What’s something you shouldn’t say while your wife is giving birth?

47 comments

1. From experience, basically anything.

2. The kid is not my son

3. I gotta go get some milk

4. “Please stop screaming, you’re embarrassing me.”

5. “I call dibs on naming him”

6. It’s starting to look like your mother’s.

7. Can you hurry up?

8. (in reference to the pain) “Give me a break. It’s not that bad.”

9. “I’m just gonna run grab a sandwich.”

10. “Calm down. You’re exaggerating.”

11. hurry up it’s college game day

12. Please keep it down, I’m watching the game

13. “Try not to stretch it too much!”

14. Told you I could get my fist in there…

15. So you think you’ll be as tight as you were after all this?

16. go on pop that cork honey, gotta get to work by 8

17. “Are you certain this kid is mine?”

18. “How long do you think you’re gonna be? The game starts in 20 minutes.”

19. I think my water has broke, too

20. “Calm down.”

21. When’s the last time you shaved?

22. I had a friend go and eat something after an hour asleep on one of those hospital chairs, and it didn’t sit well with him. While she was in labor he said “Babe my stomach hurts”.

23. If you don’t know the gender yet:

    “Can you hurry up? The football game starts in 10 minutes! I can’t wait to watch it with my new son!”

24. I yelled out “jesus christ!” during my last kid’s birth. She did not like that apparently. But to be fair I had a good reason, considering I could see my son’s head was fully out before we were even at the stage for pushing. Doctor wasn’t even there yet.

25. I jokingly said to my wife’s midwife during labor

    “I get how she feels, I stubbed my toe once”

    She looked like she was gonna stab me.

    Luckily my wife laughed and then called me a twat.

26. “When will dinner be ready?”

27. Only pussies get epidurals

28. Hey doc, how ‘bout that extra stitch?

29. “This chair is super uncomfortable”.

30. lolll cant believe you just shit yourself

31. “This is taking forever”

32. “Ouch fuck I just bit my tongue. It feels like the worst pain everrrr!”

33. Man, scrubs make that nurses butt look fantastic

34. “come on it can’t be THAT bad”

35. Do you want jack in the box

36. My ex did it better than you.

37. It’s probably not a good time to tell her you’ve been fucking her sister.

38. “Got no use for THAT thing anymore”.

39. Can we speed this up, I’ve gotta tee off in an hour.

40. Pain is weakness leaving the body

41. “So, how soon do you think you’ll be back in the gym?”

42. “Keep pushing. GIVE BIRTH!”

    -Delirious

43. THAT’S MY PURSE!!!!!!!! I DONT KNOW YOU!!!!!!!!!

44. Are you sure that’s mine?

45. “Can I have a go next?”

46. “Eww! That is fucking gross.”

    For context, my first wife was on her hands and knees and pushing at the midwife’s direction when she literally shat the bed. Almost 25 years later and I still can’t unsee that shit, pun intended.

47. When I was in very active labor in the hospital, my husband looked at the monitor and informed me that I was having a contraction. Oh, thanks for letting me know! My actual response was, “Yeah? NO SHIT!”