be very challenging, simply because the differences between Europe and the US are so very different.

32. You ARE really young to already be married and living in the suburbs. Why would you get married so young??

    Even though you and your husband are only 5 years apart, you could be at different places in life. I would try to look beyond your current circumstances and think about what you most want out of YOUR own life. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Is it being a SAHM with babies? In a career? In my opinion, you are headed for SAHM, if that isn’t what you want.. I’d reevaluate your whole situation.

    You may be really in shock from the move. There are very few places that are like NYC, but NYC to suburbs is a huge change. A while ago, I made the move from city to suburbs, I am much older and already had kids. It was still a tough change, and it took a while for me to adjust.

    I would just try to focus on what you want out of your own life. You are still really young, don’t end up trapped at home in the suburbs if you don’t want to be there.

33. Firstly really ask yourself truthfully have you made the efforts to try and enjoy the suburbs. Have you tried making friends? Evaluate is there anything in the suburbs you do like? Is your unhappiness coming from job/career satisfaction rather than the suburbs?

    If you really have tried and it’s mostly the suburbs making you sad, assuming your partner is definitely not moving to New York, perhaps it’s best to end this relationship. You already sound like you rather be in New York and single but you’ll be happier there

34. My best advice:
    Learn to drive, im sorry but it’s just not practical to not be able to drive at all unless you live in the heart of a major city. And even then it’s super useful.

    Take it from someone who refused to drive till they were 30. It’s just not practical

35. This is your problem. Chances are NYC will not be the same. Life does not work in reverse. Learn to drive. Get out of your shell. See the good in people that are around you.

36. Check out bumble bff app to make friends. I moved from a large suburb to a small rural-ish town to be with my husband. (we live 10 miles outside of ‘town’, halfway between two towns, each with a population of 2k-3k people). I’ve been here 10 years, and I don’t necessarily hate it, but sometimes I wish he’d be willing to move closer to a bigger city, especially in the winter when there’s nothing to do. I also work from home so I don’t have a ton of opportunity to socialize. Meeting friends on the app and getting together every few weeks, even if it’s just to walk the dogs together, has helped me a lot. Having local friendships outside of marriage can have a positive impact on several factors and could be the push you need to feel more comfortable and content living in a new place.

37. As someone who lives in Philly I’m not sure why you’re saying NYC is so out of reach and inaccessible. There are truly so many regional rails and buses and ways to get there and you have Philly right there, another city. I don’t understand why you didn’t do any of this research beforehand. It sounds like you don’t/ didn’t want to even help yourself.

38. You’re 25 and have never learned to drive? To me the ability to travel is freedom.

39. If you both can’t compromise and be satisfied it won’t work in the long run. My advice is don’t have kids yet.

40. Just because people live in the suburbs doesn’t mean the go to bed at 7pm and don’t have a full and busy life. I think you should start getting involved in your community in things that interest you. Find hobbies and activities that you and your husband can enjoy together. Make new friends. I think getting your driver’s license and a car might do wonders for you. Maybe you guys can move closer to a metropolitan city in PA where there is more public transportation.

41. One thing I haven’t heard a lot of people mention, is that 25 is about that age where this stuff happens, regardless of whether or not you live in the suburbs.

    Your friends start focusing on their careers, they get married, they have families. They make new friends with people who have similar aged kids. They stop going out at night. Your friend circle reduces from 30 people you see every day to 4-5 people that you see once a month. It is an unfortunate part of life.

    It’s also about the time people want to start moving out of the city. The appeal of having close access to entertainment lessens and the appeal for having more space to raise a family widens.

    It’s a loneliness that everybody goes through. Life is changing, and because of your move, for you it’s changed a lot faster than you were ready for it.

    But you really need to think to yourself, what is it about the city that you miss. Is it your friends and the sense of belonging? Would moving to a city like Philadelphia change that, or are you just going to be lonely in a new city. If you move back to NYC, are your friends even still going to be there in 5 years? Are they even going to be your friends in 5 years? What’s your plans with your husband, are you looking to have kids? It’s fine if you’re not, but if you are, what environment do you want to raise them in? Can you afford a place in the city with enough space for three or four of you? If you’re busy raising kids are you going to prefer the benefits of the city or the suburb.

    Is it the suburbs you truly hate or is it the stage in your life you hate where you’re moving on from a more social and carefree “childhood” (for lack of a better term) that you’re not quite ready to give up in exchange for a more isolated and family driven adulthood? I’m not saying it is or isn’t only you can decide that, but it’s just an additional perspective that I haven’t seen mentioned and think needs to be considered before you make any rash decisions.

    Regardless of which, you should communicate your feelings to your husband. That’s what marriage is about. Also, you should learn to drive asap. A car= freedom in the suburbs. If you can’t drive whenever and wherever you want to then you’re 100% going to feel like you’re in prison.

    I hope things get better for you.

42. I think before moving back to NY, you need to give yourself time to try to fix the things you dont like about your situation.

    You dont drive anywhere and havent had time to learn- you should set time aside to learn to drive, this is honestly a good life skill to learn.

    You dont like it when people go to bed at 7 pm, is there any places you can visit that ar eopen later? if so, try those out.

    You dont have friends, making friends as an adult is hard, but it is also a life skill, i would suggest looking for classes or just visiting places that interest you, it is very likely you will fins other people who are alone and are friendly and approachable

    ​

    you dont cant stand the thought of having kids and being a mom, you dont have to be. Dont let your location stop you from trying to persue the life you want.

    ​

    after you have given it a good honest try, then you can make your decision, but honestly these things will take time to accomplish so I think giving yourself 2-3 years, and visit NY once in a while will be a way to set yourself up.

43. Don’t people usually talk about this stuff with their partner before getting married?…

44. I see a set of core problems, which are each solvable:

    * Toxic job
    * No friends
    * Loss of ambition and depression
    * Anything else?

    You have these clumped and, in your mind, related to the suburbs in PA and not individual problems to solve. Currently, you have one solution – move back to NYC – but it means losing someone you love. I think you want an easy roadmap and/or justification for divorcing and moving back.

    If you want justification, you have your answer. Go back to what you love. As long as you can push aside any regrets, this is an easy way to solve the problems.

    If you want to stay and figure out how to make it work, make a list of each item that adds to your misery and start seeking ways to solve them.

    As for depression and lack of motivation, in general, consider finding a counselor to work through things. Or, if you want another cheaper option, start exercising regularly. This can be walking, running, the gym, etc. Why? It is a core foundation for almost everything, including mental outlook on life.

45. “Too busy to get your license?” How the hell is that even possible?? What a load of nonsense. Just do it.