I 21F have been engaged to my fiancé 21M for a few months, together for 5 years. I have always had a regular sense of style and I like to get dressed up for events. Like for every date night, I have taken a long time to get ready and planned a cute outfit, usually a nice dress. My fiancé has always worn workout pants and sweatshirts everywhere. The first few years we were together it never really bothered me, because we were teenagers and it wasn’t a big deal. But these past few years we have been invited to many events where it really wasn’t appropriate for him to wear loungewear but he did. Birthday parties, dinners at nice restaurants, we even went to a wedding once where once we were done taking pictures at the reception, he went and changed into those damn sweatpants. He owns jeans too; he has to wear them to work but he takes them off as soon as he’s off the clock lol. It’s not that he doesn’t own nice clothes either like suits and button downs. He does. I have bought him many over the years. He wears them when it’s really important, but only because I tell him what to wear, not because he reads the room on his own and picks out an appropriate outfit. I thought maybe he didn’t like the clothes I bought him, so I’ve tried going shopping with him and letting him pick out his own clothes, but anything besides the loungewear just ends up hanging in the closet getting worn maybe a few times a year. I want to clarify that I don’t care if he wears loungewear most of the time; I know it’s comfortable for him. But I feel like he puts in zero effort to look nice for me whereas I spend hours getting ready before we go out. And I feel like we look stupid in photos where we’re out and I’m all dressed up, and he’s basically in pajamas. I have chosen my battles over the years because he is stubborn and I don’t want to be controlling, but it’s really starting to bother me and I don’t know how to address it in a healthy way where the problem actually gets solved. Or idk, is there a problem? Am I crazy to be annoyed by this? Should I just get over it and let him wear what he wants? I should probably add that I think he finds anything besides these specific clothing items uncomfortable because he has ADHD and SPD. I’m neurotypical so I can’t understand these issues on a personal level. I try to be understanding but I’m just starting to get frustrated.
TLDR: Fiancé wears loungewear everywhere because he finds any other clothes uncomfortable, but I think it’s inappropriate and unprofessional at many events and it’s starting to annoy me. I don’t know how to address it.
30 comments
Well you’re crazy for thinking he’s going to change at this point. Also confusing if you’ve actually called him out or been clear this is a problem for you big enough to rethink things?
Pick your battles. Do not fight him for every event, just the ones that are really important to you. Also, try to come to an agreement to take the pictures first, then he can change into something else.
Shop for some dressier loungewear. It’s out there. Your man likes comfort.
I was reading this thinking he has sensory issues… read to the end… yes. It’s cruel to expect people to go through sensory hell for your aesthetic. He even does dress nicely for things like weddings. Imagine listening to chalk on a blackboard on repeat or getting lemon juice in your eyes. This is how it can feel to have sensory discomforts. Would you pour lemon juice in your eyes if it made you look better for other people?
I think being subtle when broaching this topic with him isn’t helping, to him maybe it just sounds like you’re pointing out social norms which aren’t a priority over his comfort. You need to be more specific, but frame it in a positive light. Tell him how handsome he looks when he dresses up, that you love showing him off. How important attractive photos are to you. He’ll probably never “read the room” and intuitively dress up, but you can offer your help like you have before and he may grow to appreciate the positive attention. Also, look for more comfortable compromises. The right fabrics can make all the difference, try soft polo tees and slacks with some stretch for example.
I loathe how many men look like slobs next to their beautiful, dressed up girlfriends because they can’t be bothered to throw on a button down shirt. You should not have to beg your partner to look presentable at social events. Comfort isn’t an excuse- if he wanted to, he could find nicer items he’s comfortable in. Sounds like he just doesn’t care, and it makes me wonder how little effort he puts into other aspects of the relationship. I’d hold off on marrying him and hope he grows up some. Otherwise you might end up picking out clothes for him and fighting him into them like he’s a toddler his whole life.
Don’t marry a man just because you’ve been with him five years and have never experienced life without him.
You’re his partner, not his mom. You shouldn’t have to dress him for him to wear appropriate clothing for outings.
Sister, if you don’t want to be with a Neanderthal, don’t date one.
You have to decide whether this is a dealbreaker or not.
Can you shop for some comfy but smarter options? Hey do exist! I too am a comfort dresser but manage to dress smart for events. I think there are plenty of smarter comfy trousers out there that could work for him.
