The reason I am sketched out about it is because before this a year or so ago I seen her messaging a guy on instagram. And I asked her who it was she said a “old friend” I didn’t think about it but noticed they were messaging more and more. (She did some sketchy things in the past) I said screw it I messaged the guy and he told me that she randomly reached out to him after 5 years they never met and the only time they talked was on a dating app (right before we got together) that was a big fight.
Fast forward to now, I had a weird gut feeling and checked her phone and I noticed this guy she’s never mentioned before this was a few weeks ago this started, I asked her a couple times “Are you talking to guys even if they are whist friends?” She said “No” and I asked this several times.. so she lied. Now she messaged me yesterday while I was at work and told me “I wanted to tell you that an old friend from school messaged me, and sends me stupid videos through instagram. we’re not best friends like we used too since the first year of college. Just in case you see a notification or something. I’m not cheating on you.”
I was wondering if this is the same dude she was messaging and lied saying she wasn’t talking to any guy and it was. I don’t know why she randomly decided to tell me about him, if it was the guilt of lying or what. But when I checked last night they are messaging more and more. I didn’t question it because she will say she can’t have any guy friends. And I’m controlling etc.
But, I think the situation is weird? She has never mentioned this guy the 5 years we have been together, there aren’t any pics of them. Is this truly just a guy friend or someone she had something with? I know she wouldn’t tell me. I want to trust her. But she already lied.
I know I wouldn’t message a female friend from 5 years ago randomly especially if she is married. I made a post on the relationship page but thought I’d get better feedback on the marriage page.
10 comments
I would say its not wrong to have friends of the opposite sex buuut yeah no that sounds sketchy af and i wouldn’t be okay with it if my other half did any of that.
You are asking the wrong question. Sure she can have guy friends. Those aren’t random guy friends. Your wife is not loyal. She met a guy on tinder right before you and reached out last year? What could have been her end game for this? Friendship? Nope. I would have divorced my wife for that. This will be your life now.
How would she react if you started reaching out to old tinder dates for friendship? Would you ever as a husband do that for any valid reason? Wait until she tries to manipulate you by calling you insecure and controlling.
Def not wrong to have friends, regardless of gender. If she’s looking for attention or validation from guys, that’s different. The hiding it is not ok. I have many guy friends but my husband knows some of them and we have trust. Wr also have a great relationship. What is your life like with her? Are yall intimate, do yall compliment, appreciate, and have fun with each other? Has it gotten stale or boring? Not excuses for hiding but may answer what she’s seeking company for.
The question you should ask yourself is this:
Are you ok sharing your wife with other men? Because your wife is ok being with other men. You need to be sure you’re alright with her end of the relationship being open. If so, you’re good. Keep on looking the other way.
If not – contact an attorney. Either way, get STD tested and if you have kids, paternity tests.
My wife befriends a lot of people. Male and female. She introduces them all to me. Because she is loyal, and not looking for play dates or an escape. The same is true of me.
Your wife is lying to you. This is disloyalty.
It’s not for me to tell you how to live your life, but in your shoes I would make it very clear that she is either 100% loyal to me or she is out on the street. No exceptions, no tolerance. No time to decide. She already knows the answer.
A marriage should result in the union being stronger than the sum of its parts. It will never be that if one of you isn’t fully committed.
I was totally okay with my wife’s male “friends”. We were married. I trusted her unconditionally. Vanilla, church going, kids at home.
She had 4 emotional affairs’ and 1 physical affair in 3 years with these friends.
Trust your gut bro. I have a WAY different opinion of this topic now. They didn’t give a shit she was married or had kids. She was just candy.
Get some balls and confront her. Tell her you know what she is doing and if she continues, you will divorce her and kick her out on the streets where she belongs. Being in a relationship with you means honesty and no male friends.
If she start shouting you are controlling, tell her what you found and that she is lying through her teeth. And then tell her this is her last chance to come clean before the door will hit her behind.
OP, I don’t understand why you are still married to her. It seems like you have little in common, she doesn’t enjoy your company (and vice versa), and on top of it she lies to you, you don’t trust her (for good reason) and is seeking out other men to talk to for attention or whatever. The whole way your life works, sex when she wants it, whatever SHE wants all the time, double standards, etc. – it seems rather pathetic to me that you are worried about cheating when there doesn’t seem like there is much to lose.
I think you are focusing on the wrong thing (whether she is cheating or her male friends). I should focus less on that, and more on why you are staying in this marriage and whether it even makes sense to keep on trying. So far the reasons you give are: (1) It’s hard to break up because you have a home together (2) She might kill herself if you leave (3) You need proof that she is cheating.
#1 isn’t a very good reason to stay married. I understand divorce is a pain, but you are saying she isn’t someone you would have married knowing what you know now. Do you want to have children? If so, obviously you don’t want that with her, so where is this going? Even if you don’t want children, the longer you stay with her the more entangled your lives become, so you are just making it harder on yourself. There is an opportunity cost to staying in a dead marriage, OP. You already spent 5 years on her, do you really want to spend 5 more?
#2 is also a terrible reason to stay married. Her mental health is her responsibility, not yours. If she is suicidal or says she is, then you call the hotline and get her help, and you call her family or friends and tell them she has talked about harming herself and needs support right now. You can’t be her support system if you are divorcing her, she is going to have to figure it out. Most likely, the suicide threats aren’t even real, and she does this to manipulate you into staying, and it seems to be working. You still should treat it as real by getting her help and alerting people about it, but others need to handle it from there. Whatever happens, it is not your fault.
#3 – you don’t need proof of anything. Regardless of cheating or not, this marriage isn’t working for you and you already know she has lied. You don’t need any reason besides you don’t want to stay married because you don’t like the person she actually is or has become.
Personally, I think you are making all these excuses because YOU are the one who is afraid to be alone. You are afraid of the unknown, afraid of starting over, maybe afraid you won’t meet anyone else or maybe afraid you can’t find someone better. These are all reasonable fears, but I think you are letting them cloud your judgement. You are settling, when there is no reason to settle, there are no children here, you can walk away, split the assets and start a new life. You WANT to catch her doing something unforgivable so you will have a reason to end it, but you don’t need to do that, and that might never happen (she might not cheat, or you might not catch her). So, what are you afraid of?
Nice Guys Finish Last
Women disrespect nice guys.
Quit being the nice guy, be calm and assertive.