Is there ever a right time?

7 comments

1. I don’t think there’s a specific age, but rather time with the person. I got married at 22 but was with my husband for 8 years at the time.

   I personally think 2 years is way too soon.

2. I’m a big fan of the idea that you talk about wanting to get married, and are in agreement; if one or the other wants some sort of special proposal, you can talk about that and how it should work. In other words, that you want to marry isn’t a surprise, but how one asks the question could be.

   In some respects, marriage isn’t that different from any committed, long-term relationship. It is just that there is a legal component to it. Divorce doesn’t have to be a likely outcome, as long as you are willing to work on the relationship together.

   Happy marriages don’t come about because you are special people who lack problems. Instead, happy marriages occur because the people involved are willing to work together to resolve the problems that inevitably appear in life.

   I recommend reading the book *The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work*, by John Gottman and Nan Silver, to get an idea of what can help a marriage succeed. Read it with your partner.

3. The amount you will both change as people from 23 and 24 to 33 and 34 is truly mind boggling. It’s impossible to foresee the ways in which you will both change and if those ways will be compatible or not.

   A lot of people that marry at your age have successful marriages, and some people wait to get married and then get divorced anyway.

   I personally suggest you wait a couple more years and make sure you have the same vision for your lives together and you work as a team and genuinely have fun together and feel like you can both be yourselves around each other and feel comfortable being candid with your thoughts and feelings.

   Some things I think are important to go over thoroughly bed you get married: do you have compatible sex drives and have both shared your kinks with each other and feel comfortable with each other’s kinks. Are you both willing to be open to trying different things sexually in the future if either one of you get more adventurous in the future. What specifically does cheating look like to both of you and do you both agree on that? Do either of you think there is a chance you’d ever want to have an open relationship and if so, what would that look like? Do either of you want children? What are both of your views on parenting if so? If you do want kids you both need to prioritize your relationship and make sure you’re willing to commit to helping your wife feel safe and loved and sexually attractive during and after her pregnancy. What are both of your goals outside of children? Are these goals compatible? Where do you want to live and do you want to travel? What are both of your view on finances? Is one of you more frugal than the other? Will you combine your money or not? These are the big things, but making sure you have a good foundation of communication and are good at solving problems together and feel heard and understood by each other is a major deal.

   These things also have to be readdressed periodically throughout the years to make sure you’re still on the same page.

   Anyway, if you don’t feel ready don’t do it! You have plenty of time. Divorce is technically always an option, but I think having that in your mind as an option diminishes the meaning of making a lifelong commitment to another person. That’s just my opinion, though. I think you should wait until you know you want to keep that commitment through the highs and lows and inevitable monotony of a lifelong relationship.

   Good luck!

4. The right time is when you are ready to spend your life with the person you love.

   I have been married for 14 years, and there WILL be hard times. There will be fights. There will be times when they make you so pissed off that you can’t see straight.

   There will be times when neither of you has the real energy for the relationship. There will be times things less intense. There will be times when things are seemingly boring or routine.

   However, there will also be absolutely fing amazing times. Those times will stay with you forever. A marriage can be very happy even when it is quiet and normal.

   Talk and listen. LISTEN MORE THAN YOU TALK. Be willing to change. Be willing to be sorry. Don’t stay angry at them if they are sorry.

   Obviously, there are boundaries but yes. Also, remeber that the people who are mostly happy are proably not spending a ton of time on reddit.

5. What’s the rush? Is one of you in a hurry? I would personally wait at least another 3 or 4 years, a lot of maturing happens between now and then. You don’t feel ready, and there is nothing wrong with that. I got married at 27, and looking back, I honestly think that was too young even though at the time I thought I was grown up. If I had waited until 30, I might not have gotten married or a divorce. So, definitely slow down, if this is meant to be then it will still be meant to be no matter how long you wait.

   I think you should definitely be on your feet and able to support yourself and contribute significantly to the bills before you get married. It is great that this hasn’t been a problem, but I think it will be eventually if you can’t at least support yourself.