Well people can wear what they want, comfort is more important than the superficial etiquette.
If he does dress well for very important event, maybe you should work on yourself and your fear of others people opinions ?
Have you tried lined pants? Some jeans/slacks are lined with other material like fleece or flannel for comfort, warmth, or both. He gets the feel of sweats, you get the look of presentability.
A simple search on Amazon for men’s lined pants will give you a ton of options and styles to choose from. You can also find them in outdoors shops like Cabela’s.
I grew up very poor and I feel uncomfortable in “real” clothes because I’m terrified of ruining them. Just throwing that out there!
You are not crazy, but he is not crazy either.
It’s a matter of priorities and compatibility. He does like wearing jeans. Or elegant shirts. Or pullover. He put the effort when is required (work, formal events), but he doesn’t want to dress nice otherwise. And I don’t find it crazy. I’m in Academia so I’m probably use to quirky people, but I know plenty of really successful people that wear clothes I would not dare to wear outside my house. It’s just what they like and who they are.
So the question is: how important is for you? Is it a dealbreaker? Is he open to a compromise?
ADHDer here. Routines/habit changes takes become hard when the issue seems unimportant to them. What you are asking is not what it means to us. Always hard to explain They want to change, but too much can cause issues.
TRY THIS: Do not talk down or demand. Ask them directly to do that as a request for you. Tell him this is important to you, because awareness of self is vital to your comfort. Do not ask anything else, just that. When they bring it up in two days from now, put new clothes in visible site for three months and put away the comfort clothes.
Format: 1.) Speak normally. 2.) Never demand (it Is seen as trying to break down and kicks in a stupid fight/fight response) 3.) Request it 4.) Explain what it means to you or clear point of why (we log that in the chain) 5.) Place objects or reminders in plain view of daily routines
FYI, adhd is a lack of dopamine through an entire lifetime. They develop an episiodic memory (chain memory of events). This memory format is great for retention when that “chain” is triggered, but without that trigger we forget everything (object, person, etc). Object permanence is a thing.
Routines become our savior and the expectation changing harmless routines becomes almost a defensive reaction, because of a lifetime of not understanding from a lot of directions.
Random things: your fiance has clothes unfolded, projects cluttered together in one place, gets upset when you remove things from a room associated with that item placement, gets upset when you demand he do somthing your way and becomes long term stubborn (this is that chain memory trigger), can remember excruciatingly detailed things and forget vital needs (eat/drink/urgently go to the bathroom), massively focuses on one topic, random acts of kindness out of appears no reqson(somthing triggered the memory), data dumps a bunch tone of information, passionate in their current hobby, hyper focus in on thing frequently (daily) where the world ceases to exist for a time.
You can: 1) accept it for what it is, 2) not accept it and grow resentful, 3) break up cause girly he ain’t changing. How much does this bother you? It’s allowed to bother you. That would bother me too. You just need to decide how serious it is for you. Ain’t nothing better than a well dressed man IMO.
You can’t change him. Is it a dealbreaker? If it is, it is. In my humble opinion, it shouldn’t be. There are so many far worse things he could do. Ask yourself why you care so much. You aren’t the one who has to wear sweatpants to nice places.
I dont understand the comments you’ve got. I dont think you should leave him or have unrealistic expectations. I also dont think that there is no possibility of change here or that it is cruel to expect someone with sensory issues to wear something uncomfortable for once. (I have sensory issues as well). He is able to wear uncomfortable clothes for work so why cant he wear uncomfortable clothes for you lets say once every month or two for a date in order for you to feel loved? I feel uncomfortable during social events but lets say my partner tells me that he is always the only one of his colleagues who attends his work events without a partner and would feel loved if I come with him every once in a while, I wouldn’t hesitate. You said you‘ve only made subtle comments over the years. Why dont you talk to him? „Hey I take a lot of time and effort in my appearance so that I look extra nice for you when we go out, I love you and you look great in sweatpants but I would really feel loved if you would wear something nice for me on a date sometimes.“ Contrary to women, society doesnt put as much pressure on men to please others visually. Because of this men often take the effort women have to put into their appearance for granted. So he might not understand why its flattering or even a compliment if someone puts effort in their appearance for another person. Im sure he will also enjoy seeing the effect he will have on you if he looks extra nice on a date. So just talk to him! 🙂
This has got to be one of the worst comment sections I’ve seen on this hellsite.
