I hope this doesn’t come off as rude or insensitive. To give some background, we both started a graduate program this September and the cohort is around 10 people. We happened to meet each other before classes began, so we knew each other before beginning classes. Initially, she would text me multiple times a day which was okay. She sits beside me in EVERY class. She takes the train, so we always commute home together. Today, we had a 30 minute break between our classes, I let her know that I wanted to do some readings, and she said she wanted to get some food but didn’t know the way as she is new to the university. So I said it would be okay and I would just go with her. By the time I got back, there were 5 minutes left of the break. I didn’t know how to say no. I’m kicking myself now about this because I should have respected my own boundaries. I feel like she is glued to my hip. We are adults, I don’t know why she is so clingy. I like my space. I like to be independent. I like to walk home alone. I like to relax and destress on my commute back home, but she is constantly asking me questions about school. These are my last few years of education and I want to make the most of them. I want to branch out and make new friends. Is it wrong for me to feel this way? How do I not sit beside her in class? How do I politely say “no”? How do I avoid her without being rude?

Tl;dr: How do I kindly say no to someone?

13 comments

  1. It isn’t wrong and it’s easy to just say no she could possibly like you I get that you want a really good education cut yourself some slack and it’s okay to be open with people she could be a new friend you never know have fun and try to be more friendly I get the school part it’s important but try have fun a little get to know her at least she can’t be all that bad plus she probably finds you attractive I get you want space but you said you want to make friends so which one is it kid ?

  3. I’ve been in a few situations with people like this before. I’ll tell you how I messed up first: bottling it up for a long time and then either blowing up or suddenly ignoring them. Both are inconsiderate and avoidable, so it’s good you’re asking questions before it got to that point!

    I find the best way is to be calm and use tact, just like you would if you were to tell someone you’re not interested in them romantically. I would find a time to talk and explain to them why “it’s me, not you.” That will typically put people at ease. Although it’s not being wholly truthful, as honestly she is just clingy… it’s not your job to explain that to her. So, I would express something like… although you appreciate her interest in you, you prefer to be alone and independent (as you described). So, you would prefer if she gave you some space.

    Depending on her response, you can emphasize once again that it really is about you needing space. If she doesn’t stop after that, I would be concerned and take on a more direct approach – “As I said before, I really do need to be independent and I like my alone time… so, I don’t wish to talk. Please understand that.”

    She just sounds lonely so it probably won’t get to this point but if she doesn’t stop after that I would take it up with the university. I’m sure the situation with her will be simple enough to fix, though.

  5. Honestly, just say no. When she asks for your help, ask yourself “if I help/be with them, will I have time for myself later?”. I don’t mean that you shouldn’t help them, but you need to let them know that you need time for yourself, and they should respect that. Or just simply avoid her, it’s called the art of “don’t give a f”. And it’s okay to feel annoyed ab someone.

  6. Maybe she likes you enough to only wanting to be around you.
    Since you’re bottling it up, she may think you feel the same way.

    The advice of making your needs and feelings as clear as the sun to people is a nice advice. She can’t respect your boundaries if she doesn’t know they exist, or where they are.

    If she is a reasonable person, she might think you’re either not interested in her or want some time alone. If she is not, or if she is insecure, she might get offended because you don’t want to be around her.

    Either way, by saying no, you’re winning. You’re either growing some respect by establishing your boundaries to this person that will understand it, or you’ll scare away some insecure person that’s not worth being around that much.

  9. The explanation for why is easy: being without a safe group makes us feel ill at ease and then some. And getting to know new people requires us to put ourselves out there which is a lot harder for some than others. So since you got to know each other in the cohort prior to school start, you’re a safe anchor in all the newness. It’s not her, or you, it’s just how humans roll.

    Now, as others have pointed out, “just say no”. Which isn’t always “just”, or else you would have done it already. So the first thing you have go internalise is that 1: you’re not doing anything wrong, so you don’t have to feel guilty, and 2: feeling guilty won’t kill you, and it will get easier over time.

    Stock up on phrases like “I’m going to put my headphones on, it’s been a long day.” and “I’m sure you’ll figure it out. See you later!”. She wants to study together? You already have a study group or you prefer to read alone since it’s less distracting. She wants to hang out? Sorry, you’ve got plans. If she’s settled before you arrive you can wave and sit elsewhere.

    And if, after a while, she doesn’t relent, then perhaps it’s time to say out loud that you don’t feel like you vibe and you don’t want to be friends.

  10. It’s likely that whatever you say will offend her or make her sad. To her, you’re her best friend at school. To you, she’s just a person who’s always in your space.

    That’s a difficult situation. Just remember neither of you is the bad guy here. You just have different needs.

    Headphones can be useful for when you don’t want to talk, especially if you say you’re listening to something that’s relevant to your schoolwork.

    If you don’t want to have meals with her, that’s ok, but you need to clearly state what you need.

    If she’s tailing you and you need some space, you’ll have to say so. Something like “Hey, I’m not feeling very social today and I need some space. I hope that’s ok.” If she’s sensitive, you can add “I’m not upset with you. I’m just feeling like I need some time alone”.

    You can arrive to class after her and choose a different seat. Be aware that this may hurt her feelings. That’s a tough one for sure. But it’s an option.

    Best case scenario, she’ll understand that you’re pulling away from her and not try to pursue the friendship further. There’s also the possibility that she’ll believe you’re mad at her or something. Be open and clear about what your needs are.

  12. “I really appreciate our friendship, but I feel like I’ve been experiencing some difficulties I’d like to express. I have been feeling concerned about the direction of some of our dynamics and I want to address them before they start to negatively impact our relationship. Sometimes I feel pressured to say yes to things with you when I really should be saying no. I like my space. I like to be independent. I like to walk home alone. I like to relax and destress on my commute back home. I like talking to you and spending time with you, but I would like to be better about balancing the energy I give to you with the energy I save for myself.

    Can you assure me that it’s okay to say no to you when I need to and that you won’t feel like I’m being rude? Maybe in the future, when you ask for my time or energy, also affirm to me that it’s okay if I don’t? Saying something like “it’s totally okay if the answer is no” when you ask for something with me. I know I need to be better about feeling comfortable just saying no when I need to, but I think it would make me feel more relaxed around you if you did this. I really appreciate you for listening to me. It’s been difficult for me to figure out how to express my feelings about this because I don’t want you to feel bad about it.”

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