   In order to make sure you are ready and on the same page, you need to talk about things like:

   * Finances: Joint or separate? How will bills be paid, like will you split them or will it be proportional to salaries? What about spending, will you have a budget? What purchases require agreement, what is the threshold? How much do you want to save? All of this is stuff you can work on now, except for combining the accounts.
   * Children: Do you both want them? How soon? How long is too long to wait? How many do you want? What if you can’t conceive, is adoption or surrogacy on the table, why or why not? What kind of parents do you think you want to be? Is anyone staying home or are you both working? Does anyone want to stay home? Are you both in agreement about daycare if you both want to work? What about childcare when you are not working? Are you going to divide it equally, or is one person going to be the primary?
   * Religion: If you have one, is it shared? If not, then how will you work this out if children come – what religion will they be (and don’t say they can choose, because babies can’t choose anything, unless you plan on having multiple religions at once (or none) and let them choose later)? Are there any issues that could cause a problem if different religions? Like rules about where you can get married or how?
   * Conflicts/Talking: How will you handle them? What is acceptable and not acceptable to you? Are you both open to marriage counseling? Why or why not? What are your rules for fighting? What do you expect from your partner if they are angry? Is taking a time out OK, or an issue? Can you go to sleep angry, or no? If not, what happens if you can’t resolve your issues, will you stay up all night until you do, or are you good with just resolving this later? Is one of you the initiator of all discussions about the relationship? Is that a problem or not?
   * Marriage, Intimacy & Sex: Are you sexually compatible? Do you talk openly about sex and your needs? If not compatible, then how will you manage the differences? How often do each of you want sex ideally? Is there a gap? What do you expect to do about it? What about affection? Do you need a lot of it, what about your partner? What do they need to feel loved? What do you need? Is it the same or different? If different, can each of you give the other what they need or is that a struggle? Are you both comfortable with masturbation (i.e. the other one doing it alone, some people do consider this a problem)? How do you think a marriage stays strong? What do you think you need to do, and what do you need your partner to do?
   * Friends: Friends of the opposite sex, yes or no? If yes, are there rules like no ex’s? If no, is that a problem for either of you? What happens if one of you isn’t comfortable with a specific friendship or person? How will you handle that? Do you expect the other to give up their friend?
   * Privacy: Is it a right or no? Can you look at each other’s phones? Will you have the passwords? Location sharing? What level of privacy do you expect after you get married? Does this match up?
   * Family: How will you handle it if your family decides they don’t approve of your union now or anytime in the future? What about if family tries to meddle? How does each of you think that should be handled? How often do you expect your spouse to visit with your family? How often do YOU plan to visit? Do you each agree to the expectations you have of each other?
   * Porn/Sexual Content: If either of you use porn, is that acceptable to her/you? Are you open about it if either of you uses it? What happens if one of you suspects it is causing an issue? What about things like Only Fans? Strip clubs? Acceptable or no? You should VERY clearly define what your rules will be.
   * Chores: How will you distribute them? Do you desire to be equal partners, or will one of you take the lead on chores? Consider that when children come, this becomes a much bigger issue. So, you can also discuss childcare and how that offsets chores.
   * Living: Where do you want to live (city or country)? What kind of home are you envisioning some day having? What is your dream situation? Do they match up?
   * Leisure: Do you have hobbies together? Do you have separate hobbies? If so, is it important to you that your partner share your hobbies or not? How do you feel about going out with friends without your spouse or doing things separately? What scenarios seem OK to you, and what won’t be acceptable for each of you? How much stuff do you want to do together vs. how much time do you need to yourself? Does this match up? What about travel? Is it important to you, or to her? What will you do if there is a difference?
   * Lifestyle & Health: Do you have a healthy one? Do you have health goals? Are you a person who goes to doctors or no? Do you think you should maintain a certain standard of appearance for your spouse (e.g. weight, dress, etc.), or not? If so, what is the standard? What about mental health? Any issues there? How would you handle it if there was an issue down the road?
   * Dealbreakers: What are they for each of you, list them out, make sure you understand exactly what they are.

   Honestly, if you are on the same page with all of the above with only minor differences, you are doing better than most couples who don’t talk about this stuff nearly enough and then end up with very different expectations of the marriage. I think you can pretty much divorce-proof your marriage by really getting to know your partner and talking about the hard stuff. Yes, things can change, nothing is guaranteed, but generally people don’t change THAT much! Most of the divorces I have seen happened because of incompatibilities that existed all along, that were known or could have been known, and then turn into huge issues.

6. Why do you want to get married, make an objective list of the reasons. Is there anything on the list that you can’t do without getting married?

7. There’s no rush to get married.

   But when you do decide to propose I *strongly* recommend premarital counseling. There are so many tiny things that could cause your relationship to be strained that people just don’t think about discussing *before* getting married. You think you are both on the same page because you’re so “in sync” and it turns out you both had very different ideas on how something should go.

   I think it’s best to know these things before to work on it rather than being smacked in the face with it later.