You’re not expecting too much, and there’s not no chance of him maturing a bit, y’all are only 21. There’s a ton of room for personal growth. People on here acting like y’all are 35 smh.
Be direct with him, tell him it’s important to you and you love it when you guys can go out looking great together. What are his parents like? I feel like he may just lack experience with some of these norms. And a big give me a break to folks who think they’re above society’s expectations. Think that all you want but it will reflect poorly. Joggers to a wedding or a funeral or a nice dinner is disrespectful.
It’s just clothes… why does it need to be that deep? My husband and I are in our 30’s. He is very fashionable and I prefer comfort. I love watching him get dressed up and the most dressed up I ever get is a polo that he bought me. If it bothers you at this point just leave but it seriously doesn’t need to be that deep… it is just stuff you are putting on your body
Sorry OP, that ship has sailed a long time ago.
Nah. He should learn to dress better. However, he’s only 21. I learned to dress well in my mid 20s.
What he doesn’t understand is the importance of dressing well doesn’t simply mean wearing flashy and expensive things, it is about how you present yourself.
He dresses in sweatpants because it’s low effort and he doesn’t care about how he presents himself. This is a realization that comes with age, maturity, and experience.
Does he care about his appearance at all? Like does he work out, clean his teeth, do his hair?
You also start dressing up like him for a change and see how he reacts to it. Like put in 0 efforts!
He’s not going to change. I would not go forward, but that’s just me.
It’s choice what to wear
I have the reverse problem. At home I don’t care what I wear, however I can’t leave the house without proper clothing.
The change is going to have to come from him. He has to want to level up his style.
Just let him be! Wear what you like, spend as much time as you like looking good. I don’t see the problem in wearing clean and comfortable clothes. You know there are probably much more interesting and important things in life to focus on.
What else do you have to tell him to do to function like an adult?
You aren’t compatible.
I’m someone with sensory issues (I suspect autism, but am waiting for my assessment appointment). I’m seeing a lot of: he can dress properly for work, so why can’t he do it for you? I have to wear an uncomfortable uniform to work. It wears on me all day, everyday. For many neurodivergent people, the things that bother us add up cumulatively. For me, these can be things like social interaction, sounds, lights, clothing and food textures, regular work stress, things deviating from plans / routines, etc. The more things that bother me that happen over the course of the day, the more energetically drained I feel. When I’m forced to put on a happy face through this, e.g., at work, it starts to push into frustration and rage. If things build up too much, I end up having a meltdown or a shutdown that is hard for me and everyone around me. You can’t understand what it feels like to people with sensory issues, but imagine going through the whole day with little rocks in your shoes. Or trying to give an important presentation while someone is slightly tickling you, but you’re not allowed to show that the tickling is bothering you because that would be socially unacceptable, so you just have to grin and bear it, but then when you get home, your partner invites you to a tickle party where everyone gets to sit around being tickled, but again you’re not allowed to show that this bothers you (and in fact no one else seems to be bothered by it at all). It’s all so enraging and draining. I change into loungewear the second I get home as I try to regulate after all the stresses of the work day. I’m a woman and all my life I’ve been dressing up in uncomfortable clothing for social and other occasions, all the while also struggling with feeling very stressed and anxious in these situation and not understanding why. As I’ve learned more about autism, I’ve been experimenting with “unmasking” and giving myself the things I need to not feel so frustrated and irritated so often, so I can spend more time and energy on enjoy things like social events. Having a policy of only wearing comfortable clothing has helped me a lot and I’ve found that most people don’t care what other people are wearing.
Please consider which is more important: the aesthetics of your social media presence or your partner’s ability to feel comfortable and at ease? It sounds like you feel a lot of shame around other people judging you based on your partner’s clothing. It sounds like you only want to be seen by other people with your partner if he’s looking …expensive? Professional? It’s like presenting to other people as rich, perfect, beautiful, etc. is more important to you than allowing your partner to be who he is in comfort and practicality.
Maybe the way you think is entirely normal and inline with the expectations of modern society. If that’s the case, maybe a person with sensory issues is not a good match for